A Series of Cracktacular Events
by Hyper Kid
Summary: A series of drabbles involving mainly Loki, Thor and Freyr in the future of Midgard  aka here  Rated for innuendo and some possible Thor/Loki smut in the future. Starting with a trip to Ikea. Ever seen a thunder god in a furniture store?
1. 01 Ikea Is Not Easier For Gods

HK: … sorry everyone for the sheer amount of crack contained in this fic! XD Completely inspired by a picture on deviant Art called A9. Let Sleeping Gods Lie from the artist Slayers-Nerd, she gave me permission to write a fic around it. I swear I didn't know it was gonna end up this cracked. And yah… Loki's gonna be jumping around like a kid on crack a little here… I'd love to bring Freyr to make him do it (Slayers-Nerd has great pics of Freyr too btw), but I'm just not up to handling the weather. Oh shit yeah, and one other thing… sorry Slayers, I tend to portray Loki as a raging bisexual. Y'know, what with his habit of bearing other men's children and all. One more very important note! Minor cameos are already part of the story, and are available upon request for later plot points. However, since 54 000 words of this story are completed (it was my NaNoWriMo and I WON (ironically this only amounts to 5 or 6 chapters)), it could be a while before it's posted.

Disclaimer: … Does anyone own Norse mythology anymore? Well, the most important point here is, I don't. Technically, since I worship Loki (in a highly irreverent way but what the hell) you could say I belong to him. Weirdest disclaimer ever. I also don't own Ikea, or anything else you will see here.

WARNINGS! Thor being… well, Thor. Loki being a smexy little man skank. 3 Oh, and unnecessary havoc and devastations being wreaked on an innocent Ikea.

XXXXX

Far from what mortals had been lead to believe, Asgard wasn't all feasting halls with long wooden tables. Alright, that was literally all Valhalla was, but really, mortal heroes didn't need much else. As long as the beer goat didn't get sick, they were happy. The gods, on the other hand, had way too much money and power to deal with having wooden furniture everywhere. Way too uncomfortable, way too many splinters in bad places. Luckily for all involved, the norns didn't particularly enjoy wooden everything either, so they minorly abused the passage of time to obtain an Ikea catalogue. Once it had been thoroughly passed around, someone had to go on a quest to future-Midgard to obtain the desired furniture. Three guesses who ended up going on that quest.

XXXX

Thor and Loki looked around with interest at the large number of wheeled metal boxes standing in the parking lot of the Ikea. The building itself was almost as large as some of Asgard's smaller palaces, but neither god had ever seen a car before so they were currently more interested in that. After taking a seat on a bench and watching 17 separate cars come up, park, and unload families of mortals, Loki remembered that they had an actual purpose on this quest, rather than just roaming around. He got to his feet, stretching.

"Come Thor, we have to go and get the furniture for the others." Thor frowned, reluctant to get up as another car pulled into the lot.

"But we haven't yet learned the origins of this strange magic, Loki." Loki sighed, patting his rent-a-nephew on the shoulder. He had already realised that he wasn't going to be able to work these things out until he had a chance to thoroughly dissect one, and Odin had forbidden him from causing too much trouble on this trip. Normally that meant less than nothing to the trickster, but since it was Odin's magic that was to be taking them home…

"We'll come back and examine them later. Now we should go, this may take a while." The bulky thunder god huffed, but heaved himself to his feet anyway.

"I can hardly see how this will take long, Loki. If mortals can manage it, it must be easy for gods such as us!" Loki rolled his eyes, but fell into step beside Thor anyway. He tugged at the sleeve of his shirt, feeling oddly exposed in mortal clothing. In an effort to break as little of the universe as possible, the norns had insisted that Loki and Thor try to fit in on their shopping trip. Actually, they had tried to insist that Loki not go at all, and have Tyr or Freyr accompany Thor. Unfortunately, Tyr was required to help watch for Jotunn attack whilst Thor was gone, and Freyr was off enjoying some married bliss with his new bride Gerd. They were enjoying married bliss so loudly that the messengers sent to fetch the fertility god had gone unnoticed, and had returned to Odin's hall having heard more than they wished to.

But abandoning that intensely disturbing mental image to the trash where it belongs, the norns had given in with ill grace and dressed Thor and Loki in mortal clothes before they left. Both gods had received a pair of denim jeans (which were oddly comfortable, and Loki was planning to keep his when they got back), as well as a t-shirt and jacket. Thor's jacket was made of leather, with a plain red shirt underneath. Loki's jacket was plainer, and the shirt was black with the words "man whore" written in white on the front. Apparently the norns weren't too fond of him. He had no idea why, it wasn't like he had ever done anything to them… directly…

As Thor's hair was only shoulder length, he had been allowed to keep it loose, but again, the norns' had demanded that Loki tie his longer hair back into a ponytail. Loki had been sorely tempted to remind them that he could in fact shorten his hair at will anyway, change its colour or even transform completely into a woman if it made them happy, but Skuld had given him a very nasty look and suggested that he wear a skirt.

In all honesty, Loki counted several women among his favourite disguises, and as such wasn't too offended by the idea, but he didn't need to give the other As any more excuses to call him an argr, or unmanly one. The end result made him look most extremely gay, but since no one was actually going to mention that to him it was alright. Thor, being a head taller and considerably more buff, looked quite excellent in his leather and denim, and no one around him (least of all Loki) was missing the opportunity to check out his ass.

XXXX

The inside of the store was just as fascinating as the outside to the two Aesir, but it was the escalators that attracted the most attention. Again, the pair spent several minutes just watching the stairs rise and disappear before Loki realised that they were attracting quite a lot of attention. Wups. Weren't supposed to be doing that. Tugging Thor on, he stepped hesitantly onto the moving stairs. Thor looked at him like he was quite insane, but as Loki rose up the stairs and a family of what seemed like 20 small children crowded behind him, he stepped hesitantly onto the next stair. It continued rising, untroubled by his weight, and Thor clutched determinedly to the two bars rising with the stair. They creaked under his grasp, but Thor was currently more worried about falling off this strange device.

As it reached the top, he stumbled quickly forward, afraid of being sucked through the metal grill and forced under the stairs. Loki watched him with amusement, as though he too hadn't been worried about the exact same thing. The two gods stepped aside quickly as the swarm of children flew out and into the store, followed by two harassed looking parents. Loki and Thor remained atop the escalator a while longer, looking around at the odd sight before them. It looked almost as though several houses had been squeezed into one, with what looked like ordinary bedrooms, offices and kitchens all packed into a warehouse, with a clear path to allow the shoppers to move between them.

Loki and Thor exchanged looks. It wasn't like any other store either of them had ever seen. How were you supposed to buy anything? Fortunately, the wonderful people of Ikea had foreseen this little difficulty. A large sign by the escalators explained the whole process, even providing visitors with a large yellow bag, a piece of paper and a pencil to mark down anything they liked. The gods perused the sign for a while as well. Then Thor turned to Loki.

"Can you read any of this?" Because unfortunately, while both gods could speak any language that pleased them, neither had ever had occasion to learn any written language beyond the runic alphabets and Old Norse. Not wanting to appear ignorant and lose his title of consummate know-it-all, Loki glanced around at what everyone else was doing. Ah, there was a young woman with hair almost as red as his, reading another sign in what looked like the same language. Flexing his magic, Loki reached into her mind and pulled the knowledge directly from her brain. How nice, she had even been to the store before. He turned to give Thor a confident smile.

"Of course. Come on, we already know what everyone else wants. Let's have a look around and see what else we can find." Thor gave him a sceptical look, for once having noticed what Loki was doing. Still, since mind-stealing was a generally accurate way to gather information, he didn't say anything, instead just following Loki as he headed off into the store. The first section had a few rooms set up, apparently to give you some idea of how you could decorate your own home. It was quite interesting, but far more fun was the huge space beyond that which was filled with sofas, couches and end tables of varying descriptions.

Thor dutifully pulled out the long list of things the other gods had requested, but Loki's fingers were already twitching. It may have been the person he pulled the knowledge from, it may be because he was easily bored, but he wanted to sit on Every. Single. Sofa. Especially the ones high up on the walls. Impatiently he snatched the list from Thor's hand, stuffing it into his own pocket.

"Never mind that now, Thor, we'll get the stuff when we go downstairs. That's how it works," he explained hastily when the thunder god turned a vicious glare on him. Thor wasn't too sure whether or not he should believe Loki, but then again, none of the mortals were picking up the furniture to pay for. Thor decided that he may as well take Loki's advice on this, because that way even if they were wrong, he knew who to blame. And some of the couches were extremely comfy looking… Loki had seen the decision on his companion's face long before he reached it himself, and was already lounging on one of the larger sofas. He turned a grin on his nephew. "I may change my mind about what I wanted… this is a very nice piece of furniture."

Giving in to temptation, Thor went over to join Loki on the couch. It was a rather nice cream colour, and the cushions were extremely plush. It wasn't necessarily what Thor would want for his home, but he had to admit that it was indeed quite a nice piece of furniture. Loki, meanwhile, was looking at the little tag that displayed the price and make of the sofa. He debated writing it down, before realising that he hadn't grabbed himself a little pencil. No matter. He simply slipped the sheet of paper describing the sofa out of its plastic sheet and tucked it into his pocket.

Thor hadn't noticed the minor act of larceny, as he was already off exploring new and exciting sofas. A slightly smaller sofa upholstered in a shiny brown material had caught his eye, and as he sat he found it to be nicely firm under him. When you were out fighting giants all day, you didn't necessarily want furniture that would try and eat you. Following Loki's example, he found the small paper tag that described the sofa. He was rather pleased to see that it was one of the things Sif had decided she wanted already.

He made a mental note to do something nice for his wife when he got home. Perhaps slay a giant or two in her name. Or maybe even… take off his shoes as he entered the house. She had been going on at him about that for a while. Thor didn't know why, it wasn't as if she ever had to clean the house… he was reasonably certain that happened by magic.

He was distracted from his musing by Loki, who had as always found something more destructive that he could be doing. In this case, attempting to climb a wall to sit on a sofa up near the ceiling. Turning back to his nephew, he shot him an irritated frown. "Thor! Get over here and give me a hand up!"

With a reluctant sigh, Thor lifted himself from the couch and walked over, picking Loki up like a doll and letting him stand on his shoulder. If Loki was annoyed by this obvious difference in strength, he didn't show it. Instead he simply grabbed the edge of the sofa and pulled himself up. Thor gave him an exasperated look as he settled himself more comfortably onto the couch, ignoring the stares of the passing mortals.

"Why did you want to sit on that sofa so badly?" Loki shrugged, picking at the cushions. The sofa was a lurid pink in colour, with lumpy and uncomfortable pillows. Deciding that it had no redeeming features, he slid back down onto Thor's shoulder, jumping to the floor from there.

"No real reason." And without another word he moved on to the next sofa, leaving Thor to roll his eyes behind him.

XXXX

It soon became obvious to Thor that something wasn't quite right about his companion. While Loki usually enjoyed his role as the brains of the operation, he was also usually quite mature, except for the occasional joke. There seemed to be something about this building that destroyed that however, as while Thor was quite content to just wander through and look at everything, Loki was behaving in a manner similar to that of a small child. He had to touch everything. And sit on everything. Of course, the trickster was always good at wasting time, but he wasn't usually so easy to distract.

Thor was quite sure he saw him pocket another seven paper slips before they even reached the bedroom section. Now, if there was one thing Asgard was quite good with, it was beds. They were gods, after all. Their beds were large and comfortable, often with room for another seven people besides their usual occupants. Eight if they were really friendly people. Thor had expected them to get through this area rather quickly, as no one really wanted to lose their beds. But no. Apparently Loki wanted to try out all of the beds too. He went and laid down on the nearest one briefly, before getting up and glaring at it.

"That was horrible." Then he moved on to the next one, much as he had done with the sofas. Thor was conflicted for a moment… then he gave in. Sitting on all of the sofas and couches and those weird couch-bed-things had been fun in its own way. As had all of the chairs in the office section. The dining room chairs had been less interesting, but then they hadn't lingered long there. The point was, those beds did look comfortable. And across the room he could see a few mortals doing exactly the same thing, so it must be right.

Come to think of it, one of them did look rather like the red haired girl Loki had taken the information about this store from. She was certainly hoping from bed to bed with equal or greater enthusiasm than the trickster. So that was probably where Loki had gotten it from. Seeing as Loki had already finished one entire row of beds, Thor chose one at random and sat on it. The springs creaked worryingly, and he stood up again at once. Really, he didn't think much of these human beds. That had sounded almost worryingly flimsy.

Thor was quite sure he would find all of the other beds equally delicate, and wanted to move on again. But Loki was now in the very middle of the bed field, lying flat on his back and waving Thor over. Reluctantly the thunder god joined him, standing beside the bed rather than sitting on it. He somehow got the impression that breaking any of the beds would lead to their hasty expulsion from the store. Loki didn't seem to notice his dilemma, giving Thor a lazy smile. "This bed is insanely comfortable."

Thor frowned, looking away from his friend. All that was needed to complete the picture of debauchery Loki made would be for the trickster to lose his clothes. He was sprawled almost obscenely, taking up a good 80% of the king sized bed. He had given up on the pony tail and yanked it out at some point during his bed testing, so now his long red hair was spread out across the pillow. The lazy, blissed out smile really wasn't helping his case. Unfortunately in looking away, Thor spotted the loopy redhead whose brain had apparently drugged Loki lying on her own bed not too far away, talking to her friend.

"What do you reckon the staff would do if someone just started having sex on one of the beds?" The black haired girl beside her gave her an odd look.

"Kick you out?" The redhead snickered, sitting up on her elbows.

"But what if they didn't stop?" A girl with blue hair who was lying on the next bed looked over, grinning.

"Cattle prod." All three girls flinched, and Thor's attention was dragged back to his own friend as Loki poked him.

"Seriously, you have to try this." If Thor hadn't wanted to get on the beds before, it was nothing to how much he didn't want to lie on them now. The idea of people having sex on the beds was squicking him out just a little too much. Loki didn't seem to have overheard the conversation as he shuffled over to the other side of the bed, patting the now empty space beside him. "Come on. I'm not lying Thor, it's unbelievable." Thor gave him a flat look.

"I do not wish to break the bed." Loki's expression blanked for a moment (he had SO been listening in to the same conversation), then he snickered.

"Don't worry; I think the bed can probably handle it. The mattress is made of some sort of foam, it's quite something." Reluctantly Thor sat on the edge of the bed. It sank under his weight, but there was no disturbing creak. Thor relaxed a little, gradually resting more of his weight onto the bed. He could See Loki wanting to make some comment about his weight, which he curtailed with a glare.

Eventually he was lying on the bed beside Loki, looking up at the ceiling. It really was quite amazingly comfy. Loki seemed content to just lie there in silence now that Thor had given in and joined him on the bed, and Thor experienced something he had never thought he would; a quiet, relaxing time with Loki. Of course, the trickster couldn't sit still for long. After several minutes had passed and Thor was beginning to drift into a strangely contemplative mood, Loki pulled himself upright with a groan. "We should get going."

Thor considered glaring at his friend. He really was remarkably happy just lying there being lazy. But then, Thor never was the patient type. It wouldn't have taken him much longer to get bored anyway. So instead he nodded, swinging himself to his feet as well. They were close to the small restaurant in the store now, and the smells of food were beginning to peak his interest. He wasn't actively hungry yet, which was probably a good thing.

Loki on his own could probably eat the entire contents of the kitchen when hungry; Thor would probably start on the furniture. Loki seemed to be gaining an interest in the food too. They hurried on without trying the rest of the beds, going quickly through the children's section too. At the end of it though Loki paused, picking a large fluffy snake out of a bin of stuffed toys.

"Jor would have loved this…" Thor, who hadn't expected the stop, turned and gave Loki a very strange look. He could never think of the World Serpent as anything other than a mighty enemy to be defeated. It rarely even registered that the snake was Loki's son. Loki had certainly never brought up any of his children before. Indeed, even this moment of nostalgia was short lived as Loki shook his head, tossing the snake back into the bin and forcing a smile to his face as he looked at his companion. "Shall we continue?" He brushed past Thor towards the food again, but in a rare moment of thought Thor paused, watching his friend.

All of the childish glee had gone from Loki's bearing, and he suddenly looked a lot older. Maybe Thor should have been happy, or relieved that Loki was finally manning up and acting his age on this trip, but instead a strange sadness overcame him. He couldn't even stand the thought of losing Magni or Modi as Loki had lost his children… then he shook himself back to reality. Loki's children were monsters, even Vali and Narvi had inherited a share of their father's mischievous ways without any of his brilliance or rare moments of goodness.

Thor caught up with Loki quickly, clapping his friend on the back. In an unusually tactful gesture, he changed the topic.

"Shall we eat before we quest below ground for furniture?" Loki glanced up at him, and for a moment Thor thought he was going to bring up Jormungandr again, but then the moment passed. Loki still wasn't smiling, but he turned back to look at the menu.

"Why not." Suddenly a small grey bird flapped past, cooing loudly. The loopy ginger and her friends ran past in pursuit of the bird, yelling equally loudly.

"FUCKING PIGEONS!"

"GET IT!"

"IT HAS ME FRIES!" The redhead paused as she drew level with the boys, letting her friends get ahead of her as they chased the bird. She looked at them, looked at the menu, and then grinned.

"The meat balls here are delicious." Then she was off again, chasing her friends and the bird. Thor and Loki exchanged looks. All previous awkwardness was gone in a shared moment of "humans are insane". Finally Loki shrugged, going to line up for the food.

"I'll try the meat balls."

XXXX

Luckily for all involved, Ikea sold platters of ten meat balls per serving, so the furniture was safe from the wrath of Thor's stomach. Less luckily, they didn't serve beer.

"NO BEER!" The unfortunate guy serving the food took a few steps back.

"Uh… sorry? But we're not really that kind of establishment. There are children, you see…" Thor glared at the poor man.

"I care not for your bullshit! Serve me beer!" Any melancholy Loki had been feeling about his children soon disappeared as he tried not to laugh at the mortals. Denying Thor beer was practically suicidal. Loki wasn't entirely convinced that the thunder god even knew there were other things to drink. It took him a moment to realise how much attention they were getting. The norns were definitely not going to be happy. At least it wasn't his fault this time. Loki put a calming hand on Thor's arm, giving the server an apologetic smile.

"Sorry about him… he's off his meds." Thor gave him a supremely freaked out look, and Loki himself wondered where the sentence had come from. The mortal seemed to accept it though, so that counted as a win in Loki's book. Thor allowed himself to be lead away to the drinks fountain, still seething inside at the lack of beer. Loki passed him a glass in silence, before returning his attention to the drink machine. He had a vague impression of what it was for, but the specific memories he had stolen from the mortal hadn't involved drink machines.

Happily, there were plenty of mortals here to donate their knowledge. A short girl with black hair "volunteered" her expertise as she walked up and filled her glass. While Loki was busy sifting the information from her mind, she glanced around, spotted the boys staring at her, and grinned.

"Linden berry juice is awesome!" She skipped happily back to her table… where her two pigeon chasing friends had returned to their meals, bird apparently uncaught. Thor and Loki exchanged looks again, then mimicked the gesture she had used to obtain drink from the machine. Loki decided to take her advice and go for the berry juice, but Thor had found a little picture with the words "Root Beer" under it (Loki had translated it for him before he realised what Thor's reaction would be). Sure enough, once they had sat down and Thor had taken a sip of his drink, he immediately threw the glass to the ground with a roar of rage.

"This is not beer!" Loki flinched as heads turned, but apparently Thor was so intimidating that none of the humans wanted to call him out on bad manners. That is, none but the tiny black haired girl who had shown them how the drink machine worked, who just happened to be passing their table at the time. She looked down at her legs, which were now soaked where the root beer had sprayed, then glared up at Thor.

"You got my pants!" Thor paused, unsure of what to do. Then he decided fuck it, he wanted his god damn beer and they hadn't given him any, so he was gonna stay pissed.

"Then you should not have walked into my path!"

"You shouldn't be throwing things onto the floor!"

"This travesty should not be calling itself beer!" The black haired girl paused, looking at him oddly.

"Root beer? That's a kind of pop, genius." Thor gave her an odd look back.

"What is this "pop" of which you speak?" She folded her arms glaring at him.

"Please don't be that stupid. You're too pretty to be that stupid." Thor drew himself up in fury, and Loki chuckled from his side of the table. This was too funny for him to worry about the amount of attention they were getting. A small cough from behind him alerted him to the presence of the red haired girl. He glanced over and she smiled sheepishly.

"Hey. Is she bothering you?" Loki glanced back just in time to see Thor rise from his seat, and the look on the girl's face made him actually laugh.

"No, I think she's just upset because my friend spilled his drink on her." The red head looked from Thor to her friend, then shrugged.

"Fuck it; they can work it out for themselves. Mind if I sit? Kinda want a ring side view." Loki gestured that she could indeed sit, and she pulled out a chair, propping her elbows up on the table. The black haired girl and Thor were shouting at each other now, loudly enough to draw the attention of the entire store. Loki looked back at the red head across from him, leaning in so that she actually stood a chance of hearing him.

"Do you actually know these people?" A diabolical smile crossed her face and she shook her head, leaning in as well.

"No idea who they are. You?" Snickering, Loki shook his head.

"Of course not." They shared a moment of companionable silence, then Loki nodded back towards the table the women had previously occupied, where only the blue haired girl still sat.

"Why did you leave your friend?" The red head shrugged, shuffling closer to the table so that they could talk under the bellowed argument of their friends.

"Someone had to watch our stuff while one of us went to rescue that one," she pointed to her yelling little friend, "and she chose rock when I chose paper." Loki looked at her blankly.

"What do you mean?" Like her friend, the red head paused, then sighed.

"You're lucky you're pretty." He sat up a little, smiling despite himself.

"Thanks." This was apparently not the expected reaction, as the girl paused again, then grinned.

"Fuck yes for an awesome answer?" Loki nodded, not particularly bothering to question the subject change. If it was all that important he could scoop the knowledge from her mind. They sat without talking for a while. Thor and the short girl didn't seem about to stop yelling any time soon, and a few employees were starting to edge nervously towards them. The redhead glanced over at the employees, sighed, and smiled, getting to her feet. "Guess I had better sort this out. Man, she usually hates conflict… your friend must be really pissing her off." Loki smiled innocently up at her. She had called him pretty, so he wasn't averse to her presence.

"Not my friend, remember? I don't know these crazy people." The girl laughed, nodding.

"Right. Me neither. Just doing my civic duty." Waving a desultory good bye, she walked around the table to put a hand on her friend's shoulder. Loki didn't hear what she said next, but a sudden lull in the shouting suggested that it had been effective. She said something to Thor as well, so quietly that Loki couldn't be sure what it was, but he would have loved to learn it because a moment later the thunder god sat down, looking sulky but silent.

The employees relaxed considerably now that the huge man appeared to have calmed down, and decided that they really didn't need to get involved after all. Gradually the cafeteria returned to normal, and Thor and Loki finished their food. Then it was time to go downstairs and select all of the furniture. It was rather warehouse like down there too, except now it was more like a warehouse of junk. All kinds of random things were littered around in buckets and bins.

Fortunately Loki seemed to have fully recovered from his earlier burst of ADD, and they actually got through this area in a way that suited Thor's shortened temper. Loki remained silent so as not to aggravate his companion, and as they passed through large spaces of lamps, pillows and candles, Thor's temper seemed to ease.

Finally they arrived at the large aisles filled with furniture, in its boxed state. Thor looked around in confusion, but Loki was busy watching in mounting envy as the red head and her two friends sped up and down the aisles on top of the long flat carts, apparently having a pitched battle. Sadly, he didn't think Thor was in the mood for an amazing cart war.

Sighing regretfully, he pulled the huge shopping list and his collection of liberated papers from his pocket and pointing to the wall where the carts were waiting.

"Grab two?" Thor gave him an indignant look, and for a second Loki thought he was going to have a full on bitch fit on his hands about why he couldn't tell the thunder god what to do. But apparently Thor wasn't in the mood for a tantrum worthy of a four year old, as instead he fetched the carts. Loki took his, glancing at the list to try and distract from the temptation to jump on top of the cart and fly at high speed down the aisles.

It was moderately successful. At least in so far that they actually managed to get most of the shopping done without breaking anything, even if it did come close when he took a corner a little too quickly for the over laden cart and almost tipped it. A little hasty magic had righted the cart before anything actively fell, although Thor had to catch the sofa he liked before it tipped. He shot Loki a dirty glare, but said nothing.

Loki went a little slower after that. People started to give them strange looks again as the piles of boxes on both carts grew higher and higher until neither god could see over it. Then a new plan was required to keep them from crashing into things. Naturally, Loki had an idea. Naturally, Thor didn't like it.

Loki stood back to view his creation. Thor was glaring at him like there was no tomorrow, but other than that it was beautiful. Perfect, even. The other shoppers were stopping to stare, and a few feet away he could hear a loud crash as a few of the crazy girls collided because they were too busy staring. Two ropes, pulled conveniently from the air, wrapped around the handles of the trolleys before coming forward to attach themselves to Thor's belt. While not exactly impressed with his new role as pack animal, no one could deny that Thor was perfectly suited to it. It was impossible for Loki to keep the wide grin off his face as he moved around behind the trolleys to make sure nothing fell.

"Alright Thor, you can go now." Muttering angrily to himself but unable argue until he could come up with a better idea, Thor began walking down the aisle. The two carts, despite being stacked far beyond their normal capacity, did not hinder him in the slightest. Loki followed him through the rest of the store, chuckling happily to himself as he cast a spell to keep anything from falling.

The employees at the checkout were watching their approach with apprehension, but Thor didn't even slow down and it was up to Loki to quickly push one trolley in front of the other so that they would both fit through the space. The employees continued to look worried, and he shot them his best smile while still making sure nothing fell from the creaking carts. "Don't worry about scanning them; we already worked out what it will cost. This should cover it." He pulled the large bag of gold they had been given (well, Thor had been given… but really, anything they gave to Thor they may as well have given to Loki, because Thor never bothered to check his pockets) and tossed it onto one of the counters.

One of them employees, a tall young man (but only a few inches taller than Loki) stepped forward, frowning.

"That isn't how it works…" Loki's smile became distinctly shark like.

"It is for me." Apparently the young worker didn't have the nerve to argue with this extremely odd pair any further. As the two gods made their way over to the exit, another cashier opened the bag curiously. She gasped in surprise as fat, heavy gold coins spilled from the side. Everyone watched in shock as the questioning young worker slowly picked one up, holding it up to the light. She pressed her fingernail into it, and gasped.

"It's… it's real." All eyes turned again to the two young men walking away with a mountain of furniture, which they had paid for in solid gold. Abruptly the senior cashier coughed, breaking the spell.

"Right, well… that seems to be in order." One of the customers, a surly young man with a beard glared at her.

"It bloody well does not! There's got to be way more than enough money there, you're ripping them off!" The other customers agreed angrily, but the senior cashier, who wasn't senior for nothing, silenced them all with a glare.

"Would you like to fetch those two back so we can make change?" The store suddenly became very quiet. Confronting the giant with the temper just so that they could make them wait, possibly for hours, while the money was counted so that change could be made didn't really appeal to anyone. Without warning, Loki suddenly appeared beside the young man that had tried to stop him, grinning widely.

"By the way, you'll probably want these." He dived into his pockets, pulling out all of the paper slips he had abducted during his trek through the showroom, dumping them into the poor man's hands. Then he vanished again. There was a long moment of silence. Almost simultaneously, every human in the building decided that they couldn't possibly have just seen that. It was impossible for people to vanish, after all. He must have walked. No other alternative.

Happy to see that they weren't in fact going insane, the people began going about their business again… except the unfortunate young man with the bag of gold on his conveyor belt. He stared down at the bag, then at the paper in his hands. He whimpered.

"How do I enter this?" Luckily, that was a problem to be faced on another day.

"FIRE!"

XXXX

Loki smiled contentedly as he walked away from the blazing inferno that used to be Ikea. All of the humans seemed to have gotten out safely, a few having the presence of mind to bring their unpaid for furniture with them. Thor gave his friend a disapproving frown as he towed the shopping carts over to the same spot they had arrived from.

"Do you have to destroy everything you touch?" In far too good of a mood to be bothered by the tone, Loki just shrugged.

"Not everything. But most things." Thor shook his head in silent disapproval as they were teleported away, trolleys and all.

XXXXX

HK: And a message for the lovely people who review! I'm not actually expecting many people to even read this story, but if you do I would very much appreciate a review. As with all my other fics, disclaimer situations will be available upon request. I will be updating once a week until I run out of prewritten story so I'll just show a few examples in the beginnings of the next few chapters. I'm wondering just how blasphemous it is to put my god into these situations… not that this'll stop me! XD


	2. 02 Building Furniture

HK: Well y'all can thank kingbroseidon for this nice early update. We're meant to be working today, but since she's busy reading fan fiction (should never have sent her the link!) I have nothing better to do than post this. I could post something that people would, well, read, but what the hell! Also here we finally get to the part I was talking about earlier! Down at the bottom of this chappie is the scene that inspired me to write. Enjoy! Also! We're getting a little more of the ladies in this one. Don't get too mad at me about Loki's relationship with Sigyn, it will be explained in time!

Disclaimer: Freyr: (chilling in a lawn chair with a glass of lemonade) HK still isn't completely comfortable with having us do the usual stupid crap she has in these, so I got voluntold. Probably 'cause she thinks I'm a pimp. (waves his hands, sprinklers come on) What can I say, she's right. HK doesn't own anything. (sips his lemonade)

WARNINGS! More of Thor being Thor and Loki being Loki… mostly just harsh language and a little innuendo.

Important note! This happens after Hel and Jor have been banished, but before Fenrir was chained. As such, Thor doesn't have his hammer yet, Loki's lips haven't been sewn shut yet, and in general they can actually still be friends.

XXXXX

The norns were not impressed.

"For the love of crap Loki!" There was a brief moment as the other two gave Skuld an odd look, but the norn of the future ignored them. "We told you not to cause trouble! Do you ever listen to a word I say?" Loki, still far too high on the amazingness of his bonfire, simply grinned.

"Occasionally." Skuld drew herself up, her fury making her look more like a Valkyrie than usual. Fortunately Odin stepped in quickly before Loki could get his ass cursed. He had almost gone a full month without a curse of some kind, which was something of a record for him. Be a shame to break it now.

"He will be dealt with. I shall find a fitting punishment for him." For a moment, it didn't seem like Skuld was going to agree. After all, the future was her domain, and Loki had basically just fucked it in the ass a little. Slowly a rather terrible smile crossed her face, and she calmed.

"No." Odin blinked, a little surprised by the outright refusal. Usually people treated him with respect. Apparently Skuld wasn't in the mood for manners though, and Odin wasn't about to bring it up while she was like this.

About once a month she got really aggressive, and long experience had taught Odin that it was better to back away slowly during those times. Loki hadn't spent enough time in the company of the norns to know that, however, and thus he wasn't running away.

He was a little surprised though when the normally composed Skuld gave him a vicious smile equal to one of his own. "I have a far better idea. Loki and Thor have retrieved our furniture. Thor failed to keep Loki from his usual chaos. Thus both will be punished." Thor shot Loki an utterly unimpressed glare. Loki ignored him.

Skuld pointed a long, gnarled finger at the two gods. "Together, you will be charged to construct and deliver the furniture you have purchased to every house in Asgard! And you can use no magic to assist you. I would suggest you hurry," she added with a dark smile as both gods started angrily, "you do not want to keep your fellows waiting." Loki glared at her indignantly, but Odin butted in before he could argue, smirking.

"I agree with the punishment as it stands. I recommend you start with the furniture for the norns, before moving on to mine." The Allfather swept away, leaving Thor to glare at Loki.

"You couldn't resist burning things." Loki glared right back.

"I didn't know this would happen!" Skuld rolled her eyes, going back to her own rooms and leaving her sisters to evict the two gods. Which they did quite quickly; after all, they were looking forward to having their furniture delivered.

XXXX

Sif had apparently gone to visit some of her own friends, taking the twins and Thrud with her so no one was home in Thrudheim. This made it far preferable to Loki's home, so the gods lugged the ridiculous tower of furniture into Thor's hall. In the largest room, they looked up at the monumental task before them. Loki sighed.

"It wouldn't be so bad if I could just use magic." Thor grunted an agreement.

"The only time when I would welcome your witchcraft, you are banned from using it. Typical." Loki scowled up at him.

"It isn't my fault." That got him a flat look.

"It is." Loki pulled out his best innocent face.

"How could any of this possibly be my fault?" And again, flat look.

"You set the Ikea on fire." The trickster paused, considering this. He shrugged, dropping the innocent act. Not much point really, Thor had kind of been there.

"Yeah, but I didn't know this would happen." Thor rolled his eyes, beginning to unload the slightly unstable stack.

"Would it have stopped you anyway?" Loki paused, giving Thor an appraising look. Thor had been getting sarcastic lately… not that long ago, Loki had been convinced that Thor had no idea what sarcasm was. A slightly sappy grin crossed the trickster's face. Thor was learning from him. And then he came back to his senses and pulled the long horrible list from his pocket.

"Probably not." He looked down the list, which thankfully was organized by who wanted what. "I guess we should get started." Thor nodded, frowning at the nearly identical boxes.

"What did Skuld want?" Loki gave him an incredulous look.

"Are we seriously doing her stuff first? It's her fault we're in this mess!" Thor gave him a flat look again. That's an expression that's getting a real work out today.

"Set fire to Ikea." In spite of himself, Loki grinned.

"Alright, fair point. But it was still her idea that we have to do this." Thor shrugged, deciding that lifting half the stack off at a time would work faster.

"Yes, but if she stops being angry with us, we may be able to visit the future of Midgard again." Loki nearly dropped the list as he stared at Thor in shock. It was entirely possible that he was losing his touch. Thor had had an idea that awesome before he had. Because Loki had quite enjoyed his visit to the future Earth. It was so nicely flammable, for one thing.

No longer objecting to the idea as plans for his next visit to Midgard replaced spite, he consulted the list.

"We should probably sort all of the boxes by person first… it'll save time in the long run," he explained as Thor grunted. No arguing with that though, so they spent the next few hours moving piles of boxes around Thor's living room.

Sif arrived back with the kids just as they had sorted out the last boxes, and though she was a little confused as to why her front room was full of boxes, she was too happy to worry.

"Thor! You took your shoes off!" At the abrupt arrival of his wife, Thor remembered why he had actually been so considerate (fucker) in the first place. Dropping the box containing a table almost on Loki rather than on the pile, he strode in the hall to sweep his wife into his arms and kiss her.

Magni, Modi and Thrud watched their parents for a moment, before going to explore the mound of boxes in their house. Loki watched a moment longer, as always slightly jealous of Sif. Not for the love and affection, he got plenty of that from his own wife on the rare occasion that he actually went home, but for the fact that Sif had Thor.

The thunder god was never tenderer than when he was with his wife. After a few minutes, Sif pulled away, looking flushed but happy. "What brought that on?" Thor beamed down at her as though she was the most wonderful thing he had ever seen in his life.

"I love you. You are the most beautiful woman in Asgard, and your taste in furniture is perfect." Sif still looked happy, but was now more than a little confused. Loki, on the other hand, almost knocked over a stack of boxes as he fell undaintily on his ass. The sofa. Thor had kissed Sif to within an inch of her life because he approved of the sofa.

Magni and Modi were watching the trickster curiously now, but Thrud had already decided that she was too grown up to be excited about mystery boxes or her parents kissing, and had gone to her room. While highly tempted to storm out and… he wasn't sure what, but it would definitely involve yelling at Thor, Loki instead turned his attention to the twins.

"What do you want?" Magni frowned.

"Why did you fall?"

"Because your father's an idiot." Modi puffed himself up angrily.

"He is not! Daddy's the smartest!" Even Magni looked dubiously at his brother at that one. Loki decided to take it as a joke, and laughed, ruffling the boy's hair.

"He's certainly something. So do you want to help Uncle Loki and your genius father build a whole lot of furniture?" Magni seemed to have noticed the sarcasm where Modi didn't, and Loki made a mental note of it. Magni appeared to have inherited his mother's brains rather than his father's. Have to keep an eye on that.

Modi, on the other hand, cheered up at having "successfully" defended his father's honour.

"Sure!" Unfortunately Sif chose just that moment to enter the sitting room, giving Loki a slightly wary smile. They had always gotten on well enough, but she still wasn't convinced that Loki was a particularly good influence on her husband, let alone her children.

"Sorry Loki, but the boys have to go and see Tyr for weapons training soon." Thor puffed himself up proudly, putting a hand on his wife's shoulder.

"Mighty warriors they're shaping up to be already! Tyr himself told me that he was impressed with their progress!" Loki resisted the urge to roll his eyes. The twins were barely four years old, but it was already obvious that they took after their father in strength.

The boys were thrilled by their father's compliment, running over to hug him. They were barely as tall as Thor's thigh, which did absolutely nothing to deter their enthusiasm as they almost knocked him over. Loki got to his feet, directing his smile at Sif as Thor wrestled with his boys.

"With Thor for a father, they will certainly be an asset to Asgard's defense. Maybe I should teach them some magic as well? It can't hurt to have brains as well as brawn." Sif looked a little unsure, but Thor's loud laugh prevented her from actually saying anything. She was actually having visions of what would happen if her boys somehow learned Loki's cunning along with his magic, and in all honesty Ragnarok seemed a better option. Fortunately Thor was boisterous enough to distract Loki's attention before she had to try and find a polite answer.

"You'll not corrupt my boys with your womanly arts, Loki! My sons are men, and they will need no trickery to aid them in battle!" Loki shot him a heated glare, fully willing to go into the age old debate again. Sif decided to head them off at the pass.

"Why are there so many strange packages in the sitting room Thor? Have you and Loki been down to Midgard already?" At first she wasn't sure they would let the subject change stick. Thor smiled suddenly, scooping Magni up over his shoulder and fending off Modi with one hand.

"Indeed. And we shall be assembling our bounty for you as soon as we have finished with Odin and the norns'." Sif tilted her head, a little confused.

"Are you assembling everyone's then?" Loki smiled a little bitterly at her.

"Yes, and without magic. Odin has decreed that we must."

"Loki could not resist spreading discord and mayhem," Thor confided with a wink. He dropped Magni, shooing the twins out of the room. "Go and prepare for your lessons with Tyr." He pulled Sif in for another kiss as she passed him before waving her away too.

Turning back to a still sullen Loki, he gave his friend a wide smile. "Cheer up my brother! I did not mean to insult you earlier; I merely do not want my sons to follow in your footsteps. Asgard would surely not survive another two like you." Somewhat mollified, Loki shrugged, glancing around at the boxes around him.

"Technically I am your father's brother." Thor clapped him on the shoulder as he passed on his way to Skuld's pile of deconstructed furniture.

"Be that as it may, I shall never think of you as anything other than my own kin. Now let us begin our task; if mortals can do it it surely cannot take us very long!" Yeah right Thor. Yeah right.

XXXX

Half an hour later:

"WHAT THE HEL IS A SCREWDRIVER!" Loki frowned reproachfully at Thor.

"There's no need to bring her into this." Thor paused, his frustration momentarily derailed.

"True. But still! What is this infernal device!" The trickster examined the diagram that had come with Skuld's end table.

"I don't know. Let's skip this one and hope none of the others need it." Tough luck boys. Every box they opened seemed to require a screwdriver as part of the instructions. Loki examined each and every screw in detail, trying to see if there was any way they could be persuaded to work with neither screwdriver nor magic. He was out of luck though.

From the pictures in the book and the design of the screws, their purpose was fairly self-evident. However, since the Aesir weren't exactly master craftsmen in the arts of carpentry or masonry, no such tool existed in Asgard.

It would be a simple matter for Loki to construct one by magic, but again, he was forbidden to use his talents until the task was completed. But the task couldn't be completed without that magic. Quite the conundrum.

Of course, it wasn't like Loki had ever been too bothered by rules in the past. Thor, on the other hand, laboured under the delusion that he was a good person, and therefore would not cheat. It seemed that only one other alternative was left to them; a trip down to Svartalfheim to see the black dwarves. They would almost definitely have the required tool. The only question was, could Loki be bothered to go?

The answer was definitely not, so whilst Thor wasn't looking, Loki transformed a handy stick into a screwdriver and presented it to his nephew. Thor, who was not very inquisitive by nature, accepted it readily and the work began.

Not being particularly huge fans of actually reading instructions, they managed to attach three of the four legs on a small end table backwards by the time Sif returned from dropping off the twins. The corn goddess took one look at them, Thor holding the table upside down whilst Loki puzzled over the wheels, only one of which had slipped neatly into a hole.

By some unerring womanly instinct for when the men have skipped that all important step (or maybe just by knowing these particular men), she immediately realised what the problem must be, even without any experience with Ikea.

Smiling fondly, she found the discarded instruction booklet and looked through it for a moment. Yes, she could see what the problem was now. The men hadn't seemed to notice her yet, still puzzling over what they had done wrong.

Trying to be as unobtrusive as possible because she knew how delicate the boys' egos could be, she tapped Loki gently on the shoulder and put the book into his hands. Still examining the table legs minutely, the trickster didn't even turn to acknowledge her.

Indeed, it took him a few moments to notice that he was now holding more than just the wheels. He didn't seem about to question how it got there, and in fact almost dropped it again. Sif was just wondering if she was just going to have to give in and actually tell the boys what they had done wrong when Loki seemed to decide that the directions were worth a brief flick through.

As he reached the part where he put the legs on the table he groaned, smacking himself in the forehead. Thor looked over, annoyed more than concerned at this point.

"What?" Loki groaned again, dropping the wheels.

"We put the bloody legs on the wrong way around." Thor roared in frustration, and seemed to be highly considering smashing the bloody table and starting again. Sif decided that it would be best for her to intervene now, and keep the boys from getting themselves into more trouble.

"I'm sure it won't take long to fix now that you know what's wrong." Loki gave her a baleful glare, not bothering with niceties at this point.

"It took us long enough to do it this way. How do the mortals manage!"

"Quite well apparently." Thor shot her a glare too for this one, but Sif had realised that her time was better spent doing… pretty much anything else. As much as she would enjoy sticking around to watch her husband doing something constructive for once, it was about time she went to visit Sigyn. Someone ought to tell the poor dear that Loki was actually back in Asgard.

Sif couldn't understand why she worried so much, especially after the scandal with the giantess came out. But for reasons known only to her, Sigyn adored her husband, and stood by him come what may. Leaving the men to bicker over how to fix the table, Sif left again.

XXXX

In the end, they didn't actually fix the table legs. Loki took a knife and gouged new holes into the bottom of each leg, slotting the wheels into those. The end result wasn't quite as stable as Ikea had intended, but, well, Skuld shouldn't have insisted on having her furniture done first when they weren't very good at it yet.

In a perfect world, the boys would learn from their mistake and begin to read the instructions. In a perfect world, they'd be women. Or at least sensible. But no, they were Thor and Loki, so they never bothered turning to the instructions.

Instead, Loki simply improvised his way around any mistakes with the help of his knife. If this made the furniture a little less durable than the original design, that was okay. Loki also placed runes upon most of it to prevent it from failing, and to keep it sturdy long after its intended time.

If Odin objected to the use of magic, Loki would simply not rune his stuff. Eventually, everything all three of the norns had requested was more or less finished and it was time to deliver. The furniture looked a lot more daunting when it was fully constructed.

Fortunately the carts were large enough to carry the sofas and tables, and Thor was easily strong enough to carry all the rest of the stuff by himself. He wasn't too impressed with the idea of being a pack horse again though.

"Why can you not carry some of this?" Loki rolled his eyes, tugging one of the carts through the large door.

"Because I'm not supposed to be using magic, if you don't recall." Thor huffed, shuffling a pair of padded arm chairs across his shoulders.

"I was thinking less of your magic and more of your muscles." Loki paused a short way down the street to stare incredulously at his friend. After a moment it seemed that Thor was serious. It was a little hard for Loki to find a response to this which didn't hurt his own pride. Finally he settled for,

"Because I did most of the work during the building, so it's only right that you do most of the work on the delivery." Thor grunted doubtfully, but didn't argue. They drew a lot of looks as they passed through the city to the passage down to the base of Yggdrasil, where the norns lived. Baldur paused on his walk to chat.

"So your journey to Midgard was successful?" Loki, who didn't like Baldur at the best of times and was still frustrated from putting together the furniture (it's not that hard if you actually read the instructions), nodded curtly.

"Yes." Thor gave Loki a minorly reproachful look. Manners were important.

"Indeed it was, my brother. And because Loki could not resist his usual antics, we shall be building and delivering it for you personally." Both of Baldur's golden brows raised at this, and he gave Loki a slightly patronising smile.

"Really? Well, I suppose if normal punishments aren't enough to make you learn, Loki, at least the rest of us will benefit." Loki gave him a sarcastic smile in return.

"Of course, we must focus on how everything impacts you, Baldur. It would be a shame if you had to do any work." The god of light's smile faded to a frown.

"Your temper is not usually so short, trickster. Surely you aren't having trouble with your task?" Thor opened his mouth to confess that yes, yes they were, but Loki slammed his hand across it.

"Of course not." Baldur smirked, reading the truth in the gesture.

"Good. I should hate to think that the tasks mortals find so easy were giving you any difficulty. Indeed, one might think that you didn't deserve your place among us… were that the case. I'll tell Nanna to be  
>expecting your delivery soon then?" He strolled on, leaving Loki to fume behind him. Still showing extraordinary presence of mind, Thor said nothing, waiting until Loki calmed enough to speak. Finally the trickster turned to face him, speaking through gritted teeth.<p>

"We do his last." Thor didn't argue.

XXXX

Skuld was still off in her own room, so it was Urd, the norn of the past, who let them in. She looked the furniture over critically, then shrugged.

"It's good enough. Would you mind setting it up for us as well?" Loki opened his mouth to swear at her, but now it was his time to be silenced rather abruptly. Thor gave Urd a wide, if rather fake smile.

"Gladly, my lady. If you would direct us?" As soon as his mouth was free again, Loki began to mutter angrily under his breath, ignoring even Thor's warning glares to stop. Fortunately Urd thought of Loki the most kindly of the three sisters, and was willing to let his temper slide as long as she got her comfy chair.

She even went as far as to offer them refreshments before they set out again, but while Thor wanted to accept, Loki cut her off bluntly.

"We have far too much more to do to waste any more time here." The limits of Urd's patience were now being tested, and her smile turned sharp.

"You should control your temper better Loki, lest it get you into more trouble. My sister is not the only one capable of wrath." Forced despite himself to admit that his temper wasn't Urd's fault, Loki grudgingly apologised. Almost at once her smile sweetened again, and she placed a cookie in each of their hands. "I accept your apology. And you have my thanks for your assistance." Loki grunted gruffly, looking at the cookie rather than at the woman.

"Don't thank me, I didn't do it because I wanted to." The old woman smiled, patting Loki's cheek in a grandmotherly fashion.

"I'll thank you anyway Loki if I want to. It's one of the perks of age, I do what I want. When you boys are done come and find me again and I will talk to my sister about letting you visit the future again." Both Thor and Loki looked surprised at this, and she chuckled. "Your conversation happened hours ago, that puts it in my domain. Eat your cookies, boys, and do try to cheer up. Young Baldur can be arrogant at times, but he means no harm. If he gets to you too much Loki, just remember that he came quite close to losing the battle for his wife against his blind brother Hod." In spite of himself, Loki smiled.

"Even after seeing your sister's temper, it seems to me that you're the most dangerous one to cross, dear Urd." The norn chuckled, settling herself comfortably into her new comfortable chair.

"You're quite the flatterer, Loki, but you may be right. Everyone has something in their past that they would not wish the world to know, and I of course know all that has occurred." Loki moved closer, the gleam of mischief lighting in his eyes.

"It seems that only a fool would cross you, Lady Urd."

"A fool… or a trickster," she replied with a sly smile. "Now either come and sit with me a while or return to your duties. It will be Verdandi's turn to come in and rest soon, and Skuld will be heading out to water Yggdrasil from my well. She cannot argue if you are my guests, but she is not best pleased with you now trickster." Again, Thor decided to let Loki make the decision, mostly because he didn't want to get smacked across the mouth again.

He was becoming impatient with the talk though, as he didn't bother to understand it. He had already finished his cookie, and was eying Loki's covetously. The trickster didn't appear to have noticed, as he was still engaged in his conversation. His temper was as changeable as his form, and already he was almost cheerful.

"As much as I'd love to stay and bandy words with a beautiful and intelligent lady such as yourself, I'm afraid Odin will be less patient and understanding. But can I perhaps visit you another day?" Urd chuckled again, shaking her head.

"Don't think I don't know what you're doing, my dear trickster." Loki looked slightly guilty, but tried for his charming smile anyway. This made Urd flat out laugh. "Don't think I object, either. I have no problem with being flattered by good looking young men such as yourself." Laughing in spite of himself, Loki bent to kiss her hand.

"Then I shall see you again soon, I hope." Urd smiled up at him, waving a hand in the direction of the door.

"Get out of here then, young troublemaker." Giving her a low bow, Loki allowed Thor to pass through the door before him, back onto the path back to Asgard. Actually humming in his new found good mood, Loki paused half way up the World Tree to glance at Thor.

"You were oddly silent during our visit to Urd." Thor shrugged, partially glad that Loki's mood was better, mostly wondering if Loki was ever going to eat that damn cookie or if he could have it.

"I know of old that words are the only medium in which you will always defeat me. I know better than to tempt your tongue when you're in a bad mood." A little surprised at the compliment, Loki bestowed a dazzling smile on his friend.

"Well my mood is far from bad now. I could probably even tackle more of those bloody Ikea boxes without complaint." Thor grunted noncommittally, his mood not as boosted.

"A good thing too, as we don't have a choice." The trickster shrugged happily, pushing aside the entrance into Asgard and stepping out into the city.

"But as I feel now, I may even enjoy it. It is certainly different to build something." Thor half smiled in spite of himself.

"For you perhaps." Loki chuckled, turning to face his friend and walking backwards down the street.

"Admit it Thor, you rarely do anything constructive either. Breaking things is more both of our styles." Thor nodded a gruff agreement, spotting something over Loki's shoulder that could lead to even more trouble than Baldur.

"Loki?" The trickster flinched a little spinning around to greet his wife.

"Sigyn. Sorry I didn't come straight home to see you." Sif walked over to join them as well, smiling at Thor as she approached. She glanced at Loki with badly disguised distaste as he practically held his bride at arm's length, not quite looking at her as he spoke.

Sigyn, being eternally patient where Loki was concerned, didn't seem to mind. Indeed, she seemed almost ridiculously pleased to have her distant husband back.

"It's alright. How was your journey?" Loki shrugged, still not looking at her.

"Not bad. We got everything we were sent for… and some other stuff too. We have to build everyone's stuff for them, so I won't be home for a while." Sigyn nodded, still smiling widely.

"Sif told me. Would you like any help?" Loki shook his head quickly, meeting her eyes for the first time.

"No, we'll be fine. We have to finish Odin and Sif's furniture first, but I promise we'll do our stuff next, alright? Before anyone else's." His wife sighed happily, brushing a few strands of hair back off her face.

"I don't care about that Loki, you know I don't. I'm just glad that I get the chance to see you." On a lesser, or possibly greater man than Loki, you would be seeing some guilt right about now for flirting with a norn not even twenty minutes ago. Not so on Loki the polygamist. He just nodded quickly.

"Right. Well… we have a lot to do, and I'm sure you ladies are busy too?" She nodded back, smile fading a little.

"Yes… we were going to go shopping." A slight smile crossed Loki's face, with a tenderness in it that might just have redeemed him a little to Sif… had she not been busy talking with her own husband about some new clothes she had bought.

"Good. You deserve something nice. And Sigyn…" he glanced around, as if making sure there were no witnesses (there weren't), before quickly leaning in and pressing a gentle kiss to her lips. "I'll be back with you and the boys soon. I have a surprise for you."

Sigyn lit up like a Christmas tree at the rare display of public affection (she didn't notice the lack of witnesses). Almost ashamed to have made his wife so happy, Loki grabbed Thor's arm and attempted to tow the thunder god back toward Thrudheim.

He wasn't all that successful, but Sif got the hint and began to lead the glowing Sigyn away. "We'll see you ladies soon!" Sif huffed, wrapping an arm around Sigyn's shoulders as they returned to the market.

"I'm sure. I don't know why you put up with him Sig… if Thor ever treated me like that… I mean, Loki's such a womanizer!" Sigyn frowned, ever ready to defend her husband.

"I know that Magni and Modi aren't your sons." Sif flushed a little, frowning.

"Yes, but I love them as my sons and Thor swore that the giantess meant nothing to him!"

"As Loki has sworn to me."

"Well… it isn't just women! Your husband lies with men too. He's gotten himself pregnant Sig!" Sigyn gave her friend a slightly frosty gaze.

"And he's a more compassionate father for it. Unlike your Thor, he actually understands the pain I went through in child birth. He doesn't belittle it. And I don't care how many men or women,"

"Or horses," Sif added under her breath,

"he touches, just so long as his heart always belongs to me." Sif sighed, giving her friend a quick hug.

"I wouldn't count on that too much Sigyn, that's all I'm saying. I just don't want to see you hurt." Sigyn gave her a heart rending smile.

"You're a good friend Sif, but Loki would never hurt me."

XXXX

Having already had some experience in these matters, Loki and Thor found that Odin's set of furniture went a lot quicker. Indeed, since Loki was in a good mood, even Thor found it almost enjoyable. There was a certain something to be said for building things rather than breaking them.

Of course, everything seems much better without constant bitching. They ran into several more of their fellows on their way to deliver the furniture, all of whom had apparently heard about their predicament, and all of whom wanted to know when their furniture was going to get finished.

Thor tended to stay out of these discussions, knowing that now Loki's complaints were good natured, and more of a joke than anything. Still, Thor had less patience than the trickster for conversation about bland topics, or indeed conversation in general, so while Loki talked Thor let his attention drift.

Only when Loki paused to chat with Freyr for almost twenty minutes (something to do with how much Freyr would enjoy the future Midgard, now that it was warm enough for women to show skin) did he get bored enough to interrupt.

"Loki. Either carry these chairs or hurry up." Loki and Freyr exchanged looks, then Freyr chuckled, waving a hand.

"I'll have to come with you on your next journey, Loki. But I'll let you get on now, before Thor grows too tired." Loki nodded, smiling widely.

"I'll look forward to it." Thor privately decided to skip this trip, as he had no wish to sit around watching as Freyr and Loki seduced various women (and occasionally men) of Midgard.

Thor had hoped that the apparent relish Freyr took in his marriage would curb his overtly sexual nature, but apparently not. Freyr had left his wife maybe twenty minutes ago, and already he was planning another whoring expedition with Loki. That's probably inevitable really, Freyr being a fertility god and all.

Thor knew his disapproval wouldn't exactly stop the pair, so he remained silent for the rest of the way to Gladsheim, despite Loki's attempts to draw him into conversation. Like Urd, Odin had them place the furniture the way he wanted it before allowing them to leave. However, he also told them that they would not be required to do the same for the rest of the Aesir unless they wanted to. Like hell either of them were going to volunteer for that… well, except for their wives.

Sif's furniture took less time than Odin's, now that the boys were getting really good at it. Of course, organizing it to the goddess' satisfaction took significantly longer. Sif was just returning from her day out with Sigyn, arms full of shopping as the boys finished setting up. She took one look around the house, and groaned.

"Thor, you cannot put a sofa at the dining room table." Thor glanced down at the shiny brown sofa (the one he really liked), then back at his wife.

"Why not?" Loki snickered, then contrived to look as innocent as possible when the couple snapped around to look at him. Sif shook her head, returning her attention to her husband. This was going to be quite awkward enough without Loki's interference. It always was when she put her foot down.

"Because it is a dining room. You'll only spill food all over the sofa and ruin it." Thor frowned, not liking that Sif was telling him off in front of his friend. It didn't help that she was completely right, or that the friend was Loki, who could be counted on to tell anyone who was likely to be amused by it.

"It will survive. Besides, I would rather eat in comfort." Sif folded her arms, giving her husband a sceptical look.

"Would you rather not be comfortable when you return home from your quests and go to sit in front of the fire with the children and I?" Humming a cheerful tune, utterly aware that he was only making matters worse, Loki leaned against the table and inspected his nails.

Something in the way that Thor glanced at the sitting room before answering her caught Sif's attention. "What kind of furniture DID you put in the sitting room, Thor?" Thor looked at the ground, shame faced, and Sif turned, striding down the hall to open the doors and look for herself.

She stormed back a lot quicker than she had left, her face almost as thunderous as Thor's was wont to be. Her voice, in contrast, was deadly calm. "Why is the sitting room empty of all but crates?" Thor shuffled his feet, a grown man reduced to a child.

"There isn't much room in there…" Sif's voice now became deceptively sweet.

"And how about when you remove the boxes? What are we to do then, Thor? Would you have us sit on the floor?" The thunder god still wasn't looking at her, and seemed more sheepish than anyone Loki had ever seen.

"No…" The corn goddess advanced, now poking him in the chest.

"Do you know what you're going to do?" Thor glanced up in a panic, looking across at Loki for help. The trickster grinned like he had been given a pair of strippers wrestling in a tub of jello and said nothing. Given no other alternative, he looked at his wife. His normally loud voice was reduced to almost a whisper.

"No?" Sif's smile widened, almost as wide as Loki's but not quite.

"You are going to take that couch and put it in the sitting room. You're going to have to move some boxes around, but you're going to do that so that you have somewhere to sit while you build the rest of the furniture. Do you understand?" Thor nodded mutely, picking up the couch and carrying it through to the other room.

Sif and Loki followed, carefully avoiding each other's gaze. Loki because he didn't want to burst out laughing, Sif because she didn't want to see the look on his face. Not many people had ever seen her more aggressive side. But then, she wasn't married to a thunder god for nothing.

Thor was waiting in the sitting room, having placed the sofa a few feet away from the fireplace and cleared a space for it. He was still looking at the ground, having decided that it was better if he didn't look at either of them. Sif smiled, walking over and placing a gentle kiss on his cheek. "Thank you. I'm going to go and get the twins, would you like to come?" Loki dropped in before Thor could say yes.

"We have to do Sigyn's furniture, and we really do have too much stuff to put together." Sif looked surprised but happy to see Loki actually thinking of his wife.

"Are you sure you can't take a break?" Loki shrugged, smiling a little sheepishly.

"Probably not." Thor sighed, turning to Sigyn and Loki's stack of boxes. He had been hoping to get a short break and see his sons, but they probably really didn't have time. It had taken them six hours to get to this point, and although no one had actually said it, it was sort of generally agreed that they weren't supposed to stop until they were done.

Sif sighed, then smiled and nodded.

"Okay. I suppose I'll see you later then?" Thor nodded, not resisting as she gave him another kiss and avoiding Loki's gaze. There was a moment of awkward silence after Sif had left. Loki was still grinning all over his face, and Thor was determinedly avoiding his gaze.

Finally Thor gave Loki a challenging glare.

"We should get started." Loki honestly tried, but he really couldn't stop smiling.

"Okay. You know Thor, I never realised you were so W-H-I-P-P-E-D." Thor gave him a wary frown, bending to pick up a hammer.

"What are you talking about?" Loki grinned wider, dancing on the balls of his feet and edging towards the door.

"You, my dear friend, are completely whipped." Thor turned, throwing the hammer in the same movement and Loki let out a bark of laughter, turning and fleeing through the house. Partly pleased that he would be getting a brief reprise from the furniture related chores, even if it was just to hunt down and beat Loki rather than see his sons, Thor gave chase. Loki would soon see who was whipped!

What Thor didn't realise was that Loki would thoroughly enjoy the entire affair, from the chase to the beating, and was quite looking forward to a little rough handling. It made the chase all the sweeter.

XXXX

If Thor had been awkward in the presence in his wife, it was nothing to how Loki felt while they were outfitting his own home. Sigyn insisted on getting Vali and Narvi to help them, and while both boys would have preferred to be doing something else, they didn't want to disappoint their mother.

Loki did his best to avoid Sigyn whenever Thor was in the room, but once Thor caught them sitting side by side in silence. It was quite possibly the only time he had ever seen Loki peaceful as he sat there with his arm around his wife.

Loki's short attention span was notorious though, and by the time they left he was bored again. He needed something else to do. So his attitude started to sour again. By the time they were delivering Freya's furniture, he was bitching worse than before.

He started to complain to the goddess herself, and Freya gave him a sarcastic smile.

"A single tear drops down my cheek." Then she slammed the door in his face. That didn't bother Loki, as when he was in a mood things only served to fuel his fire. It certainly didn't decrease the amount of bitching.

Nothing seemed to, not even a visit to Freyr to tease him about his new wife. That is, nothing until they had delivered the furniture to Tyr. The war god hadn't looked kindly on Loki ever since he had become the only person allowed (and therefore was charged) to take care of Fenrir (Loki was forbidden to see his son, so he couldn't do it himself), and responded curtly to Loki's opening complaint about how much this sucked.

"Close your mouth Loki, or put it to work on my cock." Far from shutting up, Loki actually paused, looking Tyr up and down thoughtfully.

"If I do will you finish off the furniture for me?" Tyr was caught completely off guard, taking a step back.

"No!" Thor, equally startled by Loki's reaction, stared in shock at his companion as the trickster shrugged, turning and walking away.

"Fair enough." The two As leaned in to watch him as he left, and Thor glanced at Tyr. He was slightly disturbed by what he saw.

"You're actually thinking about it now, aren't you?" Tyr was unable to lift his eyes from the sway of Loki's hips (which usually weren't half so interesting… work that ass Loki!) to even glance at his comrade.

"… Yes." Thor gave him a slightly disgusted look before remembering that he had to go help Loki with the rest of the furniture building. If only the world would stop giving him cause to think about what the trickster was like in bed (fat chance Thor).

XXXX

It was late at night by the time Thor pushed open the door to Thrudheim, their task barely half complete. Neither god had really realised just how numerous their colleagues were until today, and even bold Thor was utterly exhausted.

The thunder god didn't even glance at all the piles left to go, just shed his coat, walked as far as the arm of the couch and passed out over it, asleep before he hit the cushions. Loki followed, only slightly more awake than Thor.

Seeing as how the entire sofa was covered by Thor's muscular form, the trickster shrugged, moving around to the back of the sofa. Sitting up on the back cushion, he let himself fall back until he was lying across Thor's ass, his long red hair spilling from his upside down head and onto the floor.

Thor grunted, but didn't object. He couldn't be asked to get a blanket, so Loki's body heat was a welcome addition. Before long both gods drifted into unconsciousness, neither of them noticing the shadowy figure that watched from the doorway.

Sif was unable to keep an indulgent smile from her lips as she went and fetched a blanket for them, laying it out across their bodies and pulling it carefully back from Loki's face. The trickster's brow crumpled, but he didn't stir. Thor was already starting to snore. Seeing that all was well, Sif returned to her own bed for the rest of the night.

XXXXX

HK: Well, I hope you enjoyed it! Hell, I hope anyone even reads it. But either way, I'll keep posting it. :P Spam up them internets. Leave me a review to let me know you exist and it'll happen a lot faster! Oh, and one very important note; would anyone object to actual explicit ThorXLoki smut? Because I've just not decided whether or not I'm writing that yet… Drop me a line and let me know!


	3. 03 Fireworks of the Homebrew Variety

HK: I'm… happy. :) Two whole people reviewed me! ^^ Okay, one of them was Slayers, and she did it on dA, but that totally counts! XD People actually read this! So I am a happy panda. :) This new update is ensuing while my friends are asleep (it's 11 am too, silly bitches. :P) because I will have literally no time later. I'm baking Doctor Who cookies today! :D Anyhow, enough of my random crap and on to the random crap you actually came here to read!

Disclaimer: Njord: (In a Hawaiian shirt and swim trunks) HK owns nothing, and since apparently she feels she can only get away with fucking with Vanir without being smited… just wait until you go near the ocean woman… well, I'm going to learn to surf. Won't be hard. (grabs surf board, hits the waves)

WARNINGS! More of Thor being Thor and Loki being Loki… mostly just harsh language and a little innuendo. A little Freyr being Freyr this time too, which doesn't spell trouble at all…

XXXXX

Thor was not impressed when he awoke to find his arms full, not of beautiful wife but of the devious son of Laufey. Loki still seemed to be asleep, but the way he snuggled in closer as Thor looked at him gave the thunder god his doubts.

With a roar of anger, he literally threw the startled trickster half way across the room. He had been perfectly fine with Loki falling asleep lying across his ass, as that was the bare minimum of bodily contact required to transfer heat, but somehow in the middle of the night, without Thor actually noticing, Loki had managed to sneak up until he was cradled in the circle of the thunder god's arms. And the sleeping Thor had unknowingly embraced him.

Sif had laughed herself into a fit of very quiet hysterics when she came down early in the morning to make breakfast for the children, and had sternly forbidden any of them from going in and waking their father.

Back in the present though, Loki hit the far wall and slid down it, blinking muzzily in a fair approximation of someone who had just woken up at speed. Rather than getting up, he pouted at Thor.

"The fuck was that for?" Thor, already on his feet and glaring back, folded his arms.

"You know well, Loki." Rolling his eyes, the shape shifter got to his feet, wincing as he stretched.

"I'm sorry, I wasn't aware your father had made sleeping a crime." Thor scowled at him.

"That is not what I was referring to and you know it!" Loki paused, apparently now thinking. After a moment he gave up.

"Then what? What else was I doing that so offended your highness' delicate sensibilities!" It seemed so silly now that he had to say it.

"You were… snuggling me." Well aware of how that sounded, Thor glared resolutely at Loki and defied him to comment. It certainly wasn't a temptation he could be expected to resist.

Loki opened and closed his mouth a few times, staring at Thor blankly. He couldn't quite believe what he had just heard. Surely Thor hadn't actually just used the word "snuggling"? But no, a few cautious glances confirmed that that had really just happened. And Loki was unable to restrain himself.

He wrapped his arms around his stomach and laughed, harder than he had in years. Thor just stood by the couch, stolidly glaring at him until finally he managed to get it under control. Sucking in a few deep breaths to replace the oxygen lost (the laughter had been silent now, because he was no longer actually breathing), Loki finally managed to regain some small traces of composure.

He glanced up at Thor, and almost set himself off again. Fortunately he managed to curb his giggles this time to gasp out an apology.

"I'm sorry Thor… I wasn't aware that you were so averse to being... snuggled!" He descended into laughter again while Thor fumed. Of course, the thunder god wouldn't be patient for long. Giving up on Loki regaining any semblance of normality on his own, Thor was happy to take matters into his own hands and beat a little respect into the trickster.

Storming over, he wrested Loki from the ground by the front of his shirt. Even from his position completely at Thor's mercy, Loki was still unable to sober up. "Why so serious, dear Thor? You weren't so cruel when you held me in your arms. Well, until you threw me at the wall that is!" He laughed, and Thor gave him a violent shake.

"Control yourself!" The shaking worked a little better where waiting had failed, and Loki finally stopped laughing in order to grin impertinently.

"Oh, I'm quite in control, Thor. I've done nothing I regret." Another god may have questioned this. Freyr wouldn't have had to, and immediately gone for the gay jokes. Sadly for him, Thor wasn't quite as intellectual as the others, and thus had no idea what Loki was implying.

"You spent the night in my arms like a woman Loki, and you say you have nothing to regret!" Loki snickered, although Thor's tightening grip was pulling the collar of his shirt quite tightly around his neck.

"I merely sought to position myself more comfortably, it was you who embraced me, Thor." Thor tightened his grip again without noticing, until now Loki's shirt was actually cutting off his air supply a little. Not that he minded; a little light suffocation only enhanced the experience in his mind.

"I would do no such thing!" Of course, not being able to breathe made talking a little more difficult.

"How could I… lie? It was not I… holding you close." The fact that this was true was only worsening Thor's temper, but as Loki's face changed colours he seemed to realise that the giant could not breathe.

Relaxing his grip at once, he dropped Loki back to the floor. Again, the trickster neglected to get up, massaging his throat and treating Thor to a smutty grin. "Oh, don't stop. I like it rough." Thor gave Loki a minorly disgusted look, turning away to fold the blanket a little awkwardly.

"Don't pretend to be a whore Loki, we both know you are not." Loki paused in his rubbing, giving Thor's back an utterly incredulous look. If there was one thing Loki wasn't ashamed of, it was his highly lax sexuality.

Still, it was better for him if Thor didn't catch on, as he highly doubted that Thor would be willing to remain friends if he knew that Loki occasionally amused himself by lusting after his body. So Loki shrugged and got to his feet, stretching and looking around.

"I suppose we should get started again?" Thor groaned, giving the boxes a cursory glare too, just to spread the mood around.

"If we must." Loki sighed, picking up his screwdriver and shooting the boxes a scowl of his own.

"We may as well get it over with." His motivation didn't last very long.

XXXX

"Right! Fuck this, I'm bored, let's go do something stupid." Thor looked up incredulously. Loki had just surged to his feet and now stood, a determined look on his face. Thor, on the other hand, was still sat on the ground under about seventy three percent of Baldur's table.

True, he was thoroughly bored as well, but they were so close to the end now that it seemed almost folly to stop.

"Should we not just finish this table for my brother?" Loki shrugged, stretching and tossing the hammer carelessly over his shoulder.

"Yeah, but I don't like Baldur." Not much to argue with there… still, Thor was a dutiful man, and leaving a job, especially a job intended to be a punishment unfinished did not sit well with him.

"Your opinion is not the object here, Loki… we have been given a task by my father, and we must see it completed." The trickster waved a hand dismissively at him.

"We will, we will. Just not right now. If I don't get to go and blow of some steam in our usual completely retarded way, I'm just gonna set this lot on fire and Baldur isn't getting any furniture at all. Actually, on second thought, let's do that." Loki's eyes were filling with a pyromaniac glee, and Thor reluctantly set aside the unfinished table, getting to his feet.

"Very well Loki. What do you wish to do instead?" The half As all loony god pouted as he was once again denied the opportunity to blow anything up just for the hell of it. He brightened quickly enough though, as a new idea entered his mind.

"The mortal whose mind I stole told me of many interesting things… today in Midgard they have boxes and tubes of cardboard, filled with gunpowder and metals which explode into patterns of beautiful fire." Thor frowned, understandably wary of putting anything even remotely flammable near Loki when he was in this mood.

"And what would be the point of these things?" Loki shrugged happily, already looking over the cardboard that had been used to wrap their purchases.

"To entertain mostly. They delight children and adults alike. I may know how to make them." Thor very nearly took a step backwards. Instead of mischief, Loki's eyes were now full of a pure destructive glee of the sort that usually preceded a particularly terrible prank.

Yet he had to admit he was curious. These devices Loki described sounded interesting, to say the least. And perhaps they could be adapted to make weapons against the giants… no. Loki was already far too prone to blowing things up without being given any kind of reasoned excuse. But his curiosity would not cease. And it did seem to be the perfect diversion to take their minds off the remainder of their task.

"What are these things called?" Loki's smile was pure bliss, and his eyes seemed glazed and far away. In his mind's eye he was clearly reliving the memories of the mortal whose mind had contained such  
>things.<p>

"Fireworks."

XXXX

Of course, making fireworks was harder than it sounded, although maybe not as hard as one's parents would like one to believe. The greatest challenge involved attaining the chemicals required to make the desired explosions of colour.

These were the one thing Loki could not create with magic, as he didn't fully understand the ways in which the different metals worked to provide different colours of flame. For this matter they decided to consult Heimdall, who could see many things, and hear everything that occurred everywhere.

He actually seemed rather pleased to see Loki and Thor approaching his lonely watch tower for the second time in two days.

"Ho, my friends. What business do you have at Bifrost today?" Loki gave him a dose of his sly, trickster's smile.

"Why, we seek the wisdom of the far seeing Heimdall of course! We need your help." Heimdall chuckled, leaning over the edge of his parapet to look down at them.

"Careful trickster, you know I am bound to let no harm come to Asgard or its residents. If you tell me of your scheme I may be forced to stop you, whether I wish to or not." The idea that Heimdall would rather let Loki just go ahead on many of his plans came as a surprise to Thor, who didn't often think of such things. After all, it was quite boring being on guard. Especially when you couldn't sleep. Loki smiled craftily.

"You could simply pretend you never heard my plan?" Heimdall shook his head, but he was smiling widely.

"What is it you need, Loki?" At once the trickster was all business.

"We need to know if the black dwarves have any metals which they can use to colour fire." Obligingly, Heimdall turned his gaze in the direction of Svartalfheim. Then he paused.

"And why would you have need of such a thing?" Loki's smile was pure, contained destruction.

"We are trying to make a device the humans invented called a firework." Fortunately Heimdall wasn't actually looking at Loki at the time, so he could conveniently miss seeing the imminent destruction. Instead he had a brief glance at Midgard.

"I have heard of no such device." Loki shrugged cheerfully, face composing itself back to normal.

"That's because they haven't invented it yet." Just in time too, as Heimdall actually turned to give him an odd look. Then he understood.

"Ah, you learned of this on your trip to the future." Thor nodded, still a little shell shocked by the revelation that Heimdall enjoyed Loki's pranks.

"Yes, Loki took the mind of a mortal who apparently knew of these things." The trickster chuckled.

"And of course, how could I pass up the opportunity to learn a new trick?" Heimdall nodded in acknowledgement, turning to scan Svartalfheim again.

"How indeed. I believe I see the materials of which you speak. But they are jealously guarded, and will not be shared with you." Loki deflated a little, but Thor only grew more determined. If they were going to commit this almost criminal stupidity, they were going to do it right!

"Then we shall journey there and take what we need!" Heimdall shook his head, his brow creasing as he concentrated.

"To do so would be more trouble than it is worth. The black dwarves are not closely allied, but they will all come together against you." Loki spoke up, for once trying not to start shit.

"Could they be persuaded to sell or trade us for some of these metals?" The watchman laughed coldly, most of his attention now focused on Svartalfheim.

"Not for all the gold in Asgard. Their asking price will be the same as ever it was, and Freya will not be best pleased if she learns you wish to sell her body." Loki rolled his eyes at this.

"Honestly, why does everyone always ask for Freya? You would think we had no other persons of interest." Heimdall chuckled, sparing the trickster a glance.

"Would you rather everyone asked for your body Loki? Be pleased enough that it is only Freya who is so harassed." Although he looked momentarily intrigued, Loki decided to leave the first statement alone for now.

"They only ask for Freya because they have never met her. She is beautiful, yes, but so is a wild fire. And fire does not burn with as much anger as Freya." Thor looked a little surprised that Loki would speak so openly of the goddess. True, Freya did have a bit of a temper, but it was a suicidal man that dared to mention it in her presence.

The goddess of love, fertility and war was not someone even Thor wanted to piss off. Of course, that only made it more fun for Loki. It never seemed to matter to him how many curses Freya tried to throw in his direction, they all rebounded reasonably harmlessly off Loki's own not inconsiderable magic.

Well, reasonably harmlessly unless you were standing next to Loki at the time. When Freya's curses bounced, they did it literally. Thor had been hit more than a few times, and Sif had had to have a very angry word with the love goddess to get them removed.

More to the point, the chance to make fun of Freya a little had sparked Loki's mind a little more, and he was already working his way around the problem. "I suppose… we could try making the fireworks without the coloured metal? They should still explode in at least an orangey red, so it wouldn't be a total loss." Heimdall deliberately pretended to be focusing on something else again.

"If that is what you wish to do you should go ahead Loki. Away from here. Where I can't hear you talking about explosions so I'm not forced to stop you." Loki snickered darkly, rubbing his hands together.

"I'd love to see you try, Heimdall… but you're right. We should be going Thor, that gunpowder won't create itself." Thor raised a disbelieving eyebrow.

"I thought that was the point?" Loki paused, then nodded, acknowledging the point.

"Alright, it will. But I should at least be there to supervise. Never know what might happen to unattended gunpowder." In an unusual moment of wit, Thor rolled his eyes as they began the walk back into Asgard.

"It should be perfectly safe, you're here with me." Loki actually stopped walking for a moment, staring at Thor as he drew ahead of him.

"Was that… a joke?" Thor paused, half turning to give Loki a strange look.

"Yes. Why?" A sappy grin crossed Loki's face, to be replaced by his usual mischief.

"You're learning from me. That's so sweet." Thor gave Loki a look that suggested quite strongly that the trickster had finally gone insane. It probably wasn't too far from the truth.

"What are you talking about, Loki?" For once in his life, he decided not to tease Thor. He really might be going mad.

"Don't worry about it, nephew. Now let's go blow something up."

XXXX

As Thor had quite accurately pointed out, the gunpowder had made itself, under Loki's careful direction. While he may not know much about metals and chemicals for colouring a flame, Loki did have a very complete knowledge about any element volatile enough to explode in an interesting way. Gunpowder definitely counted highly on that list of interests.

While he made the gunpowder, Loki set Thor to finding the tubes of cardboard amongst the rising mountains of debris. Under Loki's direction, Thor cautiously formed small cones of stiff paper to cap the tubes with. When both boys were done their respective tasks, it was time to bring them together.

Thor provided some nice long sticks to put in the tubes, and Sif was even enlisted to help to the extent of bringing them some string soaked in oil to serve as wicks. For her own safety (and deniability later), the corn goddess was then banned from the clearing they had decided to work in when Thor refused to allow Loki to manufacture gunpowder in the house.

It was not the kind of thing he wanted Magni or Modi within a thousand miles of. With the sticks and wicks in place, Loki lovingly packed each tube with a careful quantity of gunpowder, sealing the end with waxed paper. Before long they had almost twenty amateur fireworks made and ready to light, and even Thor's fingers were beginning to tingle. Loki's were positively twitching.

The trickster had been getting increasingly antsy ever since the first rocket was completed, glancing over his shoulder every few minutes. This was usually the point in his plans where someone came along and ruined it. But no one had come.

How could they? Thor, the most common spoiler of plans was actually complicit in this. Right now Heimdall was probably busy pretending to spy on the Jotunns, while really watching anxiously for the first sign of Loki's plan. Sif was back at her house, wondering what the hell was going on. And no one knew enough about the plan to go to Odin with. Loki had never had a plan go this well.

Alright, they wouldn't have a large amount of colour, but these fireworks would almost certainly explode quite nicely. The only question was, would the mechanism Loki had improvised to make the rockets fly into the air first work? The human's mind had been rather unclear on this matter, but he figured he had the principal down. All that remained was to light one and find out.

Loki's hands were actually shaking with excitement as he snapped his fingers, calling a flame into existence. Thor, who had been about to go for a box of matches, muttered something about showing off, but otherwise remained quiet. He could feel the mounting tension too. Both gods knew they would probably be in significant trouble if Odin busted them doing this, but there was something compelling about the fireworks. You just had to blow them up.

The results were quite gratifying. Everything Loki could have wished for, and more than Thor had ever imagined. The first rocket shot into the sky with a graceful whistle, and exploded loudly into a ball of fire. Alright, it wasn't exactly what human fireworks looked like, but the bang was impressive and the fire ball was lovely.

Besides, Loki reasoned, it would totally have worked if he had been able to get his hands on "magnesium", whatever that was. A few screams could be heard from the direction of Asgard at the first explosion, and someone shouted.

"The Jotuns are attacking!" It sounded a little like Tyr. Grinning like a kid in a candy store, Loki lit the rest of the wicks with a flick of his wrist.

"Someone should probably tell him they aren't." Thor sighed, reluctantly used to being the sane one on this expedition. It really was too much to ask Loki to be calm around this much fire power. Taking in a deep breath, the thunder god turned in the direction of Asgard.

"It is not an attack! Loki is doing his magic!" Loki paused, turning away from his vigil in front of the burning string with a pout on his face.

"Not cool. How come you said it was me? And this isn't magic," he added as an afterthought. Thor gave him a flat look.

"Who else would possibly do something like this?" Loki mulled it over for a while, occasionally opening his mouth only to close it again. He shrugged as the first of the rocket barrage flew into the sky.

"Alright, no one. But still!" Thor's voice had carried easily to every corner of Asgard, so the explosion of the second rocket brought significantly less screaming. Even if they made fun of Loki for practising magic, no one could deny that he was good enough at it to keep it under control. Almost all of the time.

As such, many of the adults were now ignoring the fireworks, figuring that whatever Loki was doing was silly and frivolous, and not really worth paying much attention to. The children, on the other hand… Well, there's something magnetic about loud explosions to small children. A few were scared and hid behind their mother's skirts, but there's only so long you can be afraid of unexpected noises when you lived in the same city as a manic trickster and his overly loud favourite victim.

Most of the children were already outside, watching the spectacular display of fire with awe on their faces. Out in the forest, Thor and Loki couldn't see any of this, but when the fifth firework went off, one of the children let out a loud cheer. After that it wasn't long before a cheer was going up with every whistling tube, and even the adults were pausing to take note.

A wide smile crossed Loki's face when he heard the cheer, and this one wasn't even full of destructive glee. It was completely genuine, which was a rare feat. With a wave of his hand, he marshalled the fire from the latest explosion, forming it into wunjo, the rune of joy. This was greeted with an even louder cheer from the children, and some applause from the adults. Even those who didn't like Loki settled down to enjoy the show.

It seemed that this was one of the trickster's rare harmless games, which delighted all without harming anyone. Now every firework that rose was accompanied by a flick of magic, which transformed the sparks and flames into images and pictures in the air.

First, a flower. A beautiful rose bloomed from the explosion, before fading into nothingness. Next the flames turned into a mighty dragon, which roared and belched an extra tongue of flame before it too faded away.

With each firework that rose, he became more adventurous. After the dragon came an otter, which swam and gamboled in the air before exploding in a shower of sparks. A gleaming sword that seemed to be battling off many enemies; a gigantic horse, running and galloping across the sky, with an actual neigh that reverberated around Asgard; a fish, which, like the otter, swam and dived almost to the level of the city roofs.

For the most part, the explosions formed into child friendly scenes, but for the last one Loki wanted to do something special. A frown of concentration crossed his face as he waved his arms like a puppeteer, and from the heart of the explosion sprang a beautiful woman.

She was dressed very revealingly in the colours of the flame, and unlike the others she stayed where she had bloomed. And danced. It was a beautiful, enticing and seductive dance, with the long hair swaying and almost always obscuring the face of the dancer.

Only once did the hair fly back, to reveal that the woman had the face of Sigyn, Loki's often neglected wife. Although the children understand, the gods and goddesses stared at the figure in the sky in shock. Loki was such a well-established man whore that many, like Sif, assumed he didn't care at all for his wife.

And yet here she was, emblazoned across the sky by his magic. Unfortunately, the goddess herself was inside at the time and missed seeing it. Vali and Narvi saw it though, so they told her about it so that was okay.

When Thor and Loki emerged from the woods after the dancing woman finally disappeared, they were greeted by Odin, who didn't look impressed. Thor paled at the sight of his father, but Loki merely grinned, spreading his arms wide to greet his brother.

"Odin! Did you enjoy our little show?" Odin frowned down from his seat above his eight legged horse.

"You scared a lot of people today Loki. You should not be so flippant." Loki, being the very image of flippant, rolled his eyes and waved a hand dismissively.

"They shouldn't be so jumpy. Besides, it's not like we did any harm." Odin's temper did not abate, and his frown only grew more pronounced.

"That does not change the fact that you should have informed us first. You could have caused a panic." Thor bowed, averting his eyes from his father.

"I'm sorry, Allfather, I should not have let Loki talk me into this." Odin glanced briefly at his son, but his expression didn't soften.

"I have long since given up the idea that you can resist the silver tongue of Loki, my son." Loki himself rolled his eyes, folding his arms.

"I still remember a time, Allfather, not so long ago, when it would have been you helping me in this endeavour, rather than your son. You weren't always such a stick in the mud." Thor gave Loki a slightly worried look. Provoking Odin was something the trickster excelled at, but that certainly didn't make it a good idea. Odin himself paused, considering his blood brother carefully. Then he smiled, nodding.

"True enough. What precisely were you doing?" Loki relaxed, a smile spreading across his face. It was nice when Odin remembered the old days, when it was both of them doing the shit disturbing rather than just Loki. It meant he got into significantly less trouble.

"Building a human device known as a firework. It didn't come out exactly as the mortal's mind suggested it should, but the effect was still pleasing enough to my mind." Odin nodded thoughtfully, glancing up at the now empty sky.

"It was indeed impressive. But how was it different from the mortal equivalent? This must be an idea you gleaned from their future, as they have nothing like this now." Loki shrugged, thinking back to the slightly confused memories he had of human fireworks. They were a little garbled, since he had mostly been taking information about the language and the ins and outs of Ikea, but they were still clear enough.

"As I understand it, the human's fireworks explode into an array of sparks of different colours, rather than a ball of fire. I would have to examine some of the actual fireworks themselves to know more…" Odin was well aware that this was a leading sentence. He was also well aware of where he was being lead. He didn't particularly object to the idea, and like Thor and Loki before him, he was becoming transfixed by the idea of fireworks. He nodded, a wide smile crossing his face.

"Very well, Loki, go and speak with Skuld about another trip to Midgard. You will hardly let us have any peace until you do anyway." The trickster grinned, reaching out to stroke Sleipnir's head. The horse whinnied happily, nuzzling his hands.

"You know me far too well, my brother. And will you join us on this quest?" Odin actually looked conflicted for a moment. He gradually shook his head, sighing.

"I'm afraid not, there is too much for me to do here. Perhaps soon I will be able to." Loki nodded, giving the horse a last gentle stroke to his nose.

"You'll have to leave Sleipnir behind I'm afraid. The humans would probably notice an eight legged horse." Odin gave him a strange look.

"They usually do."  
>"Yes, but they'd comment. Most of them don't seem to believe in us anymore." It took Odin a moment to realise the implications of this.<p>

"How convenient for your mischief, Loki." A wide, wicked smile spread across Loki's face.

"Pretty much. Shall we be on our way, Thor?" The thunder god nodded, still a little shell shocked that they weren't in trouble. Not only were they not in trouble, Odin hadn't even asked if they were done their assigned task. Good thing too really, since they weren't.

Fortunately Odin just generally assumed that if they were out shit disturbing again, they were done. He probably should have known better. I mean, it was Thor and Loki. But no, he trusted them, so with one last glance at the child he had given birth to, Loki led Thor out of the forest and back to the house of the norns. On the way there they ran into Baldur.

XXXX

The god of light, hope and all that crap smiled in what was probably meant to be a jovial manner.

"Ah, it's the master craftsmen. When will my furniture be delivered?" Loki gave him a far more sunny smile in return.

"Fuck if I know. We're off to Midgard to do far more interesting things." Baldur paused, completely shocked by this response.

"What… but… Odin charged you with a task! You can't leave until it has been completed!" Loki had to try very hard to resist the sudden urge to stick his tongue out at Baldur.

"Odin already told us we could go, so I suggest you take the matter up with him." He walked around Baldur as though he were nothing more than a stone. Thor followed without showing much more respect. He didn't really like Baldur's attitude just there either. Baldur remained, dumb struck for a moment, then stormed off to find his father.

XXXX

Skuld wasn't at all happy to be sending Loki to the future again, but Urd spoke up for them, and after hearing that Odin himself had given the okay she reluctantly let them go. Again, she forced them to dress as humans. She also gave Loki a very dark glare, and warned him in no uncertain terms that she would castrate him with her bare hands if he dared to set anything on fire while he was there.

This threat, spoken with utmost sincerity, made even the trickster pause for a moment in something very much like fear. Together with Thor he made a solemn vow to behave themselves on this trip, and do nothing that would attract attention or possibly interfere with time.

Thor couldn't resist a small snicker at the wide eyed look on Loki's face when he made the oath. Never mind what he had said to Urd, in that moment Loki had never feared anything, man, woman or beast, more than he feared Skuld. She would do it too. She wasn't a Valkyrie for nothing.

Just as they were about to leave, the door to the norns' house burst open to admit Freyr, who was out of breath but nonetheless managed to point an accusing finger at Loki.

"You BASTARD!" Everyone paused in confusion, but Loki realised what was going on first.

"Well… we've got a mission on this trip Frey, or I would have told you!" Freyr had leant over now, resting his hands on his knees. He seemed to have run at least all the way from Asgard down to Urd's Well. He was still panting quite heavily, but managed a passable glare.

"Don't… care. I'm coming… too!" Thor frowned disapprovingly at the fertility god.

"We will not be going wenching." Loki grinned, rolling his eyes as Freyr gave Thor approximately half of his usual blinding smile.

"Don't be… such a spoilsport." Skuld raised an eyebrow sarcastically.

"Shouldn't you be off enjoying your wife?" Freyr waved a hand dismissively, still sucking in huge gasps of air.

"Nah… Gerd says she's chafing… so I have to find something else to do." Seeing as how his manhood was no longer being directly threatened, Loki started to laugh. Skuld shot him a dirty look, turning her attention back to Freyr.

"You were too busy to go on the last journey to Earth, what makes you think you will be allowed on this one?" Almost fully recovered, Freyr straightened, giving her a charming smile.

"Why would you want to stop me?" Skuld was not deceived.

"Perhaps because even I don't want to know what will happen to the future if you and Loki are unleashed upon it?" Loki snickered, leaning against the root of Yggdrasil.

"A population boom?" Thor gave him a stern frown, but Freyr was paying more attention to Skuld, his face now angelically innocent in ways only a fertility god's could be.

"But Thor will be there to keep us in line… I'm sure he'll make certain we don't do anything untoward."

"At least, if he loves his balls he will," Loki added, cheerfully pitching in the sarcasm since no one was listening. Skuld glared between the two, then sighed.

"I suppose I have no choice." She sounded very prim and proper, but the undercurrent of anger left no one in any doubt that she would shortly be speaking to Odin about getting one. She raised her arms, then paused, giving Freyr a quick frown.

"You must change into mortal clothing as well. And swear to cause no disturbances!" Freyr gave her his best smile.

"I swear I won't cause any trouble." The norn of the future let out an unladylike snort.

"And pigs will fly." This, of course, sparked an idea in the back of Loki's mind to invent a pig-a-pult. Maybe later he would have the time.

XXXX

When Freyr was all gussied up to Skuld's satisfaction, the boys were finally on their way back to the future of Earth. The trip was a little rockier this time, probably because Skuld was pissed right the fuck off.

Freyr, who hadn't travelled in time before, stumbled a little as they landed, but Thor steadied him with a slight frown. He wasn't entirely sure he approved of the fertility god's presence. Loki was bad enough when he was just hanging out with Thor, when Freyr was around he seemed to want to show off more. And Freyr only encouraged him.

It was too late now though, as here they were. Freyr was looking around with interest, as impressed by the modern world as Thor and Loki had been on their first visit. It was a far cry even from Asgard. As the veterans of this strange world, Thor and Loki tried not to look too impressed themselves. After all, they had already seen it once.

Not wanting to play "watch the cars" this time, Thor took Freyr's shoulder and turned him away from the road. Admittedly, they were far more impressive when they went thundering past at speeds even Sleipnir would envy. There were more important matters now though, the first being that no one had any idea of where to go to buy fireworks. The only certainty they had was that it wouldn't be Ikea.

Fortunately, a passing group of mortal girls seemed to have the same idea in mind. At least, one of them did.

"Come on guys, I swear I won't pull an AJ and burn down a church!"

"I don't trust you with fireworks!"

"Yeah, not since you tried to light them by pointing them at each other."

"That would have worked if I hadn't missed!" Freyr and Loki looked after the departing group with interest. Loki was debating sifting their minds to find out if they knew where to buy fireworks, but after hearing that conversation following them looked to be a far more promising idea. He had already gotten one totally awesome idea from them.

Thor, who definitely did not agree about the awesome factor of this particular idea, saw a sign for a store calling itself the Beer Store along the same street the girls were currently walking down. He was quite content to be following them. He was even more content when the three entered the Beer Store.

Freyr was quite happy too, even if this store didn't have fireworks. Even Loki didn't mind the diversion from their explosive mission, as long as it involved sufficient quantities of mead. The inside of the Beer Store therefore came as something of a surprise.

It wasn't just beer in there, not by a long shot. The walls were lined with fridges and shelves housing almost every kind of alcohol known to man. This dwarfed the kinds of alcohol known to the gods, who had never heard of anything other than mead and beer.

The store sold mead too. It was just that mead was one of the least potent drinks available. The young women they were tailing had gone straight to the section that housed something called vodka. Curious, Freyr picked up a bottle only to discover that it was something called 50 percent.

He found some mead on the other side of the store to compare to. The mead was only 8 to 10 percent, at best. Not sure what this meant but pretty sure it had something to do with the alcohol content from an overheard conversation, Freyr secreted the vodka about his person. This warranted further investigation.

Thor was busily examining the beer and mead, but Loki also appeared to have appropriated some vodka, as well as some rum, whisky, gin and a few of the coolers that the girls appeared to be buying. Seeing that he wasn't the only one lightening the stores load, Freyr decided that he didn't want to be out done. Therefore he liberated some tequila.

Their unknowing guides didn't seem to have any reservations about loudly critiquing and commenting on everything they happened to see, and from this Freyr gathered that tequila was apparently close to something called gasoline. However, it did promise to "fuck you up". This sounded promising to the fertility god.

The three girls lingered for quite a while in the liquor store, alternately debating the merits of the various types of alcohol which surrounded them and trying to talk the third of their number, a redhead with a devious grin to rival Loki's, out of buying fireworks.

She refused to be deterred, and occasionally the second girl, whose blue hair was shading to green as the dye washed out, changed sides and seemed fully behind the firework buying enterprise. These two noticed the gods' presence immediately, and wasted no time in pointing it out to their friend, a short black haired girl with glasses.

They weren't particularly subtle as they checked the men out, but then again Freyr himself was being remarkably unsubtle about trying to get a look down any one of three shirts at any opportunity. He had a reputation to maintain after all. Loki barely appeared to have noticed that they were female, as he was far more interested in the contents of the store's various shelves and boxes.

As far as Thor was concerned, the rest of the world didn't exist. He was in beer heaven. It was actually a little tricky to convince him to leave as the girls paid, and continued on their quest for high explosives. Because that's totally the best combination known to man. Booze and fireworks. Nothing could possibly go wrong.

Fortunately a few of the store's employees were starting to give Thor concerned looks, as he seemed to be giving serious thought to the idea of just taking the entire wall and getting drunk off his ass. The hell with a quest that he seemed to be the only sane member of.

The threat of Skuld violently and inexpertly removing his testicles with her bare hands seemed to be enough to persuade him to move though, and as they passed her Freyr gave the girl on the check out such a blindingly bright smile that she didn't even notice when the beepers went off.

XXXX

Out on the street again, Loki placated Thor by giving him a few cans of beer which he had "rescued" specifically for the thunder god. After tasting them and deciding that the girls were right, "American" beer was the stuff they washed the kegs out with, they calmed down and began to follow the women again.

A few brief deviations into stores with shiny or interesting window displays later and they finally found a store which sold fireworks. Like Ikea it significantly resembled a warehouse, although a far smaller one which even Loki wouldn't dare throw a match into. Large letters on the front of the building identified itself as .

The boys spent a moment outside, debating on what an appropriate name this was for a fireworks store before entering. It didn't matter much, as they found the girls again just inside the store. The redhead had stopped, and was staring around her as if she had just entered Valhalla.

"It's… it's beautiful." Her two friends rolled their eyes, but Loki and Freyr could only agree as they looked around at the multitude of devastation this building promised. Having decided that the redhead was clearly the one to ask about fireworks, Loki dived into her mind and was vaguely surprised to realise that this was the same girl he had sifted knowledge from in Ikea. That was certainly an odd coincidence.

It didn't matter though, as at that moment her mind was full of nothing but explosions of light and fire, and the best possible ways to achieve them. Looking through the knowledge gained this time took a lot longer than it had to even learn the language, mostly because Loki found himself easily distracted. So many things promising such wonderful results… it was hard to choose.

Freyr was already flitting around the shelves, having decided that it would be easier to just read the boxes than to wait for Loki to do his mind rape thing. Unfortunately he was coming across the same language barrier as Loki and Thor initially had. He couldn't read anything.

Not to be daunted by this, he simply pulled Thor over to a shelf and began to load the thunder god's arms with anything that looked remotely interesting. It was a good thing Thor was stronger than the majority of pack animals in the known world.

Having gained more than enough knowledge, Loki soon joined them, glancing at the growing pile in Thor's arms. He put a few items back on the shelves, grabbed several more copies of others, and joined Freyr in hunting down anything interesting.

Thor soon found it easier to simply stand in the middle of one of the aisles and let the two come to him, rather than to follow either one of them around and put up with the bitching of the other. He was a little disgruntled to be a pack mule again, but really, this time he hadn't expected anything else.

It got a little past the point of ridiculousness even for him though, and a lot of the mortals were beginning to give him odd looks, so he found himself a shopping cart. It groaned under the weight of all the fireworks Freyr and Loki had chosen. Really, it might be a little quicker to just buy the entire store; the Aesir could almost definitely afford it.

Freyr and Loki were all about cutting costs on this trip though, as after they had filled three trolleys almost to the point of breaking, they simply walked out of the store without paying. This struck Thor as quite immoral, and probably counted as causing trouble. However, no one noticed them leave.

Not because Loki had set anything on fire this time, he was rather attached to his balls and didn't want Skuld tearing them off. No, this time the distraction came in the form of Freyr, who decided that since fire was out of the question, a little indoor rain would be nice.

Normally this would have been extremely difficult, even for the god of weather, but luckily the mortals had provided an ingenious system of pipes and sprinklers along the ceiling. With their own purchases protected by magic, the gods left the store to some very loud swearing from the employees, and very creative curses from the three girls they had originally followed in.

XXXX

Skuld had still been very angry with Freyr when they returned for setting off the sprinkler system, but since it turned out to have been a plausible occurrence on its own, she couldn't castrate him.

The fertility god was understandably relieved to hear this, and fled with Thor and Loki at the first possible opportunity. They now faced a minor conundrum. They hard large amounts of booze, and large amounts of fireworks. The question was, should they consume the booze before or after setting up the fireworks? Smart, sensible people would say after. Smart, sensible people never do anything fun.

Since it would be a long time before night fell and they could set up a truly spectacular fireworks display, the boys decided to start with the tequila.

XXXXX

HK: I'd like to remind the… two… readers that if you have any requests for the disclaimers, you only have to ask! Be as adventurous as you like, because as long as I can blame you, I'll do anything. :P Don't forget to leave a review!


	4. 04 Tequila and Real Fireworks

HK: This fic is such fun to write… even better when I'm watching Sherlock as I update! XD Also, Tom Hiddleston has a beautiful singing voice. 0.o There's a clip on youtube of him singing "Pure Imagination" from Willy Wonka at Comic Con. Did I mention that I'm SO going to that next year? And HA! I've worked out who I can use for disclaimers with no repercussions!

Disclaimer: Thialfi: (looks around nervously) I'm… in a tutu. I'm in a tutu. Why am I in a tutu?  
>HK: (shrugs) You're just so easy to abuse. Do a pretty twirl for the nice reviewers!<br>Thialfi: No! Why am I in a tutu! Isn't this usually Loki's thing?  
>HK: Only when I'm in the mood. Now disclaim me or it's a stripper pole next time!<br>Thialfi: Fine! You don't own anything! Happy?

WARNINGS! Alcohol in large and silly quantities. Mostly naked men wrestling in a stream… :3 You'll find out who later. My slashy, slashy mind having a wonderful time. Oh, and crack. Worse crack than ever before. Don't eat me!

XXXXX

Loki took a swig of tequila, almost immediately spitting it out again.

"That's disgusting!" Freyr snickered, sprawling on the grass in the clearing the home made fireworks had been lit from. They had decided that here was as good a place as any, and since they had nothing that they actually wanted to do (the hell with Baldur and his furniture) they decided to wait there.

The fertility god reached out to take the bottle, and Loki gladly passed it over.

"It can't be that bad." He took a drink, then pulled an utterly disgusted face. Loki snickered, leaning back as well.

"Want to bet?" Freyr shuddered, holding out the bottle for Thor.

"That was utterly repugnant." Thor gave him an incredulous look.

"You really think I'm taking that?"

"He's showing intelligence," Loki commented, already looking through the rest of the pile of booze for something less gross. Thor gave him a disparaging look.

"Try not to sound so surprised." Freyr shrugged, putting the bottle of tequila down on the grass between him and Thor.

"Fine. I suppose if Thor doesn't think he's man enough to at least try the tequila…" The thunder god gave him an impressive glower, snatching the tequila bottle and opening it again. Loki looked slightly impressed, leaning closer to Freyr as Thor wrestled with the lid.

"I never realised you were so manipulative, Freyr." The fertility god tipped him a wink.

"No one is meant to." In the meantime, Thor had finally yanked the top off of the bottle and taken a cautious gulp. He took another, then frowned in surprise at Loki and Freyr.

"It does not taste bad. It is strong, but pleasant enough." The other two stared incredulously at him.

"Are you serious?"

"It was horrible!" Thor shrugged, taking another gulp.

"You can't blame me if you aren't man enough to enjoy such a drink." His companions exchanged looks, then Loki sighed, sitting up to snatch the tequila bottle. Screwing his face up against the taste, he took another large gulp. He caught Freyr snickering at him, and glared.

"Not that I care whether or not Thor thinks I'm a man…" Freyr snickered, poking through the pile of booze himself now.

"Good thing too really…" Loki drew himself up, glaring over.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Freyr gave him his sweetest smile.

"You're an adorable little flower, Loki." Loki threw a handful of grass at him, and Thor laughed.

"Loki is no flower, Freyr… he's more like a woodland rabbit. Easily startled." Loki shot him a fierce glare too, but by now both of the others were laughing too hard to pay any attention. He folded his arms, scowling at both of them. Freyr noticed, and laughed harder.

"Don't pout so Loki! I'll feel bad… for offending such a delicate… maiden!" Loki's frown darkened, but then an evil grin crossed his face. Grabbing the tequila bottle, he tackled Freyr, sloshing alcohol everywhere as he tried to pour it into Freyr's mouth.

The fertility god fought back, but he couldn't laugh anymore because that would involve opening his mouth. Thor stopped the fight only when he noticed that they were spilling his tequila all over the place. He lifted Loki bodily by the back of his shirt, snatching the tequila from his hand and chugging it.

Loki tried weakly to escape a few times, then gave up and hung there sullenly. Freyr, panting a little from the wrestling and minor drowning, took one look at him and was about to burst out laughing again, when he remembered what happened the last time.

But Thor had finished the tequila. So Freyr laughed openly as Thor turned to Loki, a little surprised to feel slightly tipsy already.

"Are you going to attack Freyr again?" Loki scowled down at the cackling fertility god.

"Possibly." Thor shook him, and then asked again. Loki, dizzy from repeated shaking, gave in and promised not to attack Freyr.

Thor released him, and he promptly launched himself at Freyr again, actually getting his friend in a rather competent head lock before Thor gave up and poured the contents of a bottle of vodka on their heads.

Shaking alcohol from their eyes, Loki and Freyr exchanged glances. If Thor were a smarter man, he might have realised what they were planning.

Unfortunately for him, Thor had long honed every muscle to perfection except for the one that mattered. He was therefore completely surprised when both Loki and Freyr dived at him, trying to knock him over.

Of course, he was by no means off guard. And even having drunk most of the tequila, which was four times more potent than the mead he usually drank, he was easily able to fend off his friends. However, this was far more his area of expertise, so occasionally he would allow one of them to grapple for a while.

Loki, being far more the intellectual type, soon grew bored of the rough and tumble (especially since Thor wasn't giving him any opportunities to grab his ass and Freyr was such an easy target anyway that he removed all the fun).

Instead, the trickster settled himself in the grass again, beside the stack of booze and cast a quick spell to cool it all. This done, he selected a neon orange "cooler" for himself and took a drink.

His eyes widened at the pleasurable taste, and he was too busy examining this strange new drink to pay any attention to what his friends were doing. So he was caught completely off guard when Thor finally managed to catch the more slippery Freyr, and throw him bodily in Loki's direction.

Apparently Thor hadn't noticed Loki getting bored and wandering off. Luckily Loki's reflexes were fast, and he managed to catch both Freyr and himself with magic before they hit the ground.

The two gods righted themselves, and as Thor moved over Freyr raised both hands, grinning.

"I surrender! No more, my friend, you win." Loki rolled his eyes, a little annoyed that most of his cooler had been spilt in the fall.

"As if that was ever in any doubt." Noticing Loki's sullenness, Freyr followed his gaze to the bottle in his hand.

"What's that, Loki?" Loki sighed, handing the remainder of the drink to Freyr and going back to the pile to get another.

"Just try it, Frey, you know you will anyway." Freyr shrugged, knowing that Loki was right as usual, and took a sip. A wide smile crossed his face.

"That's more like it. I worried that all of these mortal drinks would be as bad as the tequila, but this is deliciously sweet!" Thor, who had also known all along that he would win and was a little sad to have to stop wrestling, frowned and looked over.

"May I try it?" Freyr handed it over, smiling.

"You may find it a little sweet for your liking, Thor, but at least it doesn't taste of poison." Loki sat back on the grass, another orange cooler in hand. Freyr gave him his best kicked puppy look and the trickster sighed, going back to the pile and pulling out the six pack of drinks. He passed it to Freyr reluctantly.

Freyr brightened up at once, pulling one of his own from the box. He cracked it open and flopped to the ground beside Loki, chugging most of it in one. Thor was taking his own sip of Loki's decimated cooler now, and he gave it an odd look.

"This drink is… very sweet." Loki shrugged, still a little sullen over the loss of what were turning out to be quite small quantities of alcohol.

"Obviously. That's why I like it." He snapped his head around to glare at Freyr, who was grinning widely and had his mouth open to talk. "And if you dare say another word about me not being a man, I'll feed you the bottle!"

Freyr paused, considered the validity of the threat, and shut his mouth. Loki could be a little touchy at times. Especially when it came to his manhood. It was kind of understandable in a way. Thor was still giving the remainders of his cooler an odd look.

"It is… alright. But I believe the women will prefer this beverage." Both of the others paused, turning to give him chilly looks.

"Not everyone prefers to drink something that tastes like it came out of a dwarf's forge Thor."

"There's more alcohol in that bottle than there is in a barrel of mead, Thor, I doubt that the women could handle it." Loki paused, turning to Freyr with an eyebrow raised.

"Really?" Freyr nodded, reaching into the pile of alcohol to pull out one of the cans of mead they had brought for comparison with their own.

"Have a look for yourself. The humans have begun to mark the alcohol content of their drinks." Thor frowned in confusion down at his bottle.

"Why would they do such a thing?" Loki, the only one who could actually read the language, soon understood what even Freyr, who had just looked at the numbers, had missed. He burst out laughing.

"It's true, Thor, this drink is far more alcoholic than our own mead! And it comes with a warning… may contain traces of alcohol." The other two stared at him for a moment, apparently unsure if he was joking, then Freyr snorted.

"I bloody well hope it contains alcohol! Why else would we buy it?" Thor raised an eyebrow, but even he was smirking.

"You didn't buy anything." Freyr shrugged, completely unembarrassed.

"Yeah, but some humans do. They wouldn't bother if it didn't have alcohol." Loki shrugged, opening his third cooler. There were only two left, but after Thor's reaction he didn't figure the thunder god would be interested in another one.

Sure enough, Thor sat back on the ground, grabbing the nearest bottle from the pile. He scrutinised it for a while, then turned to Loki.

"What is this?" Used to the question (having been asked it every two minutes in the Beer Store), Loki glanced over.

"Rum. It's supposed to be quite strong. And something about steeping hot peppers in it?" Freyr gave him an odd look.

"What are you talking about?" Loki shrugged, taking another gulp of his cooler.

"That weird girl we followed to the fireworks store." Thor raised an eyebrow at him.

"You're going to have to be more specific." A slight smile curled the trickster's lips.

"True. Alright, the one with red hair. It was the second time I drained her mind, and I seem to have gotten more than I wanted both times. It's quite chaotic." Thor and Freyr exchanged looks. They didn't do magic as a rule, and so had no idea what Loki was talking about.

Even the idea of assimilating someone else's knowledge and thoughts into your own mind sounded too chaotic to bother with already. Since Loki, who did it as often as he wanted, was complaining, it must be really bad. Not worth worrying about though, as both assumed that their friend could handle it.

They drank in silence for a while, then Freyr asked something that had been nagging at him.

"What are hot peppers?" Loki shrugged hopelessly.

"No idea. There's just something about steeping 21 of them in rum to summon someone called Sam." Another brief pause, then Freyr grinned.

"Wanna try it and find out?" A sly smile crossed Loki's face as well, then he stopped. There was only one flaw in this plan.

"But we don't know what hot peppers are." Freyr's grin widened, and became innocent to the point of high suspicion.

"Then we'll just have to take another trip to Midgard to find out." The smile returned to Loki's lips.

"Clearly we have no choice." Thor rolled his eyes, already opening the rum. He had no intention of going on another quest to be a pack mule, especially since he neither knew nor cared who this "Sam" was.

"Count me out." He took a gulp of rum and broke into a coughing fit. When he had recovered, Freyr and Loki were staring at him like he had just burst into flames. Cautiously, Freyr reached out a hand to him.

"Are you… alright, Thor?" Thor gave the bottle in his hand a brief, suspicious glare.

"It is very strong." Freyr and Loki looked at Thor again, then at the bottle in his hand. Freyr raised his hands in unequivocal surrender.

"If even Thor thinks it's too strong, I'm not touching it." Thor looked almost offended.

"I never said I didn't like it." He took another long gulp. Loki was staring at him like he was insane again, but that tended to happen almost as often as the reverse so it was okay.

"You all but choked on it, Thor. Why are you drinking more?" Thor lowered the bottle again, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand.

"I am fine. I was just surprised by the sensation. Would you like to try some?" Freyr leaned back and away from his outstretched hand, not caring how it made him look. Loki glanced at Freyr, then at Thor. He sighed and took the bottle.

"I may as well." Freyr shuddered, taking another sip of his cooler.

"You must be a masochist Loki. If Thor is choking on it, it will kill you." The trickster gave him a highly offended glare.

"I hope you aren't implying that I can't handle anything Thor can." He steeled himself visibly, then took a long gulp. He paused, glanced at the bottle, and shrugged. "It seems fine to me."

Freyr raised a disbelieving brow. Loki noticed and shrugged. "I'm not kidding. It's a little strong, but nicely warming. Would you like to try some?" Freyr continued to watch him suspiciously for a while. Eventually he gave up, taking the bottle.

"At least if it's as bad as the tequila I'll have the cooler to wash it down." Loki shrugged, finishing his own cooler.

"I doubt you'll need it." Freyr took a gulp of the rum, and a vicious grin crossed Loki's face. The fertility god looked like he was going to throw up. He spat the rum out, glaring at Loki as Thor took the bottle before he could spill it.

"I hate you." Loki gave him a sweet smile.

"Why ever would you say such a cruel thing, dear Freyr? After all, I'm just a delicate maiden. Surely if I can handle the rum you can?" Freyr wiped his mouth on his sleeve, still glaring at Loki.

"Alright, I take it back. You're definitely a man. Only a man could be such a dick." Loki's poison sweet smile suddenly formed into a more genuine, happy smile.

"So glad you think so, Frey. I'd hate to have to prove it to you." Freyr shrugged, taking a long gulp of his cooler to remove the cloying taste of the rum.

"I'll pass, thanks Loki. I'm exclusively for the ladies I'm afraid." Loki snickered, taking the rum back from Thor for another large gulp.

"I never thought I'd see a Vanir be closed minded about the pleasures of the flesh." Freyr lay back until he was looking straight up at the blue, cloudless sky. Still so many hours until sun down.

"Not closed minded. I just have no interest in the male body. I'd expect you to respect that, if you ever respected anything." The trickster chuckled, lying back comfortably as well.

"I respect plenty of things, Freyr. I just don't believe in limiting my options. Besides, don't deny you've wondered what it feels like from the woman's side." Freyr glanced sideways at him, too lazy to raise his  
>head.<p>

"Why wonder when I can just ask you?" Loki shot him a glare, but Thor, who wasn't a fan of talking about sex with any men (least of all Loki and bloody Freyr!), cut him off.

"Can we talk of other things, or at least enjoy the peace?" Forgetting Freyr's minor barb completely, Loki raised himself on his elbows to grin at Thor.

"Do we make you uncomfortable Thor? I've often wondered why the Aesir seem to have so many taboos against fun. It's completely harmless, so why does your father seem to fear it so?" Thor scowled at him, leaning against the trunk of a tree.

"Because not everyone shares your perversion, Loki. Love should only be between a man and his wife." Freyr waved a hand vaguely at them.

"Here here." Loki shot him another glare.

"And that wife shouldn't be your twin sister." Thor nodded, but Freyr merely stretched.

"Why does that matter, as long as the children turn out okay? Freya and I turned out fine." Loki snickered, settling himself more comfortably in the grass.

"I wouldn't argue that you're a fine man Freyr, but your sister on the other hand…" Freyr leaned up on his elbows, frowning at Loki.

"Hey, that's my twin you're talking about." The trickster snickered again, letting his eyes fall shut.

"And your wife. What are you going to do about it?" Freyr considered this for a moment, then let himself fall back to the ground.

"Fuck it. Too much like work to fight with you. Pass me another cooler?" Without bothering to open his eyes, Loki groped blindly in the dirt until he found the case, which he tossed in Freyr's direction. The fertility god caught it, and twisted open another bottle.

They were settling into a comfortable silence, possibly even drifting off to sleep in Loki's case. But Thor had something on his mind.

"Freyr… why is it that you have no children?" Loki paused, actually opening his eyes and sitting up.

"That's a good point… you and Freya were married for how long? And I know for a fact you've had many other lovers. You get along well with everyone else's kids. Why don't you have any children?" Freyr sat up as well, looking uncomfortable.

"Well… Look, you have to promise not to laugh, okay?" Thor and Loki both swore solemn vows, and the fertility god sighed. "Alright… the thing is, I can't get women pregnant. I'm shooting blanks." Loki's jaw dropped so fast Freyr was surprised it didn't hit the grass. Thor took a moment longer to get it, but Loki helped him.

"You're… infertile? But you're a fertility god! How the fuck could you be infertile!" Thor looked startled and disturbed by this revelation as well. Freyr shrugged, not meeting either of their eyes.

"A cruel joke on the part of the norns? All I know is, no woman can get pregnant from my seed. I'm not entirely convinced it's a bad thing; it means I can sleep around with impunity at least. There are no consequences to my actions." Loki, who was extremely fertile and tended to leave a trail of children wherever his fancy took him, simply shrugged.

"If you say so." Thor wasn't good with words, and knew it, so he simply remained quiet and trusted Loki to deal with this. He had no idea what to say to Freyr, no way to let his friend know that he wouldn't think any less of him.

Fortunately Loki was always infinitely better at those kinds of things. Even now a diabolical grin was crossing the trickster's face. "So does this mean that when we go wenching on Midgard you aren't going to need me to cast that stupid charm on you anymore?"

Freyr shrugged, a small smile creeping onto his face. He should have known that of anyone, Loki and Thor were the least likely to care about his deficiency.

"Yeah. I never needed it anyway, I just didn't want to have to tell you that." Loki rolled his eyes, grinning.

"You could have mentioned earlier, asshole, the charm isn't easy!" Freyr snickered, relaxing again.

"Well, I wouldn't want you to feel useless now would I?" Loki threw a handful of grass at him again, but this time in jest. Freyr responded in kind, and soon the two gods were ripping up handfuls of turf for a grass fight. Thor watched with amusement as his friends battled, at least until a lump of mud pulled lose by an unexpectedly rough yank on the grass hit him.

"Hey! Watch it!" Freyr and Loki didn't notice, as having run out of grass in the immediate vicinity they had jumped on each other and began to wrestle. A little disgruntled now, Thor didn't bother to intervene… until they physically rolled over him where he was sitting. At that point he really didn't have much choice but to join in.

XXXX

Somehow, no one was sure how, the boys lost the majority of their clothing during the fight. Thor couldn't be asked to get to his feet to kick their asses, so the three just rolled around on the ground, each trying to get on top of the other.

As if that wasn't gay enough, gradually shirts got tugged over each other's heads until all three were shirtless. Pants took a little longer, but gradually the boys were down to their underwear. They were also getting dangerously close to the small stream which ran through one end of the clearing.

Freyr, who happened to be winning just long enough to notice how close they were getting, declared the entire situation far too gay. He managed to remove himself from the pile up by simple dint of rolling away when Loki tackled him, and set about finding his clothes. They were a little messy and a little ripped, but still worked well enough.

Thor and Loki didn't seem to notice that he was missing. At least, Loki didn't. He was entirely too focused on trying to knock Thor into the water. Thor seemed a little confused that he was only wrestling with one smaller god rather than two, but then Loki shape shifted until they were almost the same size and Thor actually had to try.

Freyr actually paused in his dressing to watch as they teetered on the edge of the stream. He was really, really tempted to go over there and just give Thor a kick… Despite the extreme homoeroticism of the situation, he couldn't help but laugh as Loki finally managed to straddle Thor and roll the pair of them into the water.

The wrestling pair didn't seem to notice him, so he settled back comfortably in the grass with another cooler to watch them fight. They were apparently so absorbed in the conflict that they didn't notice Odin riding into the clearing.

Freyr glanced over, but didn't bother to get up. Instead he just waved his cooler at the Allfather, who seemed to be transfixed and disturbed by the sight of his son in the stream.

"What are they doing?" Freyr shrugged, patting the grass behind him.

"Wrestling. It started out as a grass fight, but then we ran out of grass." Odin actually looked at him for the first time, looking suspicious.

"You did not… fall under any kind of spell while in Midgard, did you?" Freyr took another long gulp of his cooler, which was making him feel pleasantly tingly.

"Nah, I don't think they even do magic there anymore. We got what we came for though, and some alcohol." Odin frowned, confused.

"So why have you not yet informed me? We all wish to see the Midgard version of these fireworks." Freyr shrugged, leaning back against the stump of a tree.

"We figured it would be better to wait until night fall. The fireworks will be much more spectacular in the darkness." Odin nodded slowly, now deliberately trying not to look at the stream where the two gods were fighting.

"Very well… after night fall, I shall instruct our people to wait outside for your show. When do you think you'll be ready?" Freyr shrugged, looking over at the fireworks lined up by the edge of the clearing.

"Probably not too long after sunset. We're just killing time until then." The Allfather nodded again, glancing back at the stream. Thor had once again taken the upper hand in the wrestling match, but Loki was now shape shifting so fast it was hard for Thor to keep hold of him. Odin shook his head, smiling to himself.

"If I didn't know better, I would believe Loki was a part of your generation, not mine. Very well, I will go and await sun down." He turned, riding out of the clearing. Freyr shrugged, chugging the rest of his cooler and picking another bottle from the pile at random.

He still couldn't read the label (probably have to ask Loki to teach him how to read eventually… damn it), but he found the little number that told him how alcoholic it was. It said 50. Probably the strongest thing in there by far.

Freyr grinned. That was more like it! He twisted the bottle open, and took a cheerful gulp. It burned down his throat, but he liked it. It was far stronger and more pungent than even the rum had been, probably because it was more alcoholic.

He didn't mind all that much though. It made him feel warm inside.

He settled back more comfortably to watch Loki and Thor wrestle in the stream. Thor was beginning to get annoyed now, and pushed Loki back onto the bank of the river to try and stop his shape changing.

Loki retook his usual form almost at once as Thor climbed out of the river and sat on him. He was laughing, although rather breathlessly now because Thor wasn't exactly light.

"Alright, alright, I surrender!" Freyr chuckled, taking a deep gulp of his new bottle.

"Don't stop now, Loki, I thought you liked having a man on top of you?" Twisting his head to bring the fertility god into view, and apparently realising that he was there for the first time in a while, Loki grinned at him, despite the fact that his face was now rather red.

"I was thinking… about your delicate sensibilities, Frey. I know you don't like… more bohemian interests." Thor looked a little disturbed, and climbed off Loki straight away.

The trickster tried not to pout at this, but luckily he was busy laughing too hard to have to hide it. Freyr couldn't resist joining in as well, particularly at the uncomfortable look on Thor's face. Thor scowled at them both briefly, but soon gave in and smiled as well.

The two rejoined Freyr by the booze, Loki looking interestedly at the bottle in Freyr's hands. "What's that then?" Freyr shrugged, taking another large gulp before passing it over.

"No idea. But it tastes like fire." The interest on Loki's face practically exploded, and he didn't even bother to glance at the label before taking a large gulp. He coughed a couple of times, massaging his throat, and stared at the bottle. His voice was a little hoarse when he spoke.

"That's… strong." Freyr snickered, giving up on reclaiming his bottle for the foreseeable future. Not that he minded all that much…

"Strongest stuff in the pile." Loki's eyebrows rose, and he took another, more thoughtful gulp. He swallowed it quickly, sticking out his tongue.

"Not good to let it sit in your mouth." Thor reached over, taking the bottle from Loki.

"Why not?" He took a drink of his own, and his eyes widened. "I understand." Freyr snickered again.

"Thought you might. Can I have that back?" Thor obliged and Loki's face broke into a grin.

"How about we play a game?" Thor snorted, settling comfortably into the grass.

"We are not children, Loki. Why should we play games?" Loki raised an eyebrow at him.

"You mean like when we were wrestling in the stream?" At this point, Thor seemed to realise that he was nearly naked. He couldn't be asked to dive for his clothes, but instead decided it would be easier to sit there in his underwear.

"That was different."

"How?" Thor paused, apparently thinking through a far more difficult process. He soon gave up.

"Because it was." The trickster rolled his eyes, but grinned anyway.

"I'll take your word for it. But I'm referring to a different kind of game. A drinking game." Freyr sat up and looked a little more interested.

"A drinking game? How would that work?" Loki chuckled and took the bottle back.

"Well first we need some alcohol." Freyr waved his hand expansively at the pile of booze.

"I think we have that covered."

"We also need some cups, but I think I have that covered." He waved his own hands, forming six cups from thin air. Thor rolled his eyes and took one of them.

"Very impressive. As always. Now get to the point." Loki shrugged, resting the rest of the cups on the stump Freyr had been leaning on.

"We're going to need a small round ball as well. Preferably one that bounces." Thor looked around to see if there was one in the vicinity, but Freyr just poked Loki.

"What are you waiting for then?" He grinned, picking up a rock and tossing it up and down in his hand. When he caught it again, it was a perfectly round ball.

"What you have to do is bounce the ball on the stump so that it lands in one of the cups. We'll have one each, and if I get the ball in Freyr's cup, he has to take a drink. Same with if I get it in Thor's cup, and if I get it in my own cup I have to take two drinks. We keep playing until two of us have given up." Freyr raised an eyebrow.

"That could take a while." He received a grin from the trickster.

"So?" He was unable to stop himself from grinning back.

"Fair point. Who goes first?" In answer Loki bounced the little ball off the stump into one of the cups. It landed in the one closest to him, and he groaned. Grabbing another one, he filled it from the bottle they had been passing around the most recently. He chugged it easily, realised he had no idea what he was drinking, and looked at the label.

"By the way, we're drinking vodka." The name struck something in his borrowed memories. Apparently the mortal liked vodka. Although it was better when you "mixed the crap out of it". Freyr glanced at the bottle in vague curiosity, because the name meant nothing to him.

"So?" Loki shrugged, and a new fact emerged from his borrowed memories.

"Apparently it's Russian for water?" There was a brief pause while the other two considered this. Freyr found his voice first.

"Huh. Russians have strange ideas about water." Loki shrugged again, a little confused about the information himself.

"No argument here." He plucked the ball from his cup and tossed it to Freyr. "Your turn." Freyr nodded, focusing on the cups.

"Alright…" He tossed the little ball, which bounced on the stump and knocked over the cup closest to Thor. Both gods turned to Loki.

"What happens now?" Loki frowned, searching his borrowed memories.

"I think Freyr drinks… but only one cup." Freyr shrugged, taking the fourth cup from the stump and waving it at Loki.

"Fill me up." About to argue, the trickster decided what the fuck, he may as well be the bar man. Maybe try some mixing while he was at it. He filled Freyr's cup, and the fertility god chugged it quickly.

In all honesty they were probably dating alcohol poisoning, drinking so many different kinds of alcohol so fast on empty stomachs. But they're gods, so they'll probably be okay. I hope. It would suck if they died before the end of the story…

As the fourth wall regrew from the shattered remnants of the author's ruminations, Thor was busy hunting in the grass to find the ball. He eventually recovered it at the foot of the stump, and the game continued.

Thor's first shot wasn't any better than Loki or Freyr's; he threw the ball too hard and it bounced over the cups and off the stump. Loki gave him a dirty look as he poured Thor a glass of vodka, and pulled a new ball from thin air rather than trying to find the old one.

The old one, it later turned out, was embedded in a tree at the edge of the clearing. Given that each failure meant pouring more alcohol into their systems, and Loki was taking the time while the others went to mix up various drinks from the pile and try them, it perhaps wasn't surprised that their skill travelled in a bell curve rather than the usual rise.

After a few throws they all gradually grew better, until all three could hit, if not the cup they were aiming for, at least not their own. Freyr and Loki found it significantly easier than Thor, who still had an unfortunate tendency to overshoot or throw too hard.

Of course, since the big ox could easily out drink them on a regular day, they soon ganged up on him, both aiming directly for his cup.

Of course, just because Thor was now drinking twice as much as them in the game didn't mean Loki or Freyr were slacking. No, they were quite happily tasting everything Loki could find to mix with the vodka.

Mixing it with the coolers, which already contained vodka in some cases, was soon a firm favourite. Of course, since this alcohol was literally several times stronger than anything they were used to, it took a lot less time for the effects of inebriation to sink in.

Before long the gods were, if not drunk, at least tipsy enough to throw hand-eye coordination out the window. When they lost their sixth ball from an overshoot of Thor's, and the seventh turned itself into a cube, they gave up on vodka pong.

None of the other drinking games Loki could remember would be possible without another trip to Midgard (when they realised this, Thor had surged determinedly to his feet to set out, and fallen head long over the root of a tree).

Shot for Shot would be doable, but Loki got the distinct feeling that they would get bored long before anyone passed out. He didn't even want to think about suggesting "I Never" for fear of being labelled a girl even more than usual.

Not that they could bring themselves to sit around and do nothing, they were way too easily bored for that. Of course, they could always set up the fireworks… that could only lead to disaster and hilarity.

XXXX

By the time the sun was setting, the boys were almost sober again. This wasn't because they had run out of alcohol; far from it, there was still a large pile in the middle of the clearing. No, the boys were sobering up again because Odin had come across them earlier in the day while they were trying to set up the fireworks.

Despite the fact that they were gods, and therefore just a smidgen harder to kill than mortals, and despite not knowing the explicit dangers fireworks entailed, the Allfather could still see that it was a rather stupid idea to put them in your mouth.

The subsequent yelling and threatened confiscation of the booze was met with resistance, but in the end the boys had no choice but to sober up before trying to set up the fireworks. Now night was falling, and in the distance they could hear the citizens of Asgard filling the streets. Loki glanced over at Freyr, who was happily rigging a string to set the fireworks off one after another.

"Nearly ready?" The fertility god winced a little, as he was nursing a baby hangover (he's gonna regret that when the explosions start), but nodded.

"Yup. You just need to light it." Thor, who had drunk the most and thus been hit the hardest, was sitting against a tree with another bottle of booze. It was something Loki had informed him was called gin, and apparently it was hotter even than the vodka.

Apparently the burning pain was distracting the thunder god from his headache. Loki had offered to fix up a remedy for both of his colleagues, but Freyr had quite wisely refused to let Loki near his health while under the influence.

This explained why Loki was a lot more chipper than either of his friends, as he had used magic on himself to erase the hangover. Luckily for him, the headache hadn't thrown off his aim and caused him to grow another head instead.

He hadn't actually told them that this was a possibility, but Freyr and Thor still refused to allow him to fix their headaches. It wasn't as though ALL of his hair had caught fire. Although he had needed to shift his eyebrows back on.

The trickster was now almost vibrating with excitement, as he was the only one who had any idea of what these fireworks would look like. He was looking forward to the roman candles especially, partially because the idea of a "fireworks fight" wouldn't leave him alone.

He was beginning to rather like the mortal he had stolen these memories from. He was also quite interested in trying what he had heard her arguing about with her friends: could you set off a firework by shooting another firework at it.

So when Freyr was done, as expected he conjured a fire. But instead of lighting the string Freyr had so carefully set up, he lit a roman candle. His friends looked at him oddly as it sizzled and popped, until a ball of green fire exploded from one end.

He nearly dropped it in surprise, but fortunately he managed to hold on to it and point it at the string. The second fireball, this one bright red, hit the string and immediately set it on fire. Loki stood back, watching eagerly, and jumped almost a foot in the air when a third fire ball slammed into the grass near his feet. Freyr jumped back as well, flinching with every bang.

"How many more times is that going to happen!" Loki shrugged, remembering to point it at the sky just before the next fire ball shot up into the air.

"No idea." Another brightly coloured ball shot into the air. Then the first of the fireworks joined it in the air, exploding in a flower of sparks. It was so beautiful that Freyr and Loki sank to the ground to watch as the rest of the fireworks flew into the sky.

Again they could hear the cheers going up from Asgard. It wasn't just the children this time. The cheer came from the entire city. Then the roman candle set the grass on fire.

XXXXX

HK: Yes, infertility is my explanation as to why the fertility god has no children. May I remind you that this is purely for the purpose of crack? I need someone to be a man whore with Loki after all. :P


	5. 05 Discovering Coffee and Bulk Barn

HK: So curiously enough, this chapter was written after a lot of the following chapters. It's a little short, but I happen to think it contains more than enough crack to make up for it. Enjoy! I blame this chapter entirely on KingBroseidon, my cohort in this and many other things. It's entirely based on a conversation we had one day while we were supposed to be working. Actually, most of the chapters in this fic started that way now that I think of it…

Disclaimer: Thialfi: (in a sparkly top hat and tuxedo) You know, you could also ask my sister to do this.  
>HK: That is entirely true.<br>Thialfi: Then why am I the only victim here!  
>HK: Roskva couldn't pull off the tux. Now quick, do a dance routine for our lovely readers!<br>Thialfi: No! You don't own me! You don't own anything!  
>HK: (pout) I suppose that counts as a disclaimer… one day you will dance for me!<p>

WARNINGS! The usual, foul language, ridiculous bull, and Loki growing tits. Yes, read that again, it does not say Loki becoming a woman. He's still a man. He just grew tits. (shrug) He does that.

XXXXX

The morning after the fireworks, Thor, Loki and Freyr woke up in the clearing. None of them had made it home after the show, instead just passing out where they sat. They were now covered in a fine film of dew.

Shivering, Loki conjured a fire and all three huddled around it to dry out. Thor finally recovered his clothing, laying it out to dry as he warmed himself before the fire. Freyr, the only person fully dressed, got up first.

"Well, that was fun. Let me know when we're going wenching?" Loki waved, his attention fully focused on the fire. Really, smarter people wouldn't have slept outside in their underwear. Smarter people wouldn't be half as much fun.

"Right. Sure. Good luck getting Skuld to agree with that one." Freyr flinched, already foreseeing great difficulty in this task.

"Thanks. I'm gonna need it. And you're gonna help." Loki turned away from the fire for a moment to grin at him.

"Of course. Later." Freyr nodded, waving back.

"Right. Are you gonna do Baldur's furniture any time soon?" Loki snorted derisively.

"I dunno. Has a wolf eaten the sun yet?" Freyr glanced up, grinning.

"Nope."

"Freya taken any chastity vows?" Freyr considered glaring at him, but decided not to bother.

"Not that I know of." Loki turned back to the fire.

"Then Baldur can go fuck a snake." Thor chuckled.

"I thought bestiality was your thing, Loki." The trickster gave him a vaguely hurt frown, and Thor clapped a hand on his shoulder a little harder than was nice. "I mean no offence, I'm only joking."

Freyr rolled his eyes and grinned, leaving the two to dry out their clothes. As if such a peaceful state of affairs could last.

XXXX

It took Loki all of twenty minutes to get bored again. He began pulling his still damp clothes back on as Thor watched in confusion.

"What is your hurry? It's not like Sigyn is going to be upset." Loki shrugged, pulling on his shirt.

"Yeah, but I'm bored, and I rather enjoyed the mortal food on Midgard. The alcohol was quite an interesting experience as well, and I'd like to see what else they have to offer." Thor sighed, grabbing his own clothing as well.

"Let me guess what comes next. "Come along Thor, come with me on my quest to eat everything on the planet and piss off everything in a thousand mile radius"." Loki paused halfway through tying up his pants to stare at Thor. Inevitably he soon found his tongue.

"Well, I don't often actually say it like that… but now that you mention it, it sounds like a wonderful idea!" Thor rolled his eyes, not actually protesting in any way or trying to stop the inevitable doom that was a hungry Loki.

"Somehow I'm not surprised."

XXXX

Skuld wasn't at all keen on the idea of sending them back to the future of Midgard for what was essentially a snack run, especially so soon after last night.

Still, she had quite enjoyed the spectacular display of fireworks, and she had to admit that the boys had been remarkably well behaved last time, if you didn't count the blatant displays of kleptomania.

Not wanting a repeat of that this time, she provided Loki with some of the appropriate currency, extracting solemn oaths from both gods that they would use it as needed, and not steal anything else. Neither god had to ask what would happen if they went back on those oaths.

She also gave them a shopping list of some of the things she had seen that she would quite like to try, and Loki diligently folded the list and placed it in his pocket, making a mental note to see that they got ample quantities of everything on the list. It couldn't hurt to suck up to the only woman who had a power that he hadn't yet mastered. The only question then was where to start.

XXXX

"This beverage is divine!" Loki chuckled into his own mug of coffee as Thor stared at it in shock.

"We should know. In fact, this entire building smells most pleasant." They had found a Tim Hortons. As this pretty much definitively proves that they're visiting future Canada, this should explain the lack of freezing cold to everyone.

There was also a conspicuous lack of polar bears, igloos, and dog sleds, for the education of Americans and other aliens. But back to the gods.

It took them quite a while to leave the coffee shop, as Loki wanted to try everything they sold, and Thor was determined to sample every kind of wondrous coffee the place sold. The limiting factor in this equation wasn't how fast either god could eat or drink.

No, it was the speed with which the Tim Hortons employees could provide these items, as the gods had to make several trips and the Tim Hortons was packed with other customers.

Eventually Thor declared himself satisfied, and after purchasing ridiculous quantities of the Tim Hortons home coffee mix (and abducting the information on how to prepare the coffee from a young woman so that Loki could mimic it magically) the gods left, having provided more income in one morning than that particular Timmies usually made in a month.

XXXX

The gods wandered casually down the street, Loki once more decked out in his black "Man whore" t-shirt and jeans. Thor had been given a different outfit by the norns, who appeared to consider him their personal Barbie doll.

Not that he would get the reference, fortunately for anyone making it. But anyway, today Thor had been given a pair of baggy khaki shorts and a flowered Hawaiian shirt which he hadn't bothered to button up. As usual, he was getting lots of admiring looks from the ladies, and jealous looks from the men.

Unusually enough, Loki was currently getting a lot of jealous looks from the ladies, which was assumedly because he was skipping alongside the thunder god, chattering eagerly and occasionally grabbing him by the arm to drag him off to look at something.

Really, giving someone with Loki's attention span an entire Tim Hortons worth of sugar and caffeine was probably not the best idea the universe ever had.

Even more unfortunately for the poor fabric of reality, Thor was so cracked out on the gloriousness that is coffee that he wasn't up to restraining his nutty friend as he usually did. No, today he was joining in.

"Loki! Loki look! It's so pretty Loki!" Loki stared in through the window at the sparkling dress that had caught Thor's eye this time. It was indeed very pretty.

It was a rich green satin dress, with a pattern of vines picked out on it in sequins. It went down past the knees of the mannequin, but the skirt was sufficiently light and floofy that it looked quite comfortable. A wide grin crossed the trickster's face.

"I'm trying that on." Thor paused, that moment of insanity making it through even his highly caffeinated mind. He gave his companion an odd look.

"I believe it is for women, Loki. You're a man." Loki pouted, striking a provocative pose.

"But I totally have the figure for it!"

"You need boobs."

"Challenge accepted!" Never make a challenge like that to a shape shifter.

XXXX

Twenty minutes later, Loki was completely dolled up in the pretty green dress and Thor was having a hard time pulling his eyes away from the trickster's ample new cleavage.

For the first time in his life, Loki was introduced to the wonders of the brassiere, which made for significantly better presentation of his new tits. He liked the effect so much that he did a twirl, and Thor nearly tried to claw his eyes out.

"Don't I look fabulous, Thor?" Thor grumbled something, and Loki grinned wider. "I do, don't I?" Grudgingly, Thor nodded.

"Yes." The trickster beamed, smoothing his skirt and skipping over to the counter.

"Good. I'm getting it." Thor groaned, hauling himself out of the chair in front of the dressing rooms and reluctantly followed his friend. One of the clerks, who had watched with some amusement as Loki performed his twirl, made an ill-advised attempt to be friendly.

"Your girlfriend is very enthusiastic." Thor half turned to glare at the young man, growling out a reply.

"He's not my girlfriend!" The boy's eyes widened almost comically.

"Wait, that was a guy?" In spite of himself, Thor cheered up a little. He wasn't the only one who tended to get confused by Loki's gender after all.

"Yes, and he's a dick." The clerk shook his head as Thor walked away, muttering to himself.

"Those boobs didn't look fake…"

XXXX

Apparently Loki really did like his new dress, because he kept it on as they continued down the street. He was getting even more jealous looks from the ladies now, but since it was too damn funny he didn't mind. Besides, he was also getting his share of wolf whistles from the men now too.

Poor Thor was getting exasperated as only he could, especially when someone they passed made a grab for Loki's ass. The trickster only encouraged it with a giggle and a wink, but Thor grabbed the poor boy's arm, glaring at him.

"Leave him alone." The poor kid's eyes bugged like the clerk's had.

"That's a dude?" Loki snickered, twirling his ponytail around his finger.

"Duh. You think women get this gorgeous?" Thor rolled his eyes, cuffing Loki upside the head and releasing the kid, who had probably just been traumatised enough for a lifetime.

Loki had previously been using a higher, more feminine voice to help him screw with the mortal's heads, but since Thor had just ratted him out he had dropped into his own, distinctly masculine voice. The kid fled as soon as Thor released him, back to his equally disturbed group of friends.

They were obviously considering shouting something rude, but there was just something about a seven foot muscular man that could shut up even teenagers, even if he was travelling with a drag queen.

Like many women before him, Loki had worked around his lack of pockets by using his new cleavage to hold stuff. As they walked down the street away from the poor traumatised teenagers, he reached into his bra to pull out Skuld's list of stuff.

"Okay… she wants coffee. I reckon we have enough of that." Thor, who was carrying the bag (Loki had magically TARDISed the bag by making the inside larger than the outside, to limit the odd looks they got), clutched it protectively to his chest.

"You want me to SHARE?" Loki paused, then snickered, shaking his head.

"Never mind, we definitely need more coffee. Maybe we should get some different kinds." Thor looked around for any likely grocery stores. No such luck yet.

"From where?" Loki shrugged, looking around as well.

"No idea. Something'll turn up." So they proceeded down the street, occasionally glancing at the many shiny things in the stores beside them.

Sadly, Thor's exasperation at Loki's behaviour had driven away his sugar rush, subsequently bringing Loki down as well. Loki wanted to stop in at another Tim Hortons to refuel, but Thor remembered how long it had taken them to get away the last time and didn't want to do it again.

Of course, Loki argued that it would take less time this time, since they had already tried everything at least once, and gradually Thor gave in under the promise of coffee. It wasn't like they had a defined mission this time, after all.

Tim Hortons also turned out to be a useful place to gather information. Simply by batting his eyes lashes and pressing his boobs together, Loki got the young man behind them in the line to tell him everything he wanted to know.

This included where some people who were new in town could obtain some snacks and coffee. There was a supermarket a few blocks down, but he also recommended they check out a place called the Bulk Barn if they needed anything in large quantities.

Loki, of course, required lots of things in large quantities, and Thor was all for the idea if there was a chance of coffee being involved, so this time they didn't sit in the Timmies. Instead they took their coffee on the road.

Thor was busy marvelling over the convenient little disposable cups while Loki, who was immune to such wonders, kept an eye out for food. Thanks to his most recent victim's directions he soon managed to locate the large red Bulk Barn sign.

As the boy continued on in something of a daze, Thor shook his head disapprovingly at Loki.

"You're acting like Freya." Four words guaranteed to sober up the trickster at once and bring him to a complete stop. He had a small, hurt frown almost like a pout on his face, as though the comment had genuinely wounded.

"That was uncalled for." Thor chuckled.

"I never knew you were so sensitive. I could almost believe I had never seen you setting Baldur's eyebrows on fire because you thought it was funny." At once, Loki brightened up again, grinning widely at his friend.

"Oh come on, that was funny. Besides, it's not like it hurt him. Much." Thor rolled his eyes. He wasn't sure why Loki hated Baldur so much, or at least enjoyed teasing, annoying, and bugging the crap out of him.

It wasn't like they had ever really talked all that much. It was just that something about Baldur that seemed to piss Loki off to no end. So he got his own back in the only way he knew how. By fucking up his shit.

Peace restored between them, the two gods entered the Bulk Barn. It was quite wonderful. A large building, full of bins and bins of random stuff. That's sort of like Heaven.

There were several other people there, most noticeably the apparently omnipresent mortal girls that reverse-stalked Thor and Loki everywhere. Their blue haired friend apparently wasn't with them this time, as it was only the red head and the black haired girl who were wandering the aisles with a shopping basket.

Like last time, Thor decided to follow them in the hope that they knew what they were doing. They did seem to. By watching them, he was able to find the little shopping baskets that everyone was using to collect their stuff. He also found a promising looking aisle of powder.

Only Loki could read the labels on the boxes, but Thor knew enough to see that some of it had the same shapes as some of the letters in the Tim Hortons. He especially remembered the hot chocolate. He filled several of the provided bags with hot chocolate powder while Loki checked out the various chocolate coated items on the other side of the row.

There was some very weird stuff there, and he found himself chuckling as he read the names.

"Who in their right mind would cover pretzels in chocolate? What the hell are pretzels anyway?" Thor shrugged, dumping seven full bags of hot chocolate into their shopping basket. Loki actually sagged sideways under the weight.

"I have no idea. Is there anything you want?" Loki gave up and dropped the basket, leaving it to Thor to pick up. They were going to need another one anyway. Probably another several.

"Actually yeah… some of this stuff looks good. Do you want anything?" In answer, Thor passed him an empty plastic bag. Loki grinned, opening one of the bins and beginning to fill his bag.

XXXX

They managed to coexist peacefully with the other patrons until they passed the two girls they were kind of stalking in one of the candy aisles. Loki was happily filling a bag with sour gummy rings when Thor overheard the girls talking.

They were ignoring the bins, instead taking candy from the boxes stacked on shelves above them. The black haired girl had just grabbed a handful of chocolate bars, and her ginger friend was snickering.

"You shouldn't get those, Mel. It says "Not for girls" right on the packet." The black haired girl stuck her tongue out at her friend.

"I defy anyone to stop me." Thor turned, frowning down at her.

"You should not take things that are not for women." Both girls paused, looking very surprised that he had actually joined in. Then the black haired girl frowned back.

"I can take what candy I want, dude, it's just a joke." Thor shook his head, actually trying to take the chocolate out of her cart.

"The candy does not want you to take it." The red head was watching this as though it was some kind of show being put on specifically for her amusement, leaning back against one of the bins.

Loki turned to watch as well, and when she noticed him she grabbed a packet of Jelly Babies from the shelf behind her, opening it and offering him one. Impressed by this minor act of larceny in a world that obeyed far too many rules, Loki took one. The girl grinned, rooting through the bag.

"You're meant to eat the black ones first." Loki raised an eyebrow, wondering if this was a rule.

"Why?" She shrugged, pulling out a black jelly baby and biting its head off.

"My dad decided I needed more fear as a child. If you don't eat the black ones first, they eat you. Nice dress by the way." Loki smiled, tugging at the hem of his skirt.

"It is, isn't it? It's new." Directly beside them, occasionally brushing up against them because of the confined space in the aisle, Thor and the black haired girl were getting into a yelling match about other people's baskets and what should happen to people who touched them.

Thor was being surprisingly adamant about the "Not for girls" sign on the Yorkie wrapper. Not that they were paying the slightest bit of attention. She flicked the sleeve, grinning as she rubbed the fabric.

"It's really soft. Where did you get it?" Loki shrugged.

"Up the street somewhere. I forget where." The girl nodded thoughtfully.

"I may have to go and quest up the street." At this point, Loki and Thor had a new experience on Earth. A store employee actually manned up enough to tell Thor to get the fuck out.

She was a little more polite about it, edging over and informing Loki and the redhead that they had to tell their friends to quiet down or they would be forced to leave, but she still actually took action.

Loki almost commended her for her bravery, and the red head offered her a jelly baby. She declined, looking a little oddly at them because they were eating the merchandise without paying for it. Under her watchful eye, the red head kicked her friend.

"Hey Mel, if you want anything go and pay for it now because I'm leaving. See you outside in five or I'm driving away." She handed Loki the bag of jelly babies and walked out, passing directly between her friend and Thor. She paused half way to the door, grinning back at Loki. "By the way, no offense but you are a dude, right?"

Loki straightened, a little surprised at being found out. The store worker and the black haired girl were both staring at him oddly now. A wide grin spread across his face.

"Yeah. How did you know?" The red head shrugged happily, sticking her hands in her pockets.

"I'm horrendously straight. And I thought you were hot. It's like a gay-dar but for cross dressers." And she turned and left. In that moment, Loki decided to hell with Skuld and her no-stealing policy, he had to high five this woman. So he nodded to Thor as he passed on his way to the exit.

"Pay for anything you want, we have to leave as well." As he passed the cashier, a young man with choppy blonde hair glared at him.

"Are you going to pay for those?" Loki considered him for a moment. And beamed at him.

"No." He walked out, straight past the gaping boy. Outside, the red head was watching with an expression of awe on her face.

"Dude… I fucking love you." Loki grinned self-confidently back at her.

"Many people do." She raised a hand.  
>"High five. It's totally required." And thus an epic high five was had, before their assorted friends came out of the shop, still shooting each other death glares, and the two groups separated to go on with their days.<p>

XXXX

By the time Loki and Thor returned to Asgard, they had actually managed to completely fill the subspace that Loki had created inside one of the bags. He hadn't actually known that it was possible to fill one before now, but apparently it was.

Even after taking out everything Skuld had asked for (which was a challenge all on its own because first they had to find and sort through all of it) they still had four magically extended bags to carry back to the city.

Skuld was so pleased with how well they had filled her request that she hadn't even mentioned the increasingly frequents acts of theft that Loki had committed after leaving the Bulk Barn. She had sort of wanted to take the dress, but in an uncharacteristic moment of "balls to it I'm a fucking beautiful girl" Loki refused, and actually wore the dress all the way back into Asgard.

It took a while for anyone to recognise him, to his great pleasure.

XXXX

Baldur strolled down the street towards them, giving Loki a brighter smile than he had ever knowingly given the trickster before turning his attention to Thor.

"Hello brother, I didn't know you were bringing back women from Midgard! I doubt Sif will be pleased, but she is indeed beautiful." At these words Loki really had to fight the urge to cackle like a loony, but he managed to restrain himself to a lady like giggle.

Thor gave him an exasperated frown, but decided to let the trickster have his fun for a change. It was quite true that Loki would never hear the end of this escapade either way, so it might as well be in a way that the trickster liked.

Otherwise he'd never do it again, and Thor had to admit that Loki really did make a very lovely woman when he wanted to. Almost pretty enough to take to bed. Baldur certainly seemed to think so.

It was also hilarious to watch Baldur as he unknowingly flirted with Loki, although the trickster very nearly gave himself away when Baldur commented jokingly on how much better it was to see Thor with a lady, rather than his usual companion "that irritating giant".

Loki managed to cover the glare with a smile just before Baldur noticed, and instead of revealing his identity he kept flirting. Baldur only realised that he was being conned when Freyr passed them, pulled a double take, and burst out laughing.

"Hello Loki, you look severely spankable today." Baldur turned to the fertility god, confused, and Loki just gave up. With a laugh he returned to his regular voice, winking at Freyr.

"Thanks. I think." Fury turned Baldur's cheeks a deep red as he turned to glare at the grinning god.

"Loki? Are you trying to make me look a fool!" Freyr rolled his eyes, waving cheerfully to Loki and Thor as he left.

"He doesn't need to help you with that, Baldur, you're doing fine on your own. Later Thor, let me know when we're going wenching Loki! Although if you keep dressing like that you'll be wenched yourself." Loki shrugged happily, picking up one of the magically extended bags again.

"Not like I mind either way, Frey. If you have any time later, you should come and check out some of the stuff we got from Midgard this time. It's quite something." Freyr nodded, and continued on his way. He was on a quest from his wife to find her something pretty to make up for his random abandonment the other day.

Loki headed off in the other direction, actually going back towards his own hall for a change. Thor followed him, because it was usually easier to do that than it was to argue. Baldur stood dumbstruck for a moment, looking first after Loki, then after Freyr as if trying to decide who to follow and yell at.

Eventually he gave up, throwing his hands up into the air and going home. At least there hadn't been any other witnesses to his embarrassing mistake. Unless of course you counted the dozens of people who had walked past and said nothing.

XXXXX

HK: So the next chapter is also a rather short one, but that's okay because at least I'm posting? ^^; Some of my other stories are gathering dust right about now… so be happy that this one (which has less readers and should hypothetically be a lower priority… since when did I have priorities?) is getting regular updates! I should also point out that Baldur is getting minorly abused here for a reason; when they found out he was invincible, everyone made a sport of THROWING DEADLY WEAPONS at him. Since when did we do that to people we love? Not saying that they don't like him, I'm just of the opinion that he probably got a little too used to being adored, and so doesn't notice that he occasionally annoys those around him. And since Freyr is technically higher in the ratings than he is, he can get away with a few cheap cracks. :P


	6. 06 The Movie Thor

HK: Since this chapter is also horribly short (and horribly cracktastic), I figured I'd give it to you today as well. What? Did anyone honestly think I could resist making a little fun of Marvel?

Disclaimer: HK: I'll do my own this time, because Thialfi ran away and DAMN that boy is fast… I don't own Thor, Loki, Sif, the movie Thor, or anything else. In case anyone was wondering, I do own the two "mystery" mortals (like you can't guess who they are). Also! Every word the redhead says during the movie has actually come from my own mouth during said movie. I can't always help myself… although I'm almost always quiet about it. ;)

WARNINGS! Crack, silliness, and of course Loki jumping into any bed he can find. Oh, and believe it or not some Heimdall!crack. 0.o What have I done?

XXXXX

Thor was not accustomed to having visitors at four o'clock in the morning. He probably should be, considering the identity of his best friend. Still, he was far from pleased when Loki bounced into his room at the aforementioned ungodly hour, waking Thor by the simple expedient of jumping onto the bed.

Sif merely groaned and rolled over, burying her head in the pillows as her husband sat up angrily, grabbing Loki by the neck.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Loki shrugged as best he could, grinning despite the lack of oxygen to his brain.

"I just remembered something I saw in Midgard. It looked quite interesting, and probably quest worthy." Thor groaned like his wife, releasing the trickster and flopping back onto his bed.

"And it couldn't wait until morning?" Loki straightened his shirt, settling himself more comfortably on the bed as well.

"I waited as long as I could… I actually thought of it at about eleven." The thunder god sighed heavily, bringing a hand up to rub his eyes.

He really couldn't find the energy to be angry at Loki… it should have been easy, given the stupid timing, but for some reason (probably plot related) he just couldn't do it.

"I should break every bone in your body, Loki…" The trickster shrugged again, fully used to the threat by now. He really should be, given how often he pisses Thor off for purely recreational purposes.

"You could do that… or we could go to Midgard, get some of that coffee, and I could show you the interesting thing I'm talking about." Thor frowned, sitting up and showing some interest. The idea of coffee had him quite perked up.

"What was it?" Loki grinned down at his friend.

"A movie. Called Thor." Thor's frown deepened.

"What's a movie?"

XXXX

Naturally, they waited a few hours before going to see Skuld, but only because Loki feared for his testicles if he dared to wake the norn up. He therefore spent the rest of the night with Thor and Sif, although Thor evicted him from the bedroom and he had to go and sleep on the couch again.

He could have gone home, but where was the fun in that? Anyway, when they eventually did get up the courage to go and visit Skuld, it seemed that all of Loki's forebodings were correct. Even at nine o'clock she wasn't keen on the idea of sending them back to Midgard yet again, and was mumbling angrily about installing a revolving door as she completed the spell.

XXXX

The movie Thor had been playing for several weeks by the time the god Thor and his companion Loki went to see it. As such, the theatre was almost completely empty as the movie began to play. The only other people there were two oddly familiar young women who were sitting a few rows down.

Apparently they hadn't noticed Thor and Loki come in, as the red head wasn't bothering to keep her voice down. She grabbed a handful of popcorn and pitched it at the screen as a woman with black hair walked on.

"Hey look, it's Sif of the golden hair!" Thor sat up a little straighter, and almost asked if she knew his wife, but before he could talk her friend had shushed her.

"Dude! There are other people in the theatre!" The redhead rolled her eyes.

"No there aren't, only we're stupid enough to come and see this three times." Her friend slapped her arm.

"Yeah there are! Behind you!" The red head didn't seem to believe her, but she turned anyway. Although she was very surprised to see the boys, she took it in stride.

"Hey. Sorry about that. Want some popcorn?" Loki shook his head, and she shrugged, turning back to watch the movie. Occasionally it seemed that she couldn't help herself with the commentary though.

"Why the FUCK is there an Asian? Seriously!"  
>"Dude! Shut up!"<p>

"HIDDLES!"  
>"Kelly, shut up!"<p>

"Why is Heimdall black?"  
>"You're gonna get kicked out."<p>

"If Heimdall's balls dropped any further, they'd hit the ground. Then he could sing like Barry White."  
>"Other people are trying to watch."<br>"No, other people are trying not to laugh."

"Hey look, it's Loki's MOTHER Laufey!"  
>"Still looks like a guy to me."<br>"That's the point."

Eventually Loki gave up, grinning, and the girls moved up to sit beside them. The noisy red head, who clearly knew a lot more about them than the people who had made the movie, shared her popcorn with him.

Apparently she didn't eat it, and had only gotten it to throw at the screen. Loki joined in occasionally. A man from the theatre was watching them from the doorway, but since there arguably were no other patrons to be disturbed, he couldn't really do much.

Part way through the movie, they got a very nice eyeful of the attractive young man playing the role of Thor. The red head wolf whistled cheerfully, and Loki chimed in for the s's and g's. The black haired girl rolled her eyes, sitting back and accidentally knocking over Thor's drink.

The thunder god bellowed in anger, surging to his feet. His head blocked out part of the movie, and the red head groaned, tossing a few handfuls of popcorn at him. This did not help his temper.

"You spilled my beverage!" The black haired girl scowled at him.

"I'm sorry, alright? Now sit down and shut up." Thor glowered incredulously down at her.

"You dare to tell me to shut up!"

"Yes!" The red head frowned thoughtfully at Loki.

"Actually now that I think of it… have we met before?" This part of the movie was actually kind of dull, but Loki kept watching the screen as he replied.

"I don't think so…" She shrugged, turning back the screen herself.

"Huh. Just thought the sound of them yelling at each other was familiar." Loki half turned, raising an eyebrow at her.

"Does she get into yelling matches a lot then?"

"Actually no. That's why it's odd."

"Ah. Got any more popcorn?"

"Yup. Oh, shut up a minute it's about to get good. Loki's coming!" Loki glanced over again, but quickly looked back to the screen. Tom Hiddleston actually didn't look at all like him, although he had to admit it was an image that he wouldn't mind taking on occasion.

Thor had grudgingly sat down under the glare of the cinema worker, and now he and the black haired girl were engaged in a quieter, but still aggressive argument. Much like the one in Ikea, this had to do with drinks and who had done what to them.

Eventually they got loud to the point of shouting again, so first the other girl and then Loki began pelting them with popcorn until they shut up.

It was a reluctant silence, only won when the red headed girl loudly threatened to sing Queen at the top of her lungs whenever Heimdall talked for the rest of the movie. Her friend had shut up at once, apologizing to Thor and sitting quietly.

The rest of the movie passed with minimal commentary, although Loki ended up swearing a few times. Really, did the humans think he was that much of a bitch?

XXXX

As the movie ended and the credits rolled, Loki, Thor and the black haired girl got up to leave, but the red head didn't move. Her friend paused, frowning down at her.

"Are you coming or what?" She waved a hand.

"Not yet." The black haired girl sighed, dropping back into her seat as well.

"This is the third time we've seen this movie. You know what's going to happen." The red head frowned, not looking at her.

"Yeah, but still. I have to wait." Loki frowned in confusion, turning to the black haired girl.

"What is she talking about? I thought the movie was over." She rolled her eyes.

"Kel's spastic about Loki falling off the bridge. We never get to leave until the little clip after the credits comes on." Loki paused just as he was about to leave.

"There's more?" The black haired girl shrugged.

"Not much, but yeah. It's sort of the prequel to the Avengers movie." The gods considered this, then Loki shrugged.

"What the hell. It isn't like we have anywhere to be." Without looking over, the red head handed a bag of Maltesers around.

XXXXX

Something highly suspicious was going on when they returned to their own time. Skuld greeted them with a wide smile. That was Loki's first hint, because he was pretty sure that she had never willingly smiled with him. At him, yes, as often as possible. But never in a nice way.

Thus Loki was already on edge as they began the long walk up to Asgard. The fact that Skuld was giggling like a loony as she watched them go did not bode well.

Oddly enough, the city looked normal when they finally reached it. Really, they should get an escalator installed in Yggdrasil. It was also apparently deserted. This usually wouldn't be cause for giggling among the norns, but the reason for that soon became apparent.

Odin was riding down the street towards them at top speed, but unlike his usual method of travel he was sitting ramrod straight in the saddle, one arm bent behind his head and the other stretching out in front of him like a challenge to the universe.

He appeared to be steering with his knees, but since Sleipnir was apparently gripped by whatever madness had affected his master it wasn't really necessary. As he drew closer, it became clear that Odin was yelling.

"!" Thor and Loki jumped away from each other, plastering themselves to walls on either side of the street as Odin came thundering past. He didn't even seem to see them.

They watched him retreat into the distance in silence, until Loki peeled himself away from the side of the building.

"That was strange." Again the street shook with the sound of oncoming hooves and the gods tensed, looking around for their attacker.

A cloud of dust was coming towards them, and as it grew closer they realised that it was being kicked up by Freyr, who was actually riding the back of a wild pig he must have caught in the forest. The pig was not happy to be being ridden.

There didn't seem to be much it could do about it though, as Freyr was holding on to it with one hand and seemed to be quite enjoying himself. Thor decided he wanted answers, so as Freyr approached on the back of his pig, the thunder god stepped out onto the street, neatly plucking his friend from the back of the pig as it passed.

The pig seemed quite relieved to lose its burden, and didn't even slow down as it charged on out of the city. Freyr dangled in midair from Thor's fist, still giggling, apparently equally unperturbed by the sudden deceleration. He was swinging gently, but that was about it.

Loki cautiously crossed the street to join them, keeping an eye out for any more rampaging joy riders. Thor raised Freyr to eye level, shaking the laughing fertility god a few times.

"What is going on here! What has happened to my father!" Swinging rather more roughly now, Freyr managed to stop giggling long enough to reply, although nothing could wipe the large grin from his face.

"You recall the treats you brought back from that place in Midgard called the Bulk Barn? Well, the Allfather found them… and we decided to try them… they're wonderful!" Loki's eyes widened, only to narrow again as he frowned.

"How much of it did you eat?" Freyr burst into another fit of giggles, clearly cracked out of his mind on sugar.

"All of it, I think!" Loki groaned, rubbing at his forehead. He could feel a headache coming on. Which was unusual for him, because he was normally the one giving other people headaches.

"Was it just you and Odin who ate it all?" Freyr thought hard for a while, as though Loki had asked him the meaning of life itself. His lower lip stuck out and he scrunched up his forehead. Abruptly the sunshine bright smile (literally) crossed his face again.

"Nope! 'Dally helped!" It took the other two a moment to realise who he was talking about. Finally Loki twigged, gaping incredulously at Freyr.

"Heimdall? You mean Heimdall, the watchman, ate roughly a mountain of sugar with you?" Freyr nodded happily, and Loki let out a cackle of glee, rubbing his hands together. "I can't wait to see this… Let's go and find him." Thor frowned, slightly more concerned for everyone's health and welfare.

"Where is everyone else, Freyr?" The fertility god giggled, kicking Thor's chest to set himself swinging again. It was almost pathetically weak, but it worked well enough.

"Oh, they all ran away after the first time Odin turned into a dragon and breathed fire all over the place." Even Loki paused in his plotting to give Freyr an odd look for that one.

"The first time?" Freyr shrugged happily, still dangling from Thor's fist.

"Yeah, he's been doing it every few minutes or so." As if on cue there came a thunderous roar from somewhere in the distance, and a large dragon took flight over the city.

Loki wisely dived for cover, but Thor remained standing in the middle of the street, staring up at the dragon that was his father. Even Freyr, in his sugar addled state, was beginning to get nervous. "Uh… Thor… do you think we should be getting under cover now?"

Thor ignored him, apparently having forgotten the full grown man he was holding a foot off the ground.

"Father! What are you doing!" The dragon roared at him, and Freyr began to struggle in earnest.

"Seriously, put me down if you're going to kill yourself!" Thor ignored him some more, and Loki eventually took pity on him, coming out from his hiding place and grabbing the back of Freyr's shirt.

He came out of Thor's grip after a few yanks, and together the two ran back to Loki's chosen hiding place; just inside one of the stores that lined the street.

Terror seemed to have gotten Freyr out of his sugar high. "Are we really gonna leave him out there? Odin will eat him. He already ate four horses." Loki half turned, raising an eyebrow at Freyr.

"And he's still on a sugar rush?" Freyr shrugged, peering out through a window to watch the trouble on the street.

"We heard that horses liked sugar cubes. So we gave them lots." Loki thought about this for a moment. And gave Freyr an incredulous look.

"How many?" The fertility god shrugged.

"Well, they did like the sugar…" Loki groaned, looking outside again. Thor was still yelling up at the dragon, which was now circling overhead. It didn't look like it was about to eat him… then again, Loki had never seen Odin take the form of a dragon while on a sugar high before, so he could be reading him wrong.

Eventually though, Odin seemed to calm down as he regained his human form and patted his son on the shoulder. It was anticlimactic, but probably better than the alternative. There was no telling what could have happened if Odin actually had eaten his son.

Frigga at least would have been unbelievably pissed. The sugar high appeared to be wearing off on him too, but he was still in a good mood as Loki and Freyr crept out of their hiding place and joined them on the main street.

Apparently sensing that the worst of the danger was over, the other citizens of Asgard began to appear again. Baldur, who was still sore about the whole "Loki in drag" incident, and was even more pissed about his continuing lack of furniture, stormed over to his father.

"Father! Thor and Loki still have yet to deliver my furniture! They should be punished!" Odin regarded his son with a long, cool glare. He had still been pleasantly buzzed from the concoctions Thor and Loki had brought back with them from Midgard, and thus was currently a lot more on the side of his blood brother.

This was why his answer wasn't exactly what the overly loved and quite possibly spoiled rotten Baldur had come to expect.

"My son, you appear to have a bad case of being a little bitch. I would advise you to man the fuck up and deal with your own damn problems." Baldur's mouth opened and closed a few times as he stared in shock at his father and gaped like a fish. In all of his life, none but Loki had ever dared speak to him like that!

Loki, who had watched the exchange with growing glee, clapped Odin on the shoulder.

"Well said, brother! Now I was wondering, could you tell me where Heimdall has gotten to?" Odin frowned thoughtfully at his brother, but his good will was still present enough to allow him to answer.

Nothing in his usually perfectly functioning mind was bothering to let him know what might happen if Loki got anywhere near a sugar-cracked Heimdall.

"Well he's supposed to be at his bridge… but he got sick of looking at the bloody rainbow all day, thinks it'll turn him gay…"

Definitive proof right there in that sentence that neither god was exactly in his right mind. Loki tried to resist his laughter, privately making a note to get Heimdall and Odin cracked out on sugar far more often (he doesn't know it'll stop being so effective pretty much at once, poor guy). It seemed to loosen their tongues considerably.

For one thing, he had had no idea that Heimdall thought his rainbow bridge could turn him gay. From the reactions of others who had heard this strange statement, neither had anyone else. Of course, it could just be that the sugar was affecting his mind and making him think that. But it was slightly funnier to assume that some small part of his mind always worried about it.

Odin didn't seem to know where he was though, and since the sugar high was already wearing off on the other two victims, it didn't seem like Heimdall would be affected for much longer. Therefore Loki resolved to find Heimdall as quickly as possible, leaving Odin in midsentence.

While usually this act of supreme rudeness would have caused comment and minor smiting at the very least, today Odin didn't actually seem to notice, as now he was rambling on about butterflies to anyone who would listen.

Thor was slightly less lucky, as when he tried to follow Odin grabbed his arm and kept talking. There was just no graceful way out of that situation, and Thor wasn't about to hit his father to make him let go. He wasn't suicidal just yet thank you.

So while Thor was stuck trying to persuade his father to let him go, Loki went on a hunt for Heimdall. No one had seen him around, and apparently he wasn't anywhere in the city.

At this point Loki sort of wished he had the ability to put tracking devices on all his fellow gods, similar to the ones the humans of future Midgard used to track migrating birds. It would save a lot of time for all involved… then again, it would also mean that the others would be able to locate Loki whenever they wanted, no matter where he tried to hide. So on second thought, maybe not a good idea.

He looked at the watch tower, not really expecting to find Heimdall there if the usually dutiful guardian was still out of his mind on sugar. He was not disappointed, which then gave him the hope that when he eventually did find Heimdall, the watcher would still be drugged out on sugar enough to be worth the effort.

Since 'Dally wasn't in the city or his usual watch tower, Loki took to the forest. He actually found Heimdall there, halfway up a tree. More accurately, Heimdall found him.

"Loki! Hey Loki! Up here!" Loki, who was lost at this point, paused and spun around, peering through the branches.

"Heimdall? Is that you?" The watcher hucked a pine cone down at the trickster, hitting him squarely on the head. Loki swore and ducked, rubbing his head as he searched the branches again. "What the fuck, man! Why did you do that!"

Heimdall leaned down so that Loki could find him more easily, clinging onto his branch for dear life. He was at least sixty feet up the tree, but he was still more whispering than shouting.

"I'm stuck." Loki paused, trying to find a comfortable angle to crane his neck at to see the other As. It wasn't really possible from directly under the tree, so he backed up a few steps.

"Sorry, what did you just say?" Heimdall rolled his eyes, edging nervously along the branch to keep the trickster in view.

"I'm stuck! I can't get down!" Loki pulled a double take, trying not to laugh. He had hoped that something funny would happen when he found Heimdall, but this was beyond even his wildest dreams. He wasn't quite sure what to say.

"Well… how… how did you get up there?" Heimdall shrugged, slipped at little, and clung to the branch like a koala again.

"I have no idea! I was hanging out with Odin and Freyr, and then Freyr said something about catching a pig so I came to help him… and then I was stuck up a tree and they were both gone! I've been waiting for someone to come along for like, an hour now!"

Loki took another few steps backward, making Heimdall lean even further on the branch to keep him in sight. This did not please the watcher. "Where are you going? You can't leave me here!" Loki leaned closer again to wave at Heimdall.

"Hey, I'm not going anywhere. Just trying to get a better look at you so I can work out how to get you down." Actually, Loki was debating just leaving. It would be really mean, but also really funny.

He could just go get the others and come back. It would be cruel to save a situation this funny all for himself… but he got along well enough with Heimdall, when the latter wasn't being forced to try and stop him from doing whatever stupid crap he had done now.

More often than not the watcher turned the other way, pretending to be ignorant until the shit hit the fan. So Loki decided to just do the right thing for once.

He took a few more steps back, looking at the tree critically. Heimdall seemed reassured by him saying he wouldn't leave, and had moved back towards the trunk. He may still have been a little cracked to trust the trickster… but the fact was, he didn't have much choice.

When it seemed like Loki had been quiet for a little too long, he nervously edged out along the branch again.

"Loki? You're still there, right?" Loki stepped closer again, back under the branches of the tree.

"Yeah, I'm trying to think. Would you mind shutting up for five minutes?" Heimdall rolled his eyes, scooting back again.

"Sure, your highness. Just a little worried, ya know? I can't stay up here all day." Loki paused, frowning. Something was confusing him a little… Heimdall. The way he was talking… the way he was acting in general was weird.

Loki decided to attribute it to the sugar and the minor panic. He hadn't even known that the watchman could climb. Suddenly a thought struck him.

"Have you considered just jumping, Heimdall?" The watchman poked his head out again to stare incredulously at Loki.

"Are you fucking serious?" This was another first. Loki had never heard Heimdall swear before, and both his eyebrows shot up at the abrupt display of foul language. It was probably at least a little justified though. Rolling his eyes, Loki explained his idea.

"I'd catch you with my magic before you hit the ground. I'm not seeing much of a viable alternative here, unless you want me to cut down the tree." Heimdall swore at him a little more. Usually he considered foul language to be beneath him, but in this circumstance he felt it was utterly appropriate.

Unfortunately, as usual Loki was right. There wasn't much of a choice. Squeezing his eyes shut (he wasn't scared of heights, it was just the unpleasant concept of watching them rush up at him that worried him), he shuffled out along his branch again.

"Are you sure you can catch me?" Loki sighed, already preparing the runes. Why did everyone feel the need to doubt him? It wasn't like seidh was an idle hobby for him, he was its true master. They teased him about it often enough, you'd think they'd at least trust him to be good at it.

"Of course. I'll need to find a suitable vessel for the excess energy generated by the fall, but since you can't weigh much more than 200 pounds that shouldn't be a problem. Just let me know before you jump, okay, or I might miss and knock down the tree."

Heimdall, despite being one of the smarter As, didn't actually understand a word of what Loki was talking about. That was okay though because Loki hadn't expected him to. He just liked talking through his thought processes to make sure everything made sense.

And well, if it made the people around him feel just a little bit stupid because they didn't have a clue what he was talking about, that was just another added benefit.

Sometimes it was hard to know that you were the smartest person in whatever room you happened to be in… unless that room included Odin. Odin wasn't just clever, Heimdall and Freyr were clever enough in their own way, Odin was cunning. He knew how to use his brains to his advantage, just like Loki.

This was why they had been an unstoppable duo back in the day. And Honir had come along to be the voice of sanity and more often the victim of the insanity, just like Thor did these days.

But we digress, because Heimdall has just jumped out of his tree. True to his word, Loki wove a net of magic to catch the other god several feet above the ground, and a few dozen feet away a large hole punched itself into the earth. Heimdall stared at it as he was slowly lowered.

"What the hell was that?" Loki shrugged, glancing over at the crater.

"I had to do something with the energy from the fall. I figured the ground could take it." He waved a hand, and the earth reformed itself until the ground was level once more. Easier to do that with earth than with people.

Heimdall continued to stare at the spot where the hole had been as they left. Like Freyr and Odin before him, the sugar seemed to be losing its hold, and as they approached the great wall of Asgard, he seemed to be pretty much back to normal.

As they hit the main road again he paused, looking embarrassed.

"Loki…" The trickster paused as well, half turning to look at his friend.

"Yes?" Heimdall coughed, not meeting his eyes.

"Please… don't tell anyone about what happened. Me being stuck in that tree and all." Loki, who hadn't actually been planning on it until Heimdall mentioned it, grinned widely.

"Have no fear, Heimdall. People wouldn't be all that interested to hear me tell it anyway, especially since Odin's random transformations into a dragon were easily the more spectacular. Your secret is safe with me." Heimdall met his eyes again, a grateful smile on his face.

"Thank you, Loki. You are a good friend." Loki shrugged nonchalantly, already back on the path to the city.

"I hope you never have cause to think otherwise. Later." Heimdall nodded, turning to go back to his tower.

"Yes. I hope it won't be too long before you have cause to visit me again. It is dull out here at times." Loki grinned mischievously over his shoulder.

"You mean when I'm not endangering Asgard and all her inhabitants?" The smile left Heimdall's face at once, to be replaced with a slight frown.

"That isn't funny Loki. You know I consider you a friend, but if you ever truly made yourself an enemy of Asgard… I would have no choice but to stop you." Loki sighed, rolling his eyes and tossing a wave at the watchman.

"You're such a buzz kill, Heimdall, I was joking! After all, Asgard is my home too. Why would I ever become your enemy?"

Heimdall, who occasionally had quite long, deep conversations with Skuld when she came to visit him (they got along well, both seeing too much to be at ease around more normal people), cast a worried frown at the retreating back of Loki.

"I don't know, Loki. But I pray that it never happens." Of course, Loki didn't hear him. It was said more to himself.

Because in his heart of hearts, Heimdall knew that Skuld's visions of the future were almost always perfectly accurate. He could only hope that she had been wrong about Loki. He didn't want to believe that his friend would be the one to kill him.

XXXXX

HK: Yes, I did squish two smaller chapters together in case anyone actually noticed my code with the Xs. Mostly because if you put up with the first part of the chapter, you deserve the second part of the chapter as a reward. I admit, that one was mostly for me, but since I'm the author I have the prerogative. :P


	7. 07 Christmas Special

HK: Because I love you all to buggery, I decided to do you a Christmas special! I decided this on the 23, because you see my planning is wonderful like that, so here's the product of my latest insanity! It's a tiny bit (actually only one line of dialogue so I shit you not a tiny bit) inspired by a freaking hilarious comic on deviantArt, this time by LadyNorthstar. Here, just have a link. :P The usual delete the spaces drill. http:/ ladynorthstar .deviantart. com/#/d3l2x42 This story was actually gonna go up on dA as well, but then dA decided to be all "fuck you you can't post stories". GFD deviantArt, why do you such so much?

I have to add something new actually… it's been crazy warm this year, I mean it's December and we only got snow YESTERDAY. For the education of anyone who doesn't know, I live in Canada. We usually have several FEET of the fluffy crap by this point. But no, we have a few shitty centimetres that mostly melted today. GFD global warming!

Disclaimer: HK: Since it's around that time of the year… you know, Christmas, Yule, Hanukkah (I totally didn't know that was in my spell check), Dong-something it's Chinese and sounds awesome and involves dumplings… sorry bros I totally forget and since it's Christmas day in like, 20 minutes and since this is a Christmas special I can't go check… anyway, the point is that I figured I could impose on Odin to do a disclaimer for us!  
>Odin: In your dreams wench.<br>HK: But I love you!  
>Odin: (sigh) Very well. You own nothing. Especially not me. Happy?<br>HK: (sparkly eyes) Yeeeeah…

WARNINGS! The usual levels of hurr durr, this time with ODIN AND HONIE! HOORAY!

XXXXX

On a particularly slow day in Asgard, Odin did something a little unusual. Well, maybe not unusual as such, just something he hadn't done in a long time. He asked his wife to keep an eye on the children while he was gone and went to find Loki and Hoenir.

Hoenir was quite easy to find, given that he lived in Vanaheim and always responded quickly to his brother's call. It was their other brother that was more of a problem. Eventually Loki was found lounging around in a tree in the middle of the city. He barely looked up as Odin and Hoenir approached.

"If this is about Baldur's furniture, I swear I'll do it eventually." Odin chuckled, pulling a travelling cloak more tightly around himself.

"I'm sure my son can handle this matter alone." Some disbelieving mutterings from the tree. "And that is not why I have come to find you. I was merely wondering if you were up for a quick trip to Midgard?" Loki sat up so fast he almost fell out of the tree.

"Are you serious? You haven't gone on a quest with me in decades!" The Allfather smirked, beckoning Loki down from the tree.

"I am. Hoenir has even come to join us." A decidedly devious grin crossed Loki's face as he jumped down from the tree, landing nimbly on the ground.

"It'll be just like old times." Hoenir paled slightly, remembering a few of those "old times".

"I hope not…" This only made his companions laugh. With a wide grin on his face, Loki wrapped an arm around Hoenir's shoulder and pulled him into a side hug.

"So where are we going? Does anyone feel like jotun smashing?" Odin wrapped an arm around Hoenir as well, the better to drag the more reluctant member of their party.

"Actually, I was thinking we could go and celebrate Yule with the citizens of the future of Midgard." The look on Loki's face suggested that he hadn't even dared dream of such a thing.

Hoenir looked from one to the other, and although he wasn't sure what they were talking about (poor guy is a little out of touch, living in Vanaheim and all), he just assumed from the looks on their faces that he wasn't going to like this.

XXXX

Loki actually hummed all the way down Yggdrasil. He had meant it when he said he missed going on quests with his blood brother; Freyr and Thor just weren't quite as much fun. For one thing, once Odin worked out what he was humming, he burst out laughing and sang along loudly.

Hoenir rolled his eyes, but he was smiling. The Vanir were a lot more laid back than the Aesir, but even they hadn't been able to keep him from missing this. All three of the elder gods were smiling as they reached Urd's well, and Skuld watched them cautiously.

Naturally she already knew what they were going to ask, but if anyone could make the future unpredictable… Odin marched over to her, beaming and clapping a hand on her shoulder, possibly a touch too hard.

"Mistress Skuld, we would ask you to open your gate to the future again, that we may join the humans in their celebrations of Yule!"

Skuld looked from one to the next. Loki was grinning even wider than Odin, which was far from reassuring, and Hoenir gave her a conciliatory shrug. Not terribly comforting either. The norn sighed, already preparing the spell.

"I hope you realise that the more I perform this spell, the more unstable the future becomes. Time itself could be destroyed." Odin paused, all levity leaving him. He hadn't thought of that.

Loki, on the other hand, had been giving this kind of thing a lot of thought recently, mostly to try and persuade Skuld to let himself and Freyr go wenching.

"Actually technically, since this is the future we're talking about, everything we're doing now has already happened. It's these actions that we haven't even done yet that shaped the future, so there's nothing to worry about. All your decisions have already been made for you, and all you have to do is play along. Unless, of course, we accept that the web of fate and the entire idea of destiny is wrong, in which case you could never see the actual future, only the most probable one, and Ragnarok might not even happen."

Skuld glared at him, but eventually she had to give in. After all, she and her sisters spun the web of fate. Arguing against the inevitability of the future would be the same as saying they wasted their time. And no one believed in inescapable destiny like a norn.

"I'm still not letting you and Freyr go wenching." Loki pouted, but since this trip was currently far more interesting he didn't really mind. Odin was still a little concerned about the fabric of reality.

"You are sure this will not damage time?" Skuld sighed, already weaving the spell in the air.

"Loki brought up a good point. As I have technically already done it, it doesn't matter. However, since the future still exists, it's safe to say that time will remain unharmed."

The Allfather breathed a sigh of relief, his excitement claiming him once more. He hadn't wanted to spend this whole trip worrying about destroying the universe after all!

"Excellent! Shall we proceed then?" Loki grinned, this time linking arms with Hoenir.

"Definitely. We should introduce Hoenir to the wonders of coffee." For a moment, Odin paused. The wise, responsible Allfather who watched over Asgard and did all he could to prevent Ragnarok was warring with the wild, carefree man he had been as a youth.

He remembered what coffee had done to him. Of course, Loki and Thor had assured him that it wasn't meant to do that, and would only do it in large quantities.

But this was Loki he was talking about, of course he meant to feed Hoenir large quantities of coffee, if only to see what would happen. The trickster's curiosity was as insatiable as it was ill advised.

Finally Odin gave up. He was going on this mission for a bit of nostalgia, to take back some of his youth. Feeding his brother coffee could only help that mission. He smirked at his brothers, and Hoenir paled.

"Sounds like a plan." Hoenir shook his head, trying to disentangle himself from Loki's arm, but stopping when the arm became a snake.

"I don't think I shall like this… coffee. Perhaps we should miss that and observe the celebrations instead?" Loki laughed, tugging him through the swirling portal Skuld had created.

"Don't be ridiculous Hoenir! We aren't going to be observing the celebrations at all!" Hoenir was now worried and confused, which was his default state on these quests. It was kind of nice to be back on familiar ground. Odin was now blatantly grinning as he followed them through the portal.

"We're going to join in!" Behind them Skuld rolled her eyes as she closed the spell and prepared for the journey back.

XXXX

Loki wasn't sure where they were this time, all he knew was that it wasn't the same city they had visited before. This was a smaller, more suburban town, covered in snow. It was late at night, but street lights kept the area sufficiently lit.

Several groups of people were still moving around, wrapped up warmly against the cold. Odin was also taking in his surroundings, and he nudged Loki.

"Have you been here before?" Loki shook his head.

"No… this is nothing like the place I went to with Thor. Give me a minute and I can find out a little more." One of the groups had wandered closer, and now they could see that it was comprised mostly of middle aged and old women.

They all seemed reasonably happy, despite the frigid air and snow underfoot. Loki decided that this was because of the Yule celebrations. However, dipping into their minds he was surprised to realise that they knew nothing about Yule. He took a few steps back, a little surprised. "I… I think we missed Yule." Odin rounded on him, startled and angry.

"What? How could we have missed Yule?" Loki shrugged, getting over it and fishing a little deeper.

"I don't know… I don't think the humans worship Yule anymore. These ones don't seem to know anything about it." Odin stared incredulously at the group of women as they hurried on down the street.

"How far into the future have we come?" Hoenir rested a hand on his shoulder, a little unsettled by that turn of events as well.

"Don't worry brother. This is merely one small part of a large world. In other areas surely they must remember us." Odin nodded slowly, pulling himself together.

"What shall we do? If we have missed the festivities that is." Loki frowned thoughtfully, still watching the women. They had arrived at the door of a nearby house, but rather than going in they had collected on the doorstep and appeared to be waiting.

"Wait a moment… something is happening. Perhaps instead of Yule they have a new celebration?" A half smile crossed Odin's face.

"It's a little humbling to realise that we have been forgotten. But since we're here, let us see what has replaced us." Loki rolled his eyes, elbowing the Allfather.

"If you're going to be all mopey and serious I'll just rename you Hoenir."

"Hey!" Hoenir tried to frown reproachfully at Loki, but he was having a hard time not smiling. Odin chuckled, slinging an arm around Loki's shoulders.

"No need for such drastic measures yet, my friend. Maybe we should give them reason to remember us?" A wicked grin crossed Loki's lips, but before shit could go down, the door to the house the women were at opened, and the whole group broke into song.

The gods paused to stare at this seemingly random occurrence. Oddly enough, the people inside the house didn't seem to object to this obvious display of public insanity. They smiled and listened to the songs. Hoenir frowned, folding his arms.

"This is very strange behaviour." Loki nodded slowly, still trying to work out what the fuck was going on.

"Do you think it's part of the celebration?" Odin shrugged, stroking his chin thoughtfully.

"Perhaps… it looks intriguing." Hoenir knew exactly what that look meant, and although he already knew it was hopeless he held on to the vague chance that this time, just maybe Odin would listen to him.

"No… It wouldn't be fun. Or interesting. It's too cold to walk around singing! And we don't know any of the appropriate songs!"

Just pause for a moment and imagine how effective that was. That's right, not at all. The others didn't even seem to hear him. Loki grinned, already fishing for lyrics.

"Let's give it a shot." Odin smirked, pulling his travelling cloak tight again. He had bluntly refused the norns' suggestions for new clothing, and as such all three looked quite out of place.

Loki and Hoenir had been bundled into giant puffy winter coats half way through the transfer, but since Odin was the king of bad assery he just whipped out his spear and killed the coat that came for him. We digress.

Loki placed a hand on Odin and Hoenir's head to transfer the information to them. Hoenir squirmed under the mental download, but Odin was so used to Loki's shit by now that he didn't even blink.

Once all three knew the words (they could have actually legitimately learned them, but that just wouldn't be as fun), Odin and Loki grabbed Hoenir by the wrists and dragged him out onto the street with the ease of long practice.

Hoenir didn't actually need dragging, as by now he had gotten used to the fact that he couldn't actually stop either of the other two when they wanted to do something. Picking a house at random, Odin knocked on the door and the three waited for someone to answer. Hoenir made one last ditch attempt.

"Guys, this isn't a good idea… we should go and watch for a while! To see if we get it right!" But then the door was opened by a little old lady, and Odin and Loki broke into song. Technically they both had exactly the same information, and to give credit where it's due, they were both singing the same words.

They were just singing them at different speeds, in different pitches, to a different rhythm. The old lady watched them with a bemused look on her face, and Loki elbowed Hoenir hard.

"Sing along!" Hoenir gave the old lady an apologetic smile and hissed back.

"No! I'm not good at singing!" Loki resumed the song, this time at Odin's pace, and Odin paused.

"Doesn't matter, it's the spirit of the thing!" Hoenir shook his head and opened his mouth to refuse, but Loki just elbowed him again.

"Shut up and sing, Hoenir!" Hoenir rolled his eyes, and took up where Loki had left off.

Odin and Loki both paused to turn and stare at Hoenir. He had lied. He had SO lied. Hoenir had a beautiful singing voice. Not that the other two were horrendously bad, they just sounded horrendously bad when they were trying to duet at different speeds and different pitches.

The little old lady finally seemed to understand what they were doing as she smiled widely.

"Oh, you're carollers! How lovely. Tell you what dears, I have some hats left over from when my girls left home, they're no use to me here so why don't you pop them on?" She disappeared into the house while Hoenir hesitantly finished the song. There was a moment of awkward silence. Then Loki patted Hoenir on the back.

"Well don't you just sing like a girls choir. I think that was the prettiest thing I ever heard." Odin snickered, folding his arms and grinning at his brother.

"Yeah, you realise that when we get home we have to tell everyone else about this discovery." Hoenir sighed, hanging his head in some kind of shame of his amazing singing voice.

"That's what I was afraid of…" Just then the old woman returned with two fluffy red Santa hats and a set of reindeer antlers.

She handed them to Loki, who stared at them like they were made of pure devil magic, wished them a "Merry Christmas" whatever Christmas was, and closed the door in their faces. Because you see she didn't want to let any more of the cold night air into her house.

Loki regarded the hats for a while longer, and Odin frowned down at them as well.

"So… who gets the antlers?" Loki shrugged, trying on a Santa hat. It was actually quite warm, and nicely fuzzy.

"Don't care, as long as it isn't me." There was a brief moment of silence, which Hoenir broke.

"Here, let me just say what you're thinking. Let's make Hoenir wear them, we haven't messed with him enough yet today anyway." The other two stared at him. Apparently Hoenir's gotten sassy since he was living with the Vanir.

So since they weren't actually doing anything, he just took the antlers because if he was going to do it anyway he may as well rock those antlers. In a manner similar to that of a professional person at the top of their field. Otherwise known as LIKE A BOSS. (This is why the author shouldn't be allowed to write/exist after reading on BetterMyths all day).

Gradually a wide smile spread across Odin's face, so contagiously that it spread all the way to Loki's as well. The Allfather let out a loud laugh, turning to walk away from the house and wrapping an arm around his brother's shoulders.

"It seems that living with the Vanir has worked out well for you Hoenir! Perhaps I should thank them." Loki snickered, stuffing his hands in his pockets as he followed them back to the street.

"For bad-ass-ifying him? Yeah, probably." At this point he realised that one of his hands wouldn't fit into his pocket because he was still holding the remaining Santa hat. The one that was fated to go on Odin's head.

Naturally the only solution to this problem was to violently body check Odin from behind and force the hat onto his head. This plan would have worked out perfectly if only it didn't involve violent body checking.

Since Odin wasn't prepared for this, he actually stumbled and fell into a snow bank, beginning a brief bout of actual wrestling over the hat.

Hoenir, who had the presence of mind to duck out from under his brother's arm the second he realised that he didn't know exactly where Loki was, considered trying to stop them.

Most of the time on these quests that was his main role, to run around after his brothers and try to stop them from messing up everything in the vicinity and then taking the consequences. But as has been previously mentioned, living with the Vanir (and possibly also the lack of proximity to a pair of maniacs) was good for Hoenir.

So instead of doing the usual panicking and failing to calm things down bit, he just leant against a handy streetlight and watched the others fighting in the snow. Loki almost made it to his feet, only to body tackle Odin again, letting out some kind of weird war cry.

Odin responded with a war cry of his own, jamming a handful of snow down the back of Loki's coat, making the trickster scream. Hoenir chuckled, shaking his head. Honestly, looking at them now you'd never know that these two were actually gods. Trips to Midgard were a wonderful stress reliever.

Actually, watching his brothers wrestle in the snow like children was pretty funny, and before long Hoenir was flat out laughing as he watched them fight. The hat that had started it all was now lying discarded in the snow at his feet, but Hoenir couldn't be asked to do anything about it.

People were also starting to stare at them, but Hoenir didn't really care about that either. It was oddly freeing to be able to do that, to just decide that he didn't give a crap. That was probably why Loki does it so often.

Freakishly enough it was about then that something on the street happened that was even weirder than two grown men having an all-out battle to the pneumonia (death wasn't likely, but oh the flu was already plotting against them).

A group of three young women that Loki might have recognised if Odin hadn't presently been pushing his face into a pile of snow came walking down the street, pulling a cart behind them. On the cart was what at first glance appeared to be a snowman. On closer inspection, it turned out to be a young man with a large floppy hat, whose body had literally been encased in snow.

All four of them were singing at the top of their lungs, drawing almost as many stares as Odin and Loki. As they passed Hoenir, the girl with the blue hair paused in her singing to give him a wide grin. She darted briefly away from the rest of the group.

"Hey, are those your friends fighting?" She gestured over her shoulder at Odin and Loki, who were now rolling over each other to try and gain superiority. Hoenir grinned back, shaking his head happily.

"Worse, I'm afraid. My brothers." The girl looked a little surprised by this, but she got over it very quickly. She passed him a small back of squishy coloured shapes.

"Well, I figured you shouldn't be a spectator without snacks. Have some marshmallows. Oh, and merry Christmas!" Hoenir accepted the bag curiously, giving her a bright smile of his own.

"Merry Christmas to you too." She waved goodbye, running back over to her friends and picking up the song from where they were.

Now that he actually listened to it, Hoenir realised that it wasn't actually a Christmas song. It didn't sound like any of the ones Loki had downloaded into his brain. It didn't actually sound particularly festive.

But they appeared to be having fun, so Hoenir decided not to question it. Instead he went back to watching Odin and Loki wrestling in the snow.

Yes, it was immature behaviour that wasn't really befitting of their status as gods. But it reminded him of a simpler time, when all he had to worry about was keeping this pair of idiots alive.

Not that that wasn't hard in and of itself, but Hoenir couldn't resist the fond smile that had hijacked his lips. Life was good.

XXXXX

HK: Love me I posted on Christmas! Never mind that it's short and kinda shitty and probably the cheesiest happy ending bs I've ever written. But whatever your holiday is (mine isn't actually Christmas but hey, my family likes it and I like presents and happiness and time off school and work so I'm down), make it a freakin' sweet one, because who knows! Maybe the world will end and this will be our last Christmas/Kwanza/wtfever. Pfft, yeah right. But have an awesome day anyway, for no reason other than because we can. :) Spread the love guys!


	8. 08 Wenching

HK: Sorry about not posting last week Mitelia and anyone else who's reading this like a freaking spy… I'm afraid I've recently had all my free time captured by my first manga love, Samurai Deeper Kyo. It was the first thing that ever got me into fan fiction, sort of the reason I'm on this site actually, and… to be honest I haven't fangirled so hard I started dancing for about five or six years now, and I did that last night while reading the manga. So sorry guys, I'll try to keep posting the chapters I have, but I won't be writing more for a while. Allow me to make up for it with wenching!

In unrelated news, I totally recommend the SDK manga to anyone who can actually read. The anime? Fuck that. READ THE MANGA AND FAN SPAZ WITH ME! XD It starts out a little slow, but if you can get past the first two volumes 3 will probably hook you.

Disclaimer: I'm just gonna do these like a normal person now… lame… but oh well! I have discovered that there's a limited amount you can do when it's actually your god (or at least his homies) you'd be fucking with. So I don't own anything.

WARNINGS! Alcohol, stupidity, male prostitution! Because everyone likes those things. Freyr and Loki are bad people. :P Also! I recently learned that Freyr may not be as well behaved as the myths seem to indicate. A direct quote says that he "bestows peace and pleasure on the mortals". :P Well now Freyr.

XXXXX

Almost a month after the spectacle with the fireworks, Freyr and Loki finally managed to suck up to Skuld enough to go on their wenching trip. For the first time in their three trips, they didn't go with clothes the norns had devised.

Instead Loki created them some clothing from raw filament and they dressed to kill. He based the design partly on what they had seen on the street, and partly on his own judgement. Freyr loved it. Urd loved it. Even Verdandi loved it.

Skuld rolled her eyes and seemed exasperated. Freyr ended up with a pair of tight black jeans and a forest green button up shirt, of which he only did up the middle three buttons. The shirt matched his eyes almost exactly, and Loki did something to his short blonde hair to make it wave.

Loki was dressed partially to match in some tight black jeans of his own, but his shirt was also black. It was a tank top, mostly in black with a bright red flame design licking at the bottom of the shirt and sending sparks up to the level of his pecs.

He shortened his hair for the occasion, tying it back in a ponytail as he seemed to find himself doing when they visited Midgard. After even Skuld could find nothing too damning to say about them, they left.

It was already night in the future of Midgard, and the city they landed in was alive with bright neon lights. All around them various bars and clubs offered a taste of the night life, and the street was full of people looking for a good time. It was a very good night to be a god.

Picking a bar at random, Freyr led the way in. The interior of the bar was like nothing either god had ever seen before. It was almost as dark as the night outside, which admittedly was fairly well lit. Only the long counter of the bar itself was lit by any decent illumination, however, and the remainder of the tables and large open dance floor were lit only by strobe lights, disco balls, and brightly coloured laser displays.

The club was packed, and there were already plenty of bodies gyrating on the open floor. At one end of the floor was a small platform with three stripper poles spaced at even intervals, and occasionally one of the dancers would look over with interest. For the most part though the stage remained empty.

Freyr and Loki paused in the door for a moment, taking in the scene. Neither was completely sure what to think. All Freyr knew was that he liked it. A lot.

Seeing as it was the closest thing to anything they had seen on Midgard before, the gods went to the bar first, looking in confusion at the large array of drinks behind the counter. Even their own liberated stash seemed small in comparison.

Loki ordered drinks for them both, picking a few names from the sign at random and they turned to survey the room. A few moments later the barman put their drinks beside them, and Loki gave him some Midgardian money borrowed from an unfortunate man on the street who was too drunk to notice his pocket being picked.

The two gods took a moment out from the chaos to examine their drinks. Freyr's seemed to be steaming slightly, although the glass was frosty cold to the touch, but at least that was more reassuring than Loki's, which was an alarming shade of blue. It bubbled occasionally.

They exchanged dubious looks, and then Loki shrugged, leaning in to be heard above the loud pulses of music filling the room.

"It probably can't kill us." Freyr didn't appear to be particularly comforted by this, but he still lifted his glass and clinked against Loki's. They drained their glasses, and spent a moment in contemplative silence. Freyr shrugged eventually, putting the glass back on the counter.

"Not bad." Loki stuck his tongue out at his own glass, looking back out into the crowds on the dance floor.

"I'll have that one next time then. What do you suppose they're doing?" Another long moment of contemplative silence later, Freyr spoke up.

"I… believe… they might be dancing. Yes. It looks like dancing." Loki nodded determinedly.

"I want to try it." Freyr glanced over at the forming grind chain and chuckled.

"Somehow I'm not surprised." Loki gave him a charming grin as he jumped down from his stool.

"Gonna join me?" The fertility god looked over the dance floor again. There was probably a god of this too, somewhere. This entire place was a sort of perverse temple to alcohol and carnality. Freyr would quite like to meet them. They would probably have a lot in common with Loki. Or maybe him.

Shaking his head, Freyr grinned back at his friend, slipping off of his stool as well.

"Why not. So how are we keeping score?" Loki shrugged happily, already eying the women in the room.

"Quantity or quality?" Freyr shrugged back, joining Loki in his ogling.

"Both. Tell you what…" Loki glanced back at him just as a particularly thumping beat filled the room. Freyr's eyes gleamed. "Let's just get started and work it all out later." Loki's smile spread across his face, growing ever more gleeful.

"Agreed." And the two separated, heading out onto the dance floor. The women wouldn't know what hit them. Nor would the men, if they got too close to Loki.

XXXX

Freyr vanished first, taking a giggling young woman who could only be twenty out into a convenient alley behind the bar. Loki noticed, but he was far too busy grinding with a young woman of his own to notice. He disappeared not long after.

A respectable amount of time later, Freyr and Loki met up at the bar, and ordered another two drinks at random. They exchanged looks, and Freyr broke first. He grinned widely.

"Very young, very flexible. You?" Loki chuckled, taking a sip of a decidedly less disturbing looking drink.

"Experienced, if nothing else. Shall we hit them again?" Freyr surveyed the crowd, noticed the young woman he had taken outside meeting up with a tall young man who had the word "boyfriend" written all over him, and grinned.

"Why not."

XXXX

After quite literally making their way through every woman in the bar (and, of course, some of the men), Freyr and Loki moved on to the next club. And the next. And the next.

Loki soon decided that he loved the dancing part almost as much as the other parts, and so they only went to the clubs which had a loud, rhythmic beat blasting into the streets. Occasionally they met up at a table or a bar to knock back a few drinks and compare notes.

"Twins." Freyr was still grinning all over his face, and Loki swore, disappearing into the crowd. That would be hard to beat.

"Triplets." The fertility god raised an eyebrow, genuinely impressed.  
>"Seriously?" Loki nodded, feeling justified.<br>"Seriously."

Loki rubbed the red marks on his wrists, but he was still smiling.  
>"Bondage fetish." Freyr raised an eyebrow, and Loki held up his wrists to demonstrate.<p>

Freyr looked a little disturbed as he sank into a seat. Loki frowned, passing him his drink with a look of concern.  
>"You okay?" Freyr shook his head, eyes still wide.<br>"No. I got snowballed." Loki tilted his head, confused.  
>"What?" Freyr sighed, leaning over to whisper in his ear. Loki's eyes widened as well to the point where it was almost comical. "Dude. Gross."<p>

All of the trauma from being snowballed was gone the next time Freyr sat. He was positively glowing. Loki glanced over, pushing a drink towards him.  
>"What?" Freyr grinned.<br>"Virgin."  
>"Dude."<p>

"Body builder." Freyr looked at Loki's grin, and snickered.  
>"You took it, didn't you?" Loki raised an eyebrow at him.<br>"What, you think I walk like a penguin for fun?"

"Police woman." Loki glanced up curiously.  
>"What?" Freyr grinned.<br>"They keep the peace. With handcuffs." The trickster sat up, intrigued.  
>"On duty?"<br>"Off."

XXXX

"On duty." Freyr looked from the police man's hat on the table, up to Loki who was looking a little tired by now, but still grinning widely.

"You got his hat?" Loki snickered, sitting carefully.

"I got more than that. I severely pity you for never getting to find out what your prostate does."

XXXX

Finally Freyr half turned to Loki.

"Wanna go home?" Loki shrugged, waving half-heartedly at a few straggling hookers.

"Yeah. It's gonna be light soon anyway." Freyr sighed and nodded.

"That was fun." Loki grinned and stretched.

"Yup. We should do it again some time." Freyr glanced over at his friend, a half smile on his face.

"The drinking stupid crap while it's on fire, or the dancing and fucking?" Loki pretended to consider it for a moment.

"The wenching. Duh." Freyr considered this for a while.

"Both. Nice choice." Loki laughed, turning and looking up the street.

"Come on… I'm sure Skuld can't wait to see us." Freyr groaned, holding his head.

"I dunno if I can deal with her now… I think I drank too much." His friend grinned, grabbing his friend's arm and leading him out into the street.

"I know we drank too much. That's half the fun. Come on, I'll do the talking."

XXXXX

HK: I'm not actually sure why Loki says "dude" so much this chapter. :P I blame the alcohol. :P Also! I have to ask you guys to actually review this time, not for my ego, but for the sake of this story. IT WILL BECOME THOR/LOKI (Thor/Loki/Sif if my brain gets too fucked over). I have already almost finished that section. The question is: Should it get graphic? Because I have two directions I can go in here, and I'd like to know if anyone will particularly enjoy some graphic Thor/Loki smut or stop reading if there is any. Just letting you know, if I get a conclusive answer I will probably get back to writing for this fic soon. Mostly because Thor/Loki gives me the giggles, whether it's only heavily implied or not.


	9. 09 The Phantom

HK: I never should have called my cat Loki. He's such a troll! The other day my friend read the Haunted Majora's Mask story that's floating around, and it freaked her out to the point where she couldn't sleep alone. So what does my Loki do? Wait until she almost falls asleep, then hurtle down the hall, into the room and jump on her! All night. Such a little troll. XD He's also worked out how to open the bathroom door after I've locked it from the inside. 0.o And then he winks at me. Also! Sorry I missed my schedule again, I'm afraid I've been completely stolen away... so thanks to James Hiwatari for poking me into remembering! I'm not just begging for reviews guys, I literally forgot this existed until he reminded me... :P Stupid exams...

Disclaimer: I still don't own anything… except for the aforementioned cat.

WARNINGS! Why do I let my brain take so many drugs? Still a lot of crack, this time in the guise of Thor being a romantic (SHOCK HORROR).

Don't worry James, once I get past the point I've written to I'll start experimenting with the dialogue a bit!

NOTE: I blame this chapter entirely on the 25 year anniversary production of the Phantom of the Opera. HOLY GOD IT WAS AMAZING I SAW IT TWICE. Buy it on DVD. XD There was a really funny moment actually, because at the end of the show they had 4 of the previous Phantoms come out to sing for us (OMFGUB the young one was so damn squeaky I cracked up but I still loved him). But anyway, one of the old Phantoms was singing this really long, dramatic note, and to our surprise a bunch of stars started swirling around him! It worked so well we all thought it was deliberate until he was blotted out by the huge Galaxy logo. XDDDDDD

XXXXX

A few days later, Loki and Thor were hanging out in Thor's house. They had just finished moving the still unfinished remains of Baldur's furniture to Loki's house, since Sif was sick of having it lying around. She had sort of expected them to finish it, but no one could hold a grudge like Loki.

Unlike Sif, Sigyn didn't really care if the furniture was in her house as long as it wasn't in the way. Baldur wasn't all that impressed. He had been trying to bug Loki and Thor into doing it for him. Without noticeable success.

He kept threatening to go to Odin again, but so far he hadn't actually done it. Not after the response he got the first time.

Having completed their assigned task, at least the one Sif had assigned them (the hell with Baldur), the boys were now chilling out in the kitchen, drinking their usual mead.

Normally they wouldn't set foot in the kitchen, but Magni and Modi had somehow managed to paint the entire front room in mud (quite a bit got on Baldur's furniture before they moved it, but that had been Loki's fault not the twins).

Sif was not impressed, and had banished everyone from the front half of the house until the twins had cleaned it up. Loki was getting bored. Fortunately, he was ever ready to find something to distract him. He brightened up, finishing his mead.

"Say Thor… fancy a trip to Midgard?" Thor frowned thoughtfully at his friend.

"Not if you plan on going wenching again." Loki waved a hand dismissively at him.

"No, no. This is an idea I got from the wenching trip. One of the women I was with mentioned something that's apparently very big down there. It's a show called the Phantom of the Opera. Wanna go and see it?" Thor did not look impressed.

"What manner of thing is this "show"?" Loki considered this. It was hard to put the idea Kelly had conveyed into words that Thor would understand. Finally he settled on,

"It's like a saga. A story, except instead of being told by a skald it's acted out by lots of people. And they sing." Thor thought about this for a while. His big brow furrowed, and he didn't look exactly thrilled.

Loki tried not to be disappointed. From the way the girls had described it, the Phantom had some of the most powerfully beautiful pieces of music in the world. After the pulsing beats in the clubs, he had become very interested in the music of the future Earth.

Of course, this wasn't exactly the kind of thing Thor was likely to be interested in, but Loki very highly doubted Skuld would let him go to Midgard alone and he needed to watch her do it a few more times before he could master the spell for himself. After a while Thor frowned at him.

"What kind of story is it with song?" Loki shrugged, a little unclear on this himself.

"I don't know. It's about a singer, and a man who lives in an opera house. It's better than it sounds." Thor looked distinctly sceptical, but just then Sif stormed into the room, looking furious.

"Where are Magni and Modi!" Thor jumped to his feet straight away, ignoring Loki as he snickered.

"I don't know… in the sitting room?" Sif shook her head, sweeping the room with a burning gaze.

"No, they are not, and there is still mud all over the place! When you find them, tell them they have another twenty minutes to finish cleaning the sitting room or I will be very, very angry!"

"You aren't now?" The married couple made the group decision to ignore Loki. Thor shuffled awkwardly.

"Actually… Loki and I are going out now my love. We are going on another trip to Midgard." Loki brightened up significantly.

"To see the Phantom?" Thor shot him a brief frown.

"Sure." Loki had to resist the distinctly feminine urge to giggle. He bounced to his feet, actually daring to skip over and give Sif a brief kiss on the cheek.

"Sorry darling, I'm gonna steal your man away for a little while. Don't worry though, if it's any good I swear we'll bring you along next." Sif gave him a furious, indignant glare and actually swung at him.

Loki dodged with the ease of about a hundred lifetime's practice, then had to run from the room as her husband took up the chase. Sif scowled after them for a moment, and reluctantly shook her head. An unwilling smile curled her lip.

She knew Loki was only teasing her, but his playfulness never ceased to cheer her up. She shook her head, forcing a glare back onto her face. It wouldn't do to be smiling when she finally caught up with the two boys.

It was hard enough to keep any kind of authority when either of the twins individually could pick her up and carry her over his head.

XXXX

For once, Skuld was remarkably cooperative.

"The Phantom of the Opera? I have always wanted to go and see it in person… I shall let you go at once, and if you think you can convince Odin to let us all go, I would be very grateful."

Loki actually took a step back, away from the suddenly scarily smiling young woman. He was quite sure he had never seen her smile at him before… at least, not at him when it wasn't at his expense.

"Uh… thank you?" For once his silver tongue seemed to fail him, and it was Thor who bowed, bringing the volva's hand to his lips.

"We are grateful for your assistance. We will try to convince Odin to allow, if not all of us, at least you to go." Loki remained in a state of mild shock until they actually arrived on Midgard.

Unlike their earlier trips, which had apparently brought them to the middle of summer, it appeared to be winter now. While not as cold as the North where they habitually visited in their own time, a bitingly cold wind still made them pull their coats tighter around their bodies.

Loki privately thanked whatever fates looked after the gods that they had allowed the norn to convince them that the coats were a good idea. As they made their way towards the large building Skuld had assured them was the opera house, he glanced up at Thor.

"That was unusually elegant of you." Thor grunted, not looking down.

"I suppose something of you has been rubbing off on me after all. I feel like a woman." Loki wisely decided not to comment, grinning all over his face as they joined the large crowd inside the building.

Apparently the Phantom was quite a popular show. A charming smile got them past the young man checking tickets (really, Loki did like how much more relaxed people were in the future. It boded so well) and into the theatre. Thor settled into his seat, frowning at the large room.

"I do not think this is going to be as interesting as you believe." Loki shrugged, eyes also bouncing around the room.

"Give it a chance. It says on the brochure that this is one of the greatest romances in history." Thor almost got to his feet and left right away.

"I have no interest whatsoever in this feminine drivel!" Loki grabbed his arm, pulling him back down to his seat.

"Give it a chance, Thor. We may as well, unless you want to go back to your wife." Thor paused, then sat back down, glaring at the stage distrustfully.

XXXX

An hour and fifteen minutes later, Thor was in tears. The lights came on for the intermission, and Loki was startled to realise that his friend was really crying. He wasn't alone; several of the other men and women had teared up. But Loki hadn't expected to see Thor in tears.

For once in his life, Loki didn't say anything. He slipped out of his seat quietly, and found the place where he could buy two strawberry ice creams. Still without a word, he returned to their seats and gave Thor an ice cream. Thor didn't as much as look at him, taking the treat with a grunt of thanks.

They sat in silence for the next twenty minutes until the lights went out and the show resumed.

XXXX

Approximately an hour later, Thor surged to his feet, pointing angrily at the stage.

"Bull shit!" There was a brief pause, during which even the actors looked around nervously. Loki, who felt the same way but was a little more discreet, groaned, grabbing Thor by the arm.

"Sit down, they aren't done yet!" Thor shook him off, still glaring adamantly at the actors.

"No! She should stay with the Phantom, to hell with the namby pamby little bitch!" The actor playing Raoul took a few steps back, and several members of the audience cheered their support. Another few were yelling for Thor to sit down, but they went ignored.

Seeing that he had support made it even harder for Loki to persuade Thor to sit down. Partially because he wasn't sure he disagreed all that much. Still, he grabbed Thor's arm again.

"Look, there's still more of the play to watch, so maybe she does. You'd know if you'd just sit down and let them get on with it!" A quick glance around showed two or three uniformed men moving nervously towards them. Just like before, they didn't seem over eager to confront the seven foot tall man. "We're gonna get kicked out of the theatre if you don't sit down, and then you'll never know how it ends. Is that what you want?"

Thor finally tore his eyes away from the stage, glaring down at his friend.

"No," he ground out. He didn't appreciate being made to look like a child in front of such a large crowd, but then again… He sat down, somewhat reluctantly. A middle aged woman from the row in front of them turned, stage whispering in the resoundingly silent theatre.

"I agree with you, you know. But she won't do it. It's such a tragedy." Thor sniffed dismissively.

"Then she has terrible taste." The woman chuckled.

"No argument from me, sweetie." Somewhat nervously, the actors resumed from where they had left off. It didn't have quite the same pizzazz, but it was still quite powerful.

XXXX

Thor was still disgruntled when they left. True to the word of the middle aged lady, Christine Daae had indeed chosen Raoul over the Phantom.

Loki had never seen his friend so emotionally affected by anything in his life. He looked genuinely upset as they walked down the street, back towards the place they had arrived. He even looked deep in thought, something Loki had been quite sure that he would never see.

When they arrived back in Asgard, Thor walked past Skuld without a word, marching directly along the path back to the city. It was up to Loki, as it usually was, to pause and make the explanations.

"Thank you so much for letting us go. If I have anything to say about it, and I will, we'll all be going as soon as possible, yourself included. Start getting ready." Without pausing to hear her reply, Loki ran out after Thor.

Predictably, the first stop the thunder god made was at his own house. He marched into the sitting room, where Sif had apparently located Magni and Modi. She was standing over the twins as they scraped mud from the floor.

Thor marched in, ignored the boys and the fact that he still had snow on his boots (Magni and Modi protested loudly in the way that only seven year olds could) and swept his wife into his arms.

"You will come with us. You have to see this." Sif looked a little surprised, jolted out of her bad mood again. Curse the men in her life for doing that.

"What are you talking about?" Loki grinned from the doorway.

"I'll go talk to Odin. Let you guys get ready for our trip. Bring the kids." He swung out of the hall, closing the door behind him. Then he went to spread the news throughout Asgard. Eventually he even got around to telling his wife.

XXXX

After the show had finished for the second time, all of the Aesir were buzzing as they streamed out of the theatre. Up ahead of them, a pair of very familiar girls were walking arm in arm, singing at the top of their lungs. It wasn't exactly wonderful, but it was at least recognizable.

"In sleep he sang to me, in dreams he came…" A wide grin crossed Loki's face. He had an exceptional memory for music, and it seemed that he only had to hear it twice to remember the words because he walked over, slinging an arm around each girls' shoulders as he joined in at the Phantom's part.

"Sing once again with me, our strange duet…" his voice was strong and surprisingly deep when he sang, and although both girls jumped when he touched them, the red head soon grinned, relaxing and singing along.

Her black haired friend gradually relaxed as well, and the three of them sang to the end of the song, watched with some amusement by the Aesir.

Freyr had jogged over to join in as well, although since he couldn't remember the words quite as well as Loki he ended up merely going as high as he could for the climatic "Sing for me!" He at least managed better than the girls, who gave up and giggled as Freyr did his level best.

By the end of the song, all four were fighting laughter and losing horribly. The red head rolled her eyes, lightly shoving Loki on the shoulder.

"I run into you in any more weird places and I'm gonna think you're stalking me." Her voice was light and teasing, so Loki assumed she didn't mind. He grinned back at her, linking arms with Freyr.

"I could say the same to you. Should I be worried?" Loki asked, tilting his head and smirking. The girl rolled her eyes again, grabbing her own friend by the arm.

"Definitely. Night!" The two girls disappeared into the night, and the rest of the gods rejoined Freyr and Loki. Odin was smirking, and not even bothering to hide it.

"You seem to get along quite well with the mortals of this time, my brother." His eye shone with amusement. If only they had some kind of device to record Loki and Freyr making a fool of themselves singing… it was not to be. Not yet.

Loki himself shrugged, grinning at his blood brother.

"I do my best to get along with everyone, Allfather. Shall we return? I'm sure Heimdall is growing lonely." Surprisingly enough, Loki actually sounded a little concerned about the gate keeper.

No one really expected to hear that. They were much too used to thinking of Loki as the cheerful trickster, uncaring of who was harmed by his pranks, thinking of no one but himself.

Admittedly this was true quite a lot of the time. It just never meant that he couldn't care for a lonely friend. Heimdall was pretty much the only friend he had that he didn't really want to fuck. A platonic friend was a new and interesting experience for the trickster.

XXXXX

HK: XD Sorry about that last bit guys, I've just had this image in my head of Freyr and Loki rocking out… so I gave them a convenient excuse. :P But please, do leave me a review! They're like gold to me, and in this sense I'm a dwarf. Or maybe a dragon. Yeah, I'll be a dragon. So add to my hoard! Well thought out reviews are the only way an author can grow!


	10. 10 I Wanna Take You To A Gay Bar

HK: I blame the hell out of James Hiwatari for this. :P Also for the lateness. :P Just kidding James, I love you! But since he was the only person who answered the question of explicit Loki/Thor, I'm afraid that's what you're getting here. The smut scene is the only part that hasn't been written since November, but if it's any consolation I only finished it yesterday so I wasn't deliberately holding out on you! Man, smut scenes are hard to write when they involve the god you actively worship… who knew? :P So I'm giving y'all a quick warning now, THERE WILL BE SEX. THERE IS A SEX SCENE. IT IS LOKI/THOR. LOKI TAKES IT LIKE A BITCH. (How the hell am I still alive?) Please, if you dislike slash, do go ahead and read anyway. Flame me. I always find it so funny how flamers try to insult people and usually call them stupid for what they've written. Especially since there's almost always a warning in the author's note. Well done geniuses! You've only wasted your time, since I'm certainly not wasting mine by caring. Constructive criticism on the other hand, like dear James and SnigePippi give me, are much appreciated.

Disclaimer: is apparently unnecessary! Who knew?

WARNINGS! GAY. BUTT. SEX. BETWEEN THOR AND LOKI. THEY ARE GETTING IT ON. In case anyone missed that. :P

Oh, and to get an idea of what Thor looks like, I sorta based his outfit off of Jason Momoa. Specifically off his character Ronon Dex from Stargate Atlantis.

XXXX

There was something about the future of Midgard that was just too intriguing to Loki. He didn't seem to be able to go more than a few weeks without finding another reason for a visit.

This may have been because of all the interesting technology that no one had ever seen before, it may have been the standards that were considerably more lax than those of the Aesir.

It may have just been for the food.

Whatever it was, it was only a few days before Loki found another excuse to visit. Although actually, this visit would also serve as an excuse to do something he had wanted to do for a very long time. So it was sort of an excuse within an excuse.

Naturally, Loki wasn't about to let Thor know this, as Thor was the subject of his hidden excuse. As far as the thunder god knew, Loki was just bored of Asgard, and wanted to go drinking with his friend.

Thor really didn't have anything better to do at the time (balls to Baldur's furniture, it was currently gathering dust at Loki's house) so he gladly agreed to go drinking in the mortal world with his buddy, on the condition that there was absolutely no wenching involved.

Loki, who had only been planning to wench one very specific person, gladly agreed to this stipulation. Since when did he keep his promises anyway? Another very good reason for them to take this trip was that Loki thought he had finally worked out how Skuld was sending them through time.

What better way to find out than to test it on themselves? Actually Thor could think of several better ways, but before he could say anything Loki had kissed his wife goodbye and done the spell. Sif hadn't been best pleased, but there wasn't all that much she could do about it until the guys got back. And by then she wouldn't be angry anymore. Loki's clearly the smart one here.

XXX

Thor considered kicking Loki's ass when they arrived in the future Midgard. But he was more interested in finding out precisely where the hell they were first. Fortunately, they seemed to be in about the same place they usually arrived.

It was summer again on Midgard, so Loki hadn't used precisely the same spell (he had made some adjustments because balls to snow). All in all, it seemed to have gone quite well.

Loki grinned, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his extremely tight black jeans. His pants were fairly jingling with chains every time he walked, and in place of an actual shirt he was wearing a fish net shirt. Thus the reasoning behind balls to winter.

He had a lot of studded leather bracelets around his wrists, and he had borrowed a fashion tip from a group of girls he had seen several times; a leather dog collar was wrapped around his neck with a silver chain hanging from it. He looked like a bondage slave. He looked fucking delicious.

Even Thor was having a hard time remembering that Loki was his friend, who he saw every day. Apparently the trickster had hidden depths, which weren't really all that hidden if you weren't naïve like Thor.

Speaking of Thor, Loki had decided to dress him as a mortal in transit to avoid attracting attention. The result was… well, let's just say Loki planned to blame being distracted if Thor questioned him.

He hadn't been, of course. Loki was quite good at multitasking, and he had dressed Thor exactly to his own tastes.

That wasn't necessarily the same as Thor's tastes, so that was why he had an excuse ready-made. Thor was wearing leather ass-less chaps (with some tight pants under them of course… Loki isn't actively suicidal) and a black button up shirt.

He at least had a nice leather jacket to go over his shirt in case of weather. Loki was just kind of planning on kidnapping some body heat if it actually got cold. Thor looked down at himself, glared at Loki.

"What is the meaning of this?" Loki shrugged innocently, taking a few steps back to look him up and down. He wanted to get at least one look in before Thor made him change it. Gods it was hard to tear his eyes away from that ass.

"Hey, I was busy focusing on having us hit the right planet, let alone time period. Be glad you're wearing anything." Thor blanched, and Loki decided to appease him a little. If he sucked up enough, maybe Thor would at least keep the chaps? "It looks pretty damn good actually… you should keep it." Thor paused, non-plussed for a moment.

"Really?" Loki shrugged, looking him over again. Someone up there had to love him… Thor was actually considering agreeing!

"Sure. We're meant to be partying, at least this way you look the part." Thor looked down at his outfit again. It did have a certain ruggedness that he kind of liked. Apparently Thor was kinky in that sense. Who knew?

"Very well." Loki stared in shock for a moment, unable to believe what had just happened. He was never this lucky!

"Really?" Thor gave him a sharp glare.

"Do you object?"

"Of course not!" Loki raised his hands, shaking his head very quickly. He couldn't quite resist the urge to grin with glee. Thor looked him over suspiciously a few times, stopping when he realised exactly how much of Loki was currently on display.

Seriously, if those pants were any lower the trickster would probably be arrested for public indecency. Gradually he gave up, shaking his head with a slight smile on his face.

"Shall we then?" Loki tried, but he really could not stop the ridiculous grin that was creeping across his face. Thor was going for it. He had never in his wildest dreams thought that Thor would actually keep wearing the ass-less chaps. He had thought he would be lucky to get away without a beating. But no, Thor was gonna do it.

Tonight was going to be awesome. He was finally gonna get to check out the rave bars that Freyr hadn't even wanted to touch.

XXX

Being so very trusting, Thor let Loki order all of the drinks. He figured that since Loki was the only one who could read the menus, he would know best. As such Loki managed to get Thor reasonably tipsy within a few hours, a feat which usually took all night.

When he judged that his companion was drunk enough, he managed to locate a gay bar sufficiently dark enough that their outfits would fit in. It was almost scarily easy. As with the other clubs they had visited so far, the bar was badly lit, with an incredibly loud pulsating base rhythm.

Thor hadn't shown much interest in dancing yet, but given the abundance of under dressed men gyrating on the dance floor, Loki couldn't be expected to resist. There were plenty of women bobbing along too, but Loki wasn't in the mood for them tonight.

So for the first time, he ordered Thor a few dozen drinks to keep him company and disappeared into the crowd. It didn't take long for him to find a group of nice tall men to play with, although his thoughts remained on one specific man as he ground on one of them.

Of course most of the time Loki wasn't short himself, but since tonight he felt like being submissive, he had shrunk himself to 5'6. He was quite happily grinding on a man closer to his own usual height when Thor came stumbling into the dancing crowd.

Pushing dancers out of his way left and right, he finally reached them, one large hand closing around Loki's wrist. A quick yank almost pulled the trickster's arm from his socket, but luckily for Loki he came away from his dance partner before his arm came away from his body.

The large man looked surprised and angry, but Thor towered almost a foot over him. It would have taken an almost suicidally stupid man to argue with the thunder god, and the man Loki had been dancing with was about to let it go.

No way Loki the shit disturber could let that happen.

Looking back, he made his best puppy eyes and pouty face at the big guy. It worked like a charm. Well, it was helped along by the actual charm Loki cast on him, but since that was technically cheating pretend you didn't know about it.

Stepping forward, the large man grabbed Thor's arm. His friends were shaking their heads and trying to talk him out of it, but nothing stopped a man once Loki got his magical little claws into him.

"Hey. I was dancing with him." Thor turned, glaring drunkenly down at him. The curious part of Loki stepped back to watch what would happen next. Would Thor actually fight over him? Why had the thunder god come for him anyway? Did he just want more booze?

It might have been simpler just to ask, but since when did Loki do anything simple? Never. There was no question that Thor was full on drunk now. But the god could hold his beer well, and it barely showed as he pulled his arm free from the other man's hand without apparent effort.

"I know. I saw." This wasn't the reaction the guy had been looking for. Unsure what to do without direct conflict or further magical instruction, he shuffled from foot to foot.

"So why did you butt in? He's not your boyfriend or anything, is he?" Thor glanced down at Loki, who tried the cute puppy eyes on him too for the hell of it. Sure, his current outfit wasn't exactly conducive to cute, but who knew what might happen. It seemed to actually work a little, because Thor pressed Loki closer to him.

"No. But he is mine tonight." Something in Loki started a happy dance at those words, although he wasn't sure if Thor actually meant it. The thunder god did. Just not in the sense Loki was hoping. He was thinking more along the lines of "he's gonna buy me alcohol and have amazing fun times with me".

The idea of fucking the trickster had occurred, but it was being mulled over in the more alcohol drenched parts of his brain, which hadn't dared take the matter up with the rest of it yet.

The man wasn't too impressed by this answer.

"He's not property you know." This time it was Loki who responded, who was actually getting into the idea, the kinky little slut.

"I am for him." To prove it, he took the end of his leash and handed it to Thor. This may not have been the best idea he ever had, as while it did mean that Thor released his arm, he was now pulled back to the bar by the collar around his neck.

He got his revenge by hopping up to sit on Thor's lap instead of the bar stool. Back on the dance floor, the man they had left stood like a zombie until Loki remembered to release the spell he had put on him. Then he shook his head and went back to dancing.

Back at the bar, Thor frowned down at the god in his lap, and Loki smiled back sweetly.

"Why are you there?"

"The stool is too far away." This made no sense to the buzzed thunderer, who's brow creased with the effort of thought.

"It is not far." Loki pouted, twirling the metal chain of his leash in his hands.

"It is compared to my leash. I don't want you to choke me." Since this almost made sense (the leash was easily long enough to sit Loki on another stool, he was just being difficult), Thor decided to let it pass.

"I have finished the alcohol you ordered for me. I would like you to order some more." Loki raised an eyebrow at the soused thunder god, a little impressed that he was that coherent. Shrugging, he turned to beam at the bar tender, who was leering at him.

"Hey, so can I get… two B-52s (he tried them during the wenching trip and especially liked the "light them on fire" part), two Fireballs, six tequila shots and a Screaming Orgasm for me and my friend?" The bar tender chuckled, already working on the drinks.

"I reckon you can give him the orgasm well enough yourself, but I'll mix you the drinks." Loki grinned, adding a sizeable tip as he paid.

"We'll have to see about that." The man passed the drinks across the bar to him, still smirking as he went to serve another customer. Thor started on the booze straight away, although he stopped to watch Loki warily as he lit the matches the bar tender had left them.

Even drunk, he knew better than to leave Loki unattended near a fire.

"What are you doing?" A beatific smile of near pure evil on his face, Loki lit the B-52s.

"They're supposed to be on fire when you drink them. Now swallow it quickly, before the straw melts." Thor stared at him like he was absolutely bug fuck insane, which was close enough to the truth anyway.

"I am not drinking a burning beverage." Loki rolled his eyes, having already swallowed his.

"Don't be such a wuss. It's delicious!" (The author tried B-52s approximately 50% for the purpose of this fic. They are freaking nommy. (The other 50% had to do with the fact that you light them on fire))Thor glared between Loki and the glass, which was burning blue.

"I'm not drinking it." Loki shrugged, grabbing and chugging his as well.

"Fine. Dibs." Thor didn't really mind, instead moving on to the tequila. Loki was distracted when a very pretty young human sat next to him, smirking.

"I see you like hard core drinks." Not many people would be ballsy enough to come and chat with a guy while he was sitting in the lap of a seven foot muscular man, so this human was clearly interesting enough to be worth watching.

Since Thor was ignoring him in favour of alcohol, Loki slipped off his lap and onto the stool between Thor and the young man and favoured him with a wink.

"I like everything hard core." The young man laughed, flicking blonde hair out of his face.

"I can tell. Love your collar. So is he your dom?" Momentarily confused, Loki siphoned the information from the top of the guy's mind. Ah. His dom would be his dominant sexual partner. He shrugged, scooping one of the Fireballs towards him.

"No, just a drinking buddy. I'm currently looking for a dom, if you're in the market for a sub." The boy's smile widened, and he waved the bar tender over.

"I might be. Think your throat can handle something really hot?" Loki grinning, finishing his Fireball.

"I can handle anything you can." Since this sounded like a challenge, the boy smirked as he leaned on the counter.

"Two absinthe shots." The bar tender glanced over at Thor, who was drinking his way through the tequila, and shrugged. If the big guy cared, he'd yank his little buddy back.

"Sure. You gonna light them?" The boy raised an eyebrow at Loki, who grinned.

"Is there any other way to drink absinthe?" This got him a grin of his own from his new "friend".

"None that are worthwhile." He dipped the matches into the cups the bar tender offered, blew his out and chugged it. Loki smirked, taking his own drink and pouring it straight down his throat without putting it out.

If he were only human, he would have been very badly hurt. Fortunately for him, he's a god, and they tend to be made of sterner stuff. Both his new friend and the bar tender looked very impressed, but in a dark bar full of crazy ravers, the bar tender is never left alone for long.

The blonde boy leaned in closer, resting his hand on the bar only a centimeter away from Loki's own. The trickster was debating the likelihood of getting himself a nice dom-sandwich, with himself as the meat. Sadly Thor probably wasn't ready for this big step.

He was so distracted by the very idea though that he almost missed what the boy said.

"Sorry, what?" It didn't seem to bother the human.

"I was just asking what else you thought your throat could handle." Loki grinned widely, looking the boy up and down.

"What else have you got?" Unfortunately for the boy, whose future almost contained some literally godly head, Thor disapproved of Loki's man whoring. And he was holding the other end of Loki's leash still. A harsh yank actually had Loki falling off his stool and across Thor's lap.

"Loki! Cease this!" Loki glanced up at Thor, but decided that he couldn't be asked to get up. Any excuse to sprawl on the god of thunder. Since Loki didn't seem to mind the rough handling, the boy he had been flirting with figured he had no reason to object.

Sure, he was a little disappointed to be stopped in his flirting, but since that had opened the door for a totally awesome exit line he grinned anyway.

"Loki? Like the god?" Loki shrugged, resting his head on Thor's abs to look at the boy. It hurt his neck a little, but Loki's a masochist so it's okay.

"Sure." The boy grinned wider, getting to his feet.

"Well, if you ever break up with your boyfriend there, I'd be happy to worship you." He walked away, leaving a speechless trickster in his wake. Loki not talking was such a rare occasion that Thor even turned from his tequila to look down at the god in his lap. His brow furrowed with the effort of thought.

"Loki? Are you well?" Loki pulled himself up, staring after the kid. His expression was fast becoming a wide grin on its own.

"Well? I'm… I have to admit, I'm actually impressed. Even without knowing who I was, that was a good line." Thor didn't understand this, and didn't particularly care to. He pushed Loki off him.

"You promised me no wenching on this trip." Loki rolled his eyes, brushing himself off and getting back on his stool.

"Does that mean I'm not even allowed to talk to people?" Thor shot him a glare as Loki stole one of his shots.

"Talk all you want. But stop trying to lure mortals to your bed." Loki straightened on his stool, looking a little offended.

"I do not "lure" anyone to my bed! I don't have to. They're practically forming a line."

XXX

Unfortunately for him, Loki was a little too close to Thor to make wenching easy. Not that Loki minded all that much, but the principle was still there. He wanted to make Thor jealous. This didn't work when every time he began to talk to someone, Thor yanked him back by the collar.

After about the seventh time this happened, Loki turned and actually snapped at his friend.

"I am not a yoyo!" This time he had been flirting with a young woman (only Loki can find the one straight woman in a full gay bar), who slunk away quickly. Thor glared blurrily back. He was, without a doubt, drunk now.

"What is this "yoyo" of which you speak?" Loki rolled his eyes, grabbing the chain leash and giving it an ineffectual tug.

"Never mind. Just give me this back." To his surprise, Thor refused, gripping the chain all the tighter.

"No!" Loki paused, staring incredulously at his companion.

"Are you serious? Give it back, it's mine!" Thor actually pouted, yanking the chain towards him.

"It's shiny that makes it mine!" As before, the yank managed to pull Loki from his feet. Really, he should have thought this through before handing the chain over to Thor. He managed to catch himself with a hand on each of Thor's manly shoulders.

For a moment the two gods glared at each other, almost literally nose to nose. Suddenly Loki decided what the hell, it was Thor who kept tugging at him. Leaning closer, he placed a gentle kiss on the thunder god's lips.

With all the art he possessed, he let his tongue flicker out to trace the seam of Thor's lips, and was a little surprised when Thor opened his mouth for him. He wasn't as surprised, but extremely happy when Thor proceeded to kiss the life out of him.

In the end it was Loki who drew back for breath, pulling on another glare as he met Thor's eyes.

"Give back the leash. I am not yours." It was a little hard for Loki to keep from pouting as he spoke, but even so his glare wasn't very threatening. Thor growled, wrapping the leash tighter around his hand and pulling Loki back over to him.

"You are tonight."

XXX

Their first kiss left Loki speechless. The second left him breathless. This time it was Thor who pulled back, glaring at the small crowd who were now watching them and smirking.

"Be gone." He didn't need an audience. Loki was clinging to him, trying to catch his breath. It was a little embarrassing for the trickster, since he was usually such an accomplished Don Juan. But this… this was Thor.

Everything he did was violent and full force, and the kiss was no exception. Loki couldn't get enough of it. Pulling himself together, Loki wiped his mouth on his wrist, smirking at the humans.

"Sorry boys, he's mine." He snapped his fingers, teleporting the two to a dark room in a hotel not too far away. Once there, Thor wasted no time in pulling him in for another devastating kiss. Loki let his body mould against that of the thunder god.

Thor was far from objecting, wrapping his powerful arms around Loki as though hoping to crush them together forever. And while Loki would be perfectly happy to let him, he soon wanted more.

Pulling back from the kiss just barely enough to stop touching, he tried to catch his breath. It was hard when he could feel it when Thor breathed out against his face. Luckily the thunder god seemed prepared to wait for him, pressing their foreheads together but not trying to restart the kiss.

For once words failed him, and instead he moved to kiss Thor's neck. He felt more than heard the murmur of appreciation as Thor tilted his head back to grant him better access. Loki smiled against Thor's skin, letting his tongue flick out to lick his jugular.

Again, he felt more than heard the small sound of Thor's pleasure, and that was more than enough to encourage Loki. While not moving away from the thunder god's neck, he pushed the leather jacket from his shoulders and got to work on the buttons of his shirt.

As it was, Thor was sloshed enough that he barely noticed the removal of his clothing. As long as Loki's mouth was on his neck and his hands were clenching on Loki's slender waist, he didn't object to anything.

When Loki drew away from his neck to bite down gently on the thunder god's nipple, Thor jumped, apparently coming back to himself. He had only been with women before, both of whom had expected him to take the lead.

Part of his mind insisted that Loki counted as a woman too (whether because of the magic or the fact that Thor was pretty damn sure he wasn't going to be the one taking it we'll never know). Thor decided it was time for him to take control.

This thought was washed from his mind a second later as Loki ran his tongue along Thor's clavicle on his way to the god's other nipple. Loki had been waiting for this opportunity for a very long time, and now that it was here he had no intention of letting a single second of it escape him.

He worshipped Thor's muscular chest with his tongue and lips, closing his eyes and losing himself in the feel of skin under him. Thor found himself unable to do anything but sit there and take it, to accept the sensations Loki was giving him. It was… incredible. Unlike anything he had ever felt before.

Loki's clever fingers were running across his chest, down his sides to slide into the waistband of his pants. They paused there for a moment as Loki leaned up again to kiss Thor, tangling their tongues together.

Thor had never had a submissive partner take as much control as Loki. And he couldn't help but love it.

Unbeknownst to Thor, Loki was busy unlacing his pants while he kissed the life out of him. Finally his cock sprang free, and Loki detached himself from their kiss to lean down and lick a stripe along its length.

Thor couldn't help but wonder if Loki could doubly earn the title of Silver Tongue, and it seemed as though the trickster had read his thoughts as he swirled his tongue around the head of Thor's cock before taking it fully into his mouth.

Thor let out a grunt of pleasure, resisting the urge to thrust into Loki's mouth. It was hard, but he had really hurt Sif the last time he had lost control. Loki hadn't gotten that memo, and it seemed that the trickster wouldn't be satisfied until he had driven Thor insane.

As such, the trickster soon pulled back, letting nothing but his warm breath touch Thor. He was breathing harder now, but his eyes still shone with mischief.

"What's the matter? You don't have to be gentle with me Thor, I'm no maiden." Although he could be, if he wanted to. Loki was flexible like that. Thor clenched his fists tighter, fighting the impulse to just take him.

"I do not wish to hurt you…" Thor ground out between clenched teeth. These were the only times when he cursed his great strength. It had been centuries since he had a lover who could take all he was. Loki pouted, letting his tongue flick over just the head of his cock.

"But I want you to." He was pretty sure he could handle whatever Thor could dish out. Thor himself shook his head stubbornly. He wasn't about to risk accidentally killing Loki. How the hell would he explain that to Sigyn?

"No. Now lie on your back and prepare yourself." The thunderer wasn't exactly the man slut his friends were. He had only been with two women before, and both had preferred simple sex. He wasn't even sure there were other positions.

Oh, he had heard the names of a few, but only when Loki and Freyr were having a skank off, and they didn't tend to explain. Until this point, neither of them had realised that an explanation was required. Loki didn't notice just yet, as he rolled his eyes.

"I never took you for a voyeur, Thor… but I prefer to take it dry." After all, what was life without a little pain? If Loki wanted soft, tender love, he'd go to his wife, not the thunder god. Or maybe to the Allfather… Odin had been remarkably tender with Loki. At least until the trickster convinced him to be otherwise.

But now wasn't the time to drift off into fond remembrances. Loki pulled himself back together, smirking at Thor. "In fact, I have a better idea." It was the work of a moment for Loki to strip off his clothing, exposing the full expanse of his body to Thor's eyes.

It didn't remain the focus of attention for long as the trickster leaned forward, pushing Thor to lie on his back on the bed. Once there, he tugged Thor's trousers the rest of the way off his legs, leaning down to lick at his cock once more.

He had only told half a lie; he truly did prefer not to be stretched, but he would rather not have to use his own blood as lubrication. Not when there were other, more pleasurable lubricants available. When Loki was satisfied that Thor's shaft and head were well enough covered in his saliva that he wouldn't tear anything, he rose up on his knees and straddled the thunder god.

Thor found himself unable to tear his eyes away from Loki's face as the trickster gripped his cock to steady it, before slowly lowering himself down. Loki's head fell back and his mouth opened in a gasp of ecstasy as Thor slid into him, filling him completely. Thor himself was lost in the feel of his friend around him. So hot! So tight.

Had he not been drowning in a sea of bliss, he might have wondered at this. After all, Loki was kind of a whore.

Luckily for both parties the shape shifter's body remained exactly as tight as its owner wished it to be. It had been a long time since Thor had felt his cock gripped so tightly in the body of another. He had never experienced a position such as this either, which allowed him to be fully sheathed inside his partner. Then Loki began to move, and Thor's world went white.

XXX

Miles away, in Asgard, Heimdall screamed like a girl and fell back, knocking over his chair.

"Why can't I unsee this!" Skuld, who had been visiting the gate keeper, snickered to herself.

"Maybe you shouldn't be prying into the lives of others?" Heimdall glared at her, getting to his feet and righting his chair.

"You see all of the future." Skuld nodded, still smirking.

"That is part of my job description." The watcher refused to be distracted, sitting down again.

"You could have warned me." The norn actually laughed, pouring herself a glass of mead. The table was set for dinner, and indeed they had just started eating when Skuld had innocently wondered what Thor and Loki were up to. The devious woman.

"And ruin all the fun? I have seen that happening since time began, and I see no reason why I should be the only one disturbed by it." Heimdall huffed, holding out his glass for her to pour him a drink as well.

"You're a cruel, cruel woman." Skuld grinned as she poured Heimdall his glass.

"You wouldn't enjoy my company half so much if I wasn't. Thank you for inviting me over by the way, I would hate to have been at home when first Verdandi then Urd see what you saw. Although Urd will probably laugh, Verdandi's scream will be…"

Almost on cue, an ear piercing shriek shattered all the glass in Heimdall's windows. God and norn flinched, and Skuld rubbed her ears. "Heard throughout the nine realms." Heimdall frowned, looking out through where the windows used to be.

"Did that shatter all the windows in Asgard too?" Skuld shrugged, smoothing out her skirt.

"If it did I'm sure Odin will have Loki fix it upon his return." Heimdall paused, only just thinking of something.

"Wait… how did your sister see it now? It is happening far in the future." Skuld was busy helping herself to bread and meat. She paused to smile at the gate keeper.

"True, but Loki and Thor are from our present. She will see all that they do, as they do it. Just as she sees what we are doing now. It doesn't matter to her where or when they are, she sees all." Heimdall seemed to realise something else as he groaned, smacking himself across the forehead.

"Damn it! If Verdandi only saw it now, that means that they WEREN'T already fucking!" Skuld paused. This wasn't the reaction she had been expecting.

"Well, no. Why does it matter?" Heimdall sighed heavily, pulling the bread towards himself.

"Sif, Freyr and I had a bet going. Sif thought they had been fucking for a few weeks. I thought they had been fucking for years. Freyr said they weren't and never would." Skuld considered this, and chuckled.

"So technically you are all wrong." Heimdall considered this, but shook his head.

"We gave the money to Forsetti. He's a great bookie, because you can't get away with not paying him. He'll just keep it all now. I'm down fifty bucks!" Skuld shook her head, smiling to herself.

"If it's any consolation to you, I could tell you what else I see in the future?" The watch man looked at her warily.

"You won't even tell Odin about the future… why would you tell me?" Skuld shrugged.

"It does not involve Ragnarok, so I doubt the Allfather would be interested. You will be though." Heimdall scooted his chair away a little.

"This is going to be horribly disturbing, isn't it?" She thought about this for a moment. Heimdall definitely did not like the dark smile curling on her lips.

"That depends on your opinion…" Before he could escape or try to run (he was seriously considering it), she leaned forward and whispered to him. It was quite something to see an albino like Heimdall blushing as red as a cherry.

He gaped, open mouthed at her, and she grinned. She was a norn first and foremost, but she was also a woman. How often people tended to forget that.

XXXX

HK: ^^ Heimdall/Skuld. :P Makes me happy. Again, that is Slayer's fault. :P And yeah, maybe I did wuss out a bit on the smut. I wanted you to have this chapter before next year, okay? Be happy! ^^ Leave me a review and let me know what you think!


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